The One About The Veil

1.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE - THE ANGEL.  DAY.

The Angel Public House, which is in the main entrance way to Sunnyside in the covered open piazza.  It's mid-afternoon.  We see CRYSTAL, in her faded wedding dress, veil and trainers. She's with JOSEPH, who we last saw in The One About Crystal's Memory.  He has been as good as his word, and has bought her a drink - a Drambuie and Ginger - while he is sipping a pint of bitter, making it last.  They sit side by side on the bench against the wall, looking out, occasionally talking. The image is reminiscent of Toulouse Lautrec's L'Absinthe.  Nearby, the blind man -MILTON RADCLIFFE - is drinking a pint, his guide dog at his feet, talking on his mobile.  We last saw him in The One About The Royals.

JOSEPH

They showed me the inside of my brain.

All different colours it was.  All sorts

of colours.  Like a kaleidoscope.

CRYSTAL

I don't think I want to see the inside of

mine.  I'd be worried it was black and

white.  Or nothing at all.  Just white.

The Landlord, RONNIE THE MOOSE, comes up to them.  He leans in towards them, conspiratorial.

RONNIE

(To CRYSTAL)  I'm very sorry, madam.

There's no hats or hoods.

CRYSTAL

Pardon me?

RONNIE

No hats or hoods.

He points towards the doorway, where there are signs, including one which says 'No hats or hoods, for your safety and security.'

CRYSTAL

What are you telling me for?  I'm not

wearing a hat or a hood.

RONNIE

It's more the principal.  For security.

(He points towards the CCTV camera

in the ceiling).  Otherwise you can't

see their faces.

CRYSTAL

Who can't?  Whose faces?  What are

you talking about?

JOSEPH

He means the terrorists.  When they

come 'ere for a drink, they'll be caught

on camera.

CRYSTAL

But this is a veil ..

JOSEPH

'Bout the only place they will be caught. 

CRYSTAL

..  It's not a hat or a hood.

RONNIE

It's breaking the law.

CRYSTAL

I'm not taking it off.  And that's that.  This

is my wedding day, and there's only one

person I shall be lifting my veil for today,

and it's not you.  Good day.

2.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE - THE ANGEL.  DAY.

CRYSTAL is being escorted out of the pub by Security Officers CONNOR and HAYLEY, watched by the helpless JOSEPH.  She turns to MILTON RADCLIFFE as she passes him.

CRYSTAL

Why don't you do something?  You just ..

It's when people like you just stare,

that's what gets my goat.  People who are

old enough to know better.

CONNOR

(To CRYSTAL)  Can't you see, he's blind?

CRYSTAL

  That's no excuse.  (And then she turns

to RONNIE behind the bar)  You'll

regret this day, Mister Moose.  I'll be

back.  Heaven help you then.

The One About The Madonna

1.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

Pick up on AMADEUSZ, who we last saw watching the TV in The One About The Storm, pushing his cleaning trolley.  He is making his way towards the 50-foot metal monolith referred to in the first story, which is in the Central West Atrium.  It's a cross between the giant stone figures of Easter Island and a Henry Moore sculpture* - it has what looks like a kind of alien's head and elongated body holding a rounded form.  It is called Madonna And Child.

AMADEUSZ goes round the back of it.  In what is effectively the Madonna's calf muscle and Achilles heel - there is a door, with a sign:  Cleaner's Cupboard.  AMADEUSZ unlocks it and pushes his trolley inside.  He to closes the door behind him.  Darkness.

2.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

We see AMADEUSZ emerging through a hatchway into the head of the Madonna.  It's a small, confined space and dark, but for some limited light from the eye sockets.  It's not possible to fully stand up in.  He goes to the right eye and peeps out at the sprawling shopping centre below.

AMADEUSZ

I think it is good.  (He goes to look

out of the left eye)  No one sees any-

thing anyway.

AMADEUSZ lights two candles and places them in what appears to be a small shrine.  As the light grows we see that it contains a collection of plastic figures arranged around a cheap Christ.  They are free promotional toys from McDonalds for Shrek, Mister Men, The Simpsons, Bee Movie, The Spiderwick Chronicles and so on.

AMADEUSZ

(Talking to the toys)  As long as we

are careful, cover our tracks, we will

be safe.  Keep it under our hats, yes?

He picks up a photograph from the shrine.  It shows a hill overlooking a lake, bright yellow harvested wheat fields beside fields of lavender with thousands of butterflies.  He is lost in memories.

AMADEUSZ

I could not believe the yellowness of

the fields.  Or the blueness of the lake.

He puts the photograph back and picks up the figure of Shrek.  He presses a button on his chest.

SHREK

I'm an ogre!

* Henry Moore: Large Upright Internal/External Form, 1981-2

The One About England

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY. 

We are in a narrow corridor of the Lower Basement Service Area of Sunnyside Shopping Centre. HARRY (late 30s) and his supervisor KENNY (early 40s) in fluorescent jackets and hard hats are inspecting the cabling and trunking along the wall, which carries security, fire protection and lighting power.  A particular section has been ripped off its brackets, while the cabling appears to have been violently shorn through.  KENNY is kneeling down and peering at it closely, with the aid of a torch, while HARRY leans against the wall nearby. 

HARRY

Don't talk to me about England.

KENNY

It was only a friendly.

HARRY

Doesn't matter what it was.

KENNY

You must have been shouting yesterday.

HARRY

A goal is a goal.

KENNY

Or were you silent?

HARRY

They didn't have their big guns.  Thierry

Henry, Patrick Vieira, Abidal, Trezeguet.

And they still won.

KENNY

It was a penalty.

HARRY

Makes no difference.

KENNY

What's happening with football these days?

HARRY

My mate has been following Fulham, has

gone to every away game this season.  And

they haven't won a single match.  How can

you spend a grand to watch your team lose?

KENNY

That kind of money, you want a team that

wins.

HARRY

On top of that, you've got the rail fares.

And if you're going to Newcastle or 

Middlesbrough, right up top of England,

there's no way you can get back to London

the same night.  So that's a hotel ..  Over

night ..  Then you've got to go to the pub ..

And when there's eight or nine of you,

that's a tidy sum.

KENNY

It's a lot of money.

HARRY

(Singing, quietly)  "What's that coming over

the hill, is it a Drogba, is it a Drogba?"  I've

been to The Reebok, Anfield, Old Trafford,

The Valley, The New Den - Millwall's a dump -

The JJB, never been to Goodison.

KENNY

I'm sure I've seen you on the telly, being a

hooligan.

HARRY

I've also been to The Emirates, White

Hart Lane, Fratton Park ..

KENNY

(Finishing his inspection and getting up)

What are we going to do about this?

HARRY

Powers-that-be are going to have to be

told.  This is the third time, now.

The One About The Credit Crunch

1.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

Easter Day, outside the main entrance to Sunnyside, and MIRIAM is giving it another go.  As before, earlier in the day, PEOPLE walk on past, indifferent to what she has to say.

MIRIAM

Because verily I say unto you, my friends,

that you must waken from your slumber

and save yourselves.  Otherwise you will

face annihilation.  Save your souls, or face

death and destruction.  Look around you,

look at what is happening.  The financial

stability of the entire world is in jeopardy.

This turmoil is God's way of telling you

that your crusade is wrong and morally

unjust.  It is God's way of telling you that

you are corrupt ..

As before, Security Officers CONNOR and HAYLEY appear out of nowhere and approach MIRIAM.  She knows the routine, and speeds up to finish her sermon before they bundle her away.

MIRIAM

..  It is God's way of telling you that time is

running out.  The apocalypse is at hand!

Rise up, you children of Argos!  Rise up!

2.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

We see MIRIAM being escorted across the Plaza to a waiting police van by CONNOR and HAYLEY.

MIRIAM

What's going on?  What are you doing?

HAYLEY

You're being arrested, love.

MIRIAM

Get off me!  Arrested?  What for?

CONNOR

(Opening the rear door of the police

van)  Hah!

MIRIAM

What's that supposed to mean?

CONNOR

Where to start.  Criticising the State.

Blasphemy.  Subversion.  Incitement

to riot.  Take your pick, love.  

MIRIAM

You've got to be joking.

HAYLEY

(Pushing her into the van)  Do we

look like we're joking?

CONNOR slams the door shut behind her.  We hear MIRIAM thumping the inside of the door. CONNOR and HAYLEY piss themselves.  They are helpless.  CONNOR feebly knocks the van, to signal the driver to go, before collapsing in a heap on the ground.

The One About The War

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

It's Easter Day and Sunnyside is deserted.  There are a few PEOPLE wandering around, aimlessly. In the Central Concourse, MIRIAM (the self-styled preacher we last saw in The One About The Preacher) is holding forth for the benefit of anyone who will listen. But they pass by, ignoring her.  Except, that is, for MAEVE, who stands there, absorbed. 

MIRIAM

He has cast this war as a conflict between

good and evil, between right and wrong,

between Christianity and Islam.  He has

proclaimed this war to be noble, necessary

and just, because it is beyond reason or

justification.  He has called it a struggle

for civilisation.  He has said that unless 

we prevail, they will not leave us alone.

They will follow us, wherever we are,

and kill us.

Security Officers CONNOR and HAYLEY saunter over - it's a well-rehearsed routine - to stop her from speaking.

CONNOR

Come on, let's be having you, Miriam. 

MIRIAM

Wake from your slumber and save your-

selves!  On this day, of all days, when

Christ rose from the dead!

CONNOR and HAYLEY forcibly move MIRIAM on.  Watched by MAEVE.

The One About Shannon's Shoes

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

TRACEY (early 30s) is walking purposefully towards Sainsbury's in the Central Concourse.  A couple of paces ahead of her is her 12-year-old daughter SHANNON.  We saw TRACEY and SHANNON when they were nearly run over in The One About Ernie (Part 3). They pass Currys, and as they do so we fleetingly glimpse footage of the start of the Iraq War - the night-time 'Shock and Awe' bombardment of Baghdad - on the TV.

TRACEY

(Trying to talk to her daughter)

What, darlin?

SHANNON

(Mostly to herself)  I'm talking to

myself, actually.

TRACEY

What?

SHANNON

(Not turning round, walking on

ahead) I said, I was talking to

myself.

TRACEY

Shannon!  (She stops) Come back

'ere when I'm talking to you!

And then suddenly TRACEY realises that her daughter is wearing her shoes.

TRACEY

(Squawking)  You've got my

trainers on!

SHANNON

(Turning to face her mother)

'Cos mine don't fit!  I told you,

but you don't listen to me! 

TRACEY, furious, marches off.

SHANNON

Don't walk away from me!

The One About Last Night's Telly

Luigi's Cafe.  The TV is on with the sound off in the corner.  HARRY (late 30s) and his supervisor KENNY (early 40s) are having breakfast. Hard hats on the chairs beside them, newspapers open on the table, occasional conversation about a TV programme.  HARRY is reading the sport, KENNY is doing a Sudoku puzzle in the London Paper.  Just like The One About Kevin Keegan.

Meanwhile, as before, CRYSTAL sits quietly in the corner with a cup of tea, in her trademark faded wedding dress and veil pushed up, reading 'The Secrets of Solitary Witches - And How To Make Your Spells Work.'  LUIGI (50s, balding) is reading the newspaper behind the counter, whilst his daughter ROSALINDA (20) slaves away.

HARRY

.. The Government's got it wrong there.

They come over here, they're hard-

working.  They've no embarrassment

about working in Tesco.  That English

bloke wouldn't be seen dead working in

a factory.

KENNY

It's changed since I was a kid.  Nowadays

anyone can get a job.  It might be a crappy

job, but they don't want 'em.  You'd go out

and get a job, wouldn't you?  And it wasn't

always that easy, sometimes there was a 

shortage of them.

HARRY

The Lithuanians, the Slovakians, the Poles,

they want to work, they want the money.

You know where you are with them.

KENNY

Kids today just want to stay at home.  They

won't go out unless they're earning the

same as their mum and dad, who've been

working all their lives.

HARRY

(To LUIGI)  What do you think of the

Poles, Luigi?

LUIGI

(Looking up from his newspaper)  Uh?

The Poles?  (He shrugs)  Baffi grosso.

(He goes back to reading)

HARRY, after a moment, looks to ROSALINDA for enlightenment.

ROSALINDA

Big moustaches.  Not nice for kissing.

(A moment) And the older ones are

grumpy.

KENNY

Temperamental, you mean?  (A moment)

Unlike the Italians ..

The One About The Storm

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

It's the morning and the place is relatively quiet.  AMADEUSZ, late 20s, a cleaning operative at Sunnyside, is watching the TV in Currys. He's not far from the entrance, and beside him is his janitorial trolley, with vinyl bag, bucket and wringer, duster and so on.  Catching the breakfast news on a 57-inch Toshiba LCD TV is part of his morning routine.  Keeping him company is his mate BERTRAM SHI, a Currys sales assistant, mid-20s.

On the TV, a woman REPORTER in so'wester is standing on the sea-front at Portsmouth Harbour in torrential wind and rain.  Her face is hardly visible whilst behind her, monster waves crash into the sea wall.

NEWS TV REPORTER

"Travellers faced delays and thousands

of people woke to find they were without

electricity this morning as the worst storm

of the winter batters Wales and southern

England.  The unusually intense storm

fronts came from Canada, hurtling across

the Atlantic at 200 miles an hour.  The

combination of gale force winds, low

pressure and a massive tidal surge has 

brought coastal flooding in many areas."

Cut to VT: we're up a hill somewhere, at a road junction and traffic lights.  Trees are swirling around in the winds and driving rain, the traffic lights are shaking.  On the junction, we can see a Nissan Micra which appears to be in two pieces.  The area has been cordoned off with police tape, and there are police, ambulance and fire brigade in attendance.  An American woman, GAYLE, in her early 60s, is being interviewed in the foreground as all this is going on behind her.

TV NEWS REPORT - GAYLE

"We were sitting there, waiting at the 

stop. We saw three trees being up-

rooted, we saw the power lines coming

down before our eyes, next thing we

know, the car's been clean cut in two,

 straight through the top and the hood

(she turns around to look at the scene

behind her)  like a cheese-wire through

Monterey Jack.  (A moment) I never

saw anything like it in my life."

BERTRAM

That's global warming, that is.

AMADEUSZ

That's Japanese engineering.

  

The One About Mike Read

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE .  DAY.

Sainsburys.  A companion scene to The One About The Royals. DOLLY, who is in her mid-60s, is nattering away to LORRAINE (30s), who works behind the cigarettes counter near the entrance. She is serving a customer, TRACEY (early 30s), who has her 12-year-old daughter SHANNON in tow and is, as ever, on her mobile.  We last saw TRACEY and SHANNON in The One About Ernie (Part 3). LORRAINE is listening to DOLLY. 

DOLLY

D'you remember that fella, Mike Read?

LORRAINE

The one in Eastenders?

DOLLY

Eh?  Oh, no.  He died, didn't he?

LORRAINE

Peggy's husband?  Did he?  That's

a shame.  (A moment)  I don't really

watch it anymore.  Still, you've got

move on eventually, haven't you?

DOLLY

In real life, dear.  I believe he died

in real life.  I remember reading 

about it in the paper.

LORRAINE

Oh.  (She crosses herself)  Bless him.

He was terrific in that part.  (A

moment)  Frank Butcher, that was it.

DOLLY

The one who was the DJ.  Did a TV

show called Saturday Superstore.

LORRAINE

Oh yes.  Tinted glasses.  The boring one.

DOLLY

That's him.  (A moment)  He was driving

our taxi last week.

LORRAINE

Get away.

DOLLY

Telling us all about his life, he was.  When

we got home, Barry'd got all the shopping

in and had lunch on the table by the time

I'd got shot of him.

LORRAINE

What was he doing driving your taxi?

DOLLY

That's what he's doing now.  Said he'd had

enough of it all.  The glitz, the glamour, the

showbiz.  Meant nothing anymore, he said.

A new beginning, he called it.

LORRAINE

Oh.

DOLLY

People are queer, aren't they?

At this point, DOLLY's husband BARRY (late 60s) comes up, and picks up the carrier bags of shopping at his wife's feet.  Weekly routine.

DOLLY

(To BARRY)  Who is it this week, dear?  

BARRY winks at his wife.

DOLLY

(To LORRAINE)  Oh, I like a surprise.

(She smiles)  Bye bye, dear.

DOLLY and BARRY go.

The One About Leap Year

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE - LUIGI'S CAFE.  DAY.

CRYSTAL is in the corner with a cup of tea, minding her own business for a change.  She is reading a book.  Close in on the book's cover: 'The Secrets of Solitary Witches - And How To Make Your Spells Work.'

LENA, late 20s, attractive, is surreptitiously eating a Wispa Bar alongside a black coffee.  Opposite her is her friend MICHELLE, late 20s, who wears a starched white uniform - she works in a dentist - and has chopsticks in her hair.  She stirs sugar into a cup of tea.

LENA

Bit of a night last night.  Too much

of that.  (She presses in one side of

her nose: cocaine)

MICHELLE

You naughty girl.

LENA

(By way of explanation)  Ben's going

to Kandahar.

MICHELLE

(A moment) Why's that, babe?

LENA

'Cos he's in the army.

MICHELLE

Did I know that?

LENA 

He's being posted to Afghanistan.

MICHELLE

I know where it is, I'm not stupid.

(A moment)  Afghanistan's the 

place to be at the moment, isn't it?

  What with Prince Harry and stuff.

(Thinking of the Taliban strategy)  I

imagine they'd use rockets.  Wouldn't

they?  To make sure.  Rather than 

relying on bullets.  (A moment) Are

you alright about it?

LENA

It's a strange day, today.  You know ..

it doesn't really exist.

MICHELLE

Doesn't it?

LENA

It's a leap year.  If you were born today,

your next birthday isn't for three years.

MICHELLE

Oh.  Okay.  Does that mean that you're ..

you age slower than your mates?

LENA

If we didn't have leap years, December 

would end up in the summer.

MICHELLE

That's got to be rubbish.

LENA

It's true.  'Cos the months're always

going over.  They, like, keep the

calendar in shape by letting the 

pressure out.  (A moment)  I love

your hair like that, by the way.

MICHELLE

(Of the chopsticks in her hair)  The best

ones are the cheap ones you get from 

takeaways, 'cos they're rough and don't

slide out ..

LENA

Tomorrow is St. David's Day ..

MICHELLE

.. As the actress said to the bishop.

The One About The Royals

1.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

Sainsbury's.  The area of the supermarket near the main entrance with the cigarettes and tobacco, the magazines and newspapers.  At the counter is the gaunt VERNON, late 20s, who we saw in The One About Ernie (Part 2).  There is something quite menacing about him, particularly when he is being polite.  He puts two boxes of rice onto the counter, some foil and a can of Nurishment.  He is being served by CHANTRA, who is in her late 30s.  Beside her, LORRAINE (30s) is serving a CUSTOMER as she talks to an ELDERLY LADY, who has two bags of shopping at her feet.  This is DOLLY.

There is a small queue, at the front of which is a BLIND MAN with a guide-dog.  This is MILTON RADCLIFFE, 50s, silver-haired, tall and imposing.  Behind him is MICKY SHEPHERD, 40s, one of the SIGN PEOPLE whom we glimpsed in The One About The Curry Sale and featured in The One About The Banker.  He holds a placard which reads 'Internet - £1 - For 2 Hours' and an arrow underneath.

VERNON

(To CHANTRA)  Which would you say

is better, Long Grain or Basmati?

CHANTRA

(Tapping the box of Basmati Rice)  This

is more tasty .. and less starchy.

VERNON

The problem with Basmati is that it

sticks.  It's sticky.  Isn't it?  It's a

nightmare.  Rice is a complete

fucking nightmare, if you ask me.

CHANTRA

If you put a bit of butter in it, it stops

it sticking.

VERNON

A bit of butter?  (A moment)  I'm not

sure I've got any ..  The only rice I don't

have a problem with is Pilau.  (Another

moment)  I'll have twenty Royals.

CHANTRA

Anything else?

CHANTRA takes down 20 Royals and puts them on the counter.  

2.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE - SAINSBURYS.  DAY

As before, but a few minutes later.  RADCLIFFE passes VERNON as he goes to the counter.

RADCLIFFE

Are you ignoring me?

VERNON

You what?

RADCLIFFE

Am I invisible?

CHANTRA

(To MILTON)  Next, please.

VERNON

I don't know you from Adam, mate.

(He walks off)

RADCLIFFE

(Calling after VERNON)  Hah!

Oh, I think you know who I am.

(Turning back)  Says he doesn't

know me from Adam.  One day,

he will know me better than he

knows himself.  But by then, it

will be too late.

CHANTRA

(To RADCLIFFE)  Can I help you?

RADCLIFFE

  (Turning to CHANTRA)  Twenty 

Consulate Menthol, please love.

The One About Ernie (Part 4)

1.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

Picking up on The One About Ernie (Part 3).  Woolworths, as before. But now we see ERNIE motoring through the shop, towards the exit. Unbeknown to him, RUBY is hitching a lift - clinging on to the back of the electric wheelchair.  She is laughing.  Her elder sister CHLOE stands watching, in stitches.  Just as ERNIE and RUBY are about to leave the shop for the open road of the Upper Level, SIMON - CHLOE and RUBY's father - rushes past them into the shop, clearly very late for a rendezvous with his daughters.  It's like a cartoon. He sees RUBY, not quite believing his eyes; does a double-take, skids to a halt and shouts after her.

SIMON

Ruby?!

RUBY, of course, realises that she's been rumbled, but can't get off. She's helpless.  And beginning to panic.  Meanwhile, CHLOE has joined her dad, skipping.

CHLOE

(Breezy)  Hi, dad.

SIMON

What the fuck is going on?  (He runs

off after the disappearing RUBY)

CHLOE

Nice hair cut.

2.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

The entrance to Woolworths.  CHLOE and her father SIMON are having a shouting match, whilst RUBY stands crying nearby.

CHLOE 

We were waiting for you!  (Angry)

 You told us, this is where we would

meet.  This is where we agreed

to meet!  (She starts to cry) But

you didn't come!  Did you?

(Becoming hysterical).  We were

waiting for ever!

3.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

Later.  SIMON, CHLOE and RUBY in the Central Concourse, making their way towards the lifts to the Car Park.  Not a picture of happiness, though at least CHLOE and RUBY have stopped crying.  And lo and behold, there's ERNIE, yet again - up ahead - and he's coming towards them.

ERNIE

(To SIMON, pointedly, as they pass

each other) Don't lose your temper,

son!

CHLOE

(Sticking the knife in) Yeah, dad.

ERNIE

You must learn to control yourself.

29: The One About Valentine's Day

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE  - TODDS.  DAY.

Todds.  Picking up on The One About The Axis Of Evil.  MACKENZIE has nearly finished SIMON's hair-cut, brushing the back of his neck.  At the same time, JOSEPH, the craggy man in his 50s or early 60s who we last saw scrounging a cup of tea off CRYSTAL in The One About Crystal's Memory, comes in.

SIMON

He sounds a bit like my mate Kenny.

He's in the building trade as well, 

as it happens.  He and his Missus

aren't talking to each other at the

moment.

JOSEPH

(To MACKENZIE)  Alright, Mack ..

if I .. (He feebly points a little finger

towards the door at the back - he 

wants to use the toilet)

MACKENZIE

(Giving him the mirror view of the 

back of his head) Oh yeah?  Why's

that, then? (To JOSEPH)  Go ahead.

JOSEPH saunters off to the back and disappears.

SIMON 

They've got some friends staying,

whilst their house is being decorated,

Rick and Tina.  So his Missus - 

Karen - goes off to Norfolk for

a few days. She comes back, and finds

him making Tina a vodka and tonic.

MACKENZIE

What's wrong with that?

SIMON

Well, a lot's wrong with it as it happens.

For one he never makes his Missus one.

Ever.  Ever. And for two, it's

Valentine's Day.  He should be surprising

her with a bottle of Dom Perignon in

an ice bucket with cut glass champagne

flutes.  She gets none of that.  Not even

a bottle of Prosecco, not even

a glass of Lambrusco.  So she's got

the hump, hasn't she, hasn't spoken to 

him for a couple of days now.   She 

accuses him, she says what it comes

down to - sadly - is it's all

all because of Tina's breasts.

MACKENZIE

Oh, is it?  It's often the way, isn't it?

Do you want anything in that?  (His hair)

SIMON

It's alright, thanks.  (Getting up)  

That's what the Trojan War was all

about, wasn't it?  The cause of

all that - in reality - was Helen's breasts.

MACKENZIE

(Nodding)  They've a lot to answer for.

The One About Ernie (Part 3)

1.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

Woolworths. We see CHLOE (nine), and her sister RUBY (seven), who we saw earlier in The One About The Bogeyman and The One About Hal.  They are looking at Bratz dolls.  Behind them, a woman TRACEY (early 30s), accompanied by her daughter SHANNON (12), is talking on her mobile as she walks up the aisle. 

TRACEY

No, but listen ..  everywhere I go,

I got this old git trying to run me over.

I'm not jokin' yer, Davinia, he nearly

drove over my toe.  I swear.

TRACEY walks purposefully up the aisle, with her daughter in tow, past CHLOE and RUBY.

2.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE - WOOLWORTHS.  DAY.

The skeletal ERNIE appears in his motorised wheelchair at the end of the aisle, and approaches CHLOE and RUBY at some speed.  CHLOE and RUBY are talking.  ERNIE stops quite abruptly to talk to them.

CHLOE

I think you should get that one.

ERNIE

(Interrupting them, slightly menacing)

I saw you before, didn't I?

CHLOE

(Turning round)  Excuse me?

ERNIE

No?

CHLOE

.. I don't think so.

RUBY

How fast does your wheelchair go?

ERNIE

Oh, quite fast.

RUBY

How fast?

ERNIE

Well, it's supposed to have a top speed

of ten miles per hour, but ..

RUBY

Ten miles per hour ..

ERNIE

But I can't say I've ever been at that.

Possibly when I visit my son in Brighton.

He's always telling me to slow down.

Mind you, it doesn't come cheap, you

you have to pay for it.  Some of them

are like snails.  I like a bit of pick-up.

RUBY

How much does it cost?

ERNIE

Well, this is a Cordoba, which costs 

around three thousand pounds.

RUBY

Three thousand pounds!  You're kidding!

CHLOE

You were robbed.

ERNIE is visibly deflated.

The One About Ashley Cole

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

We're in the underground car park, beneath Sunnyside, on one of the upper levels.  In a restricted access delivery depot, we see HARRY and his supervisor KENNY, both wearing hard hats and fluorescent jackets. In front of them are several palettes loaded with paper towels and toilet tissue. They are inspecting one of them particularly closely: one corner of the stacked paper towels appears to have been quite dramatically cut out or shorn off. HARRY and KENNY yatter away.  They are watched patiently by security officer HAYLEY.

HARRY

See Newcastle have brought in Dennis

Wise?

KENNY

Above Keegan ..

HARRY

Makes no sense at all.

KENNY

.. Who had no idea.

HARRY

Wasn't king for long, was he?

KENNY

It's ludicrous.  (To HAYLEY)  Is it just

this one, love? (Palette)

HAYLEY

(Nodding)  The others not been touched.

HARRY

Chris Moyles was having a go at Ashley

Cole this morning.

KENNY

He's been caught out, hasn't he?  Naughty 

boy.  Thing is, though, he's a footballer.

That's what they do.

HAYLEY

(To HARRY)  What do you think?

HARRY

(To HAYLEY)  I think .. she's a lovely girl, 

she doesn't deserve that.  If I was Avram

Grant, I'd be having a word. 'Professional

is an attitude, it's a state of mind, right?

It's what goes on up here (He taps his

temple)  The players here at Chelsea

are all professional.  You get my drift?'

HAYLEY

I do but  ..  (Pointing at the paper towels)

I meant this.  (To KENNY)  What's this?

KENNY

(Shaking his head)  No idea, if I'm honest

love.  Mutant rat?  Triceratops?

The One About The Axis Of Evil

INT.  TODDS THE BARBERS.  DAY.

Picking up on The One About The Boiler.  SIMON framed in the mirror, his hair wet, as MACKENZIE cuts away.

MACKENZIE

He rang me up the other day.  He said, 'Have 

you got a minute?'  I sort of didn't, but I've

known him since I was 16, and I know that

on occasion you have to hear him out. He

says, 'Bush is going to bomb Iran.'  I said,

'Oh, right.  Why's that then?'  He said, 'Don't

worry about that, that's not the point.'  The

idea that the future of civilisation might be

beside the point is ..  Anyway.  He says, 'The

point is the price of oil is going through the

roof.'  'Oh,' I say.  He says, 'I've looked in

Loot and you can get a tank that holds

10,000 litres for 45 quid.' 

SIMON

Uh?

MACKENZIE

'Obviously,' he says, 'I can't keep it in the

garage 'cos it's too big.  But I've got a mate

who owns a farm can keep it at his.  Fill it

up with red diesel 'til it's all over.'

SIMON

(After a moment)  What's red diesel?

MACKENZIE

It's what farmers use.  It's cheaper 'cos you

don't have to pay VAT.

SIMON

That bloke's a lunatic.  Ayotollah-Jihadi

what's-his-chops, the President, says

the Holocaust was all made up.  Zionist

conspiracy.  (A moment)  What's his name?

(A moment)  So what was he going to do

with it, sell it?'

MACKENZIE

Oh no, it was for his own personal use.

Cheap supply of fuel, 'til it's all over.' 

SIMON

(Trying to remember the President's

name)  Ahmenijad, or something.

MACKENZIE

No, he wasn't going to sell it.

The One About Maeve

1.  INT.  THE ANGEL.  DAY.

Pick up on The One About The Banker, focusing on MAEVE (who we saw in the first story), looking disconsolate, a pint of lager in front of her, whilst elsewhere the suited TONY HILLCOCK has a go at MICKY SHEPHERD for resigning from his high-powered job without explanation.

2.  INT.  SUPERMARKET.  DAY. FLASHBACK.

Sainsburys.  The far corner, near the fridges: all sorts of different juices and milk.  It's the middle of the afternoon and it's quiet.  See THOMPSON standing behind a small counter, sort of swaying because he is so bored.  We saw THOMPSON in the first story with MAEVE, and in The One About The March Of Time.  He's a big man with a big belly.  This story is a flash-back as MAEVE remembers.  On the counter in front of him are ranged four small different coloured bottles of water.

3.  INT.  SUPERMARKET.  DAY. FLASHBACK.

See MAEVE walking purposefully towards the back of the supermarket. MAEVE is always cheerful.  As she comes to the end of the aisle, she sees the tall and rotund THOMPSON, standing behind the counter with the water bottles.  He looks slightly ridiculous. He sees her and comes to life, greeting her, an American accent.

THOMPSON

Hello there.

MAEVE

Hello.

THOMPSON

(Slightly leaning towards her)  Can I interest

you in some Dasani Flavoured Water?

MAEVE

(Smiles and thinks; she hates to disappoint)

Um ..  I'm sort of .. (In a rush.  She looks

around)  I'll have a taste.

THOMPSON

Would you like strawberry, rasberry, mango or -

MAEVE

(Wanting to get it over with)  Strawberry's fine.

THOMPSON pours some into a small plastic cup and gives it to MAEVE, who tastes it.

MAEVE

Do you know what?  That's surprisingly good.

THOMPSON

You know what?  That's what they all say.

God's truth.  I wouldn't sell it else.

MAEVE

It's very refreshing.

THOMPSON

And not only that.  It's got no calories,

so you don't put weight on.

A moment.  Oops, he might have blown it.  MAEVE, of course, is well proportioned.  Mind you, THOMPSON's no Daddy Long-Legs.

MAEVE

(Not taking any offence)  Now you're talking.

THOMPSON

It's only just come on the market.

MAEVE

(Taking another taste)  I thought I hadn't

seen it before.

THOMPSON

It's a good way to hydrate yourself and at

the same time it's nutritional. (A moment)

It's got all sorts of vitamins in it.  Would

you like to buy some?

MAEVE

(Surprising herself)  I think I would.

THOMPSON

Would you like me to get you a bottle?

MAEVE

Yes please.

THOMPSON

(Going off to the fridges)  Would you

like the strawberry, or rasberry or -

MAEVE

The strawberry's fine.  (A moment.  To

his back)  What I really came for was

some milk.

The One About Kevin Keegan (Part 1)

Luigi's Cafe.  A different angle on The One About Crystal's Memory. We focus on HARRY (late 30s) and his supervisor KENNY (early 40s). Hard hats at the side, papers in front of them as they eat.  KENNY is playing Sudoku in the London Paper while HARRY is reading the sport.  In the background, we see CRYSTAL and JOSEPH - as ROSALINDA takes JOSEPH's order - and elsewhere, LENA and her friend SARAH, both in their 20s. The TV on in the corner.

HARRY

(Reading)  "Sister Josephine Matthews

said there's nothing wrong calling him a

Messiah.  'I don't think Jesus would mind,'

she said."  (A moment.  He looks up at

KENNY)  I beg to differ.  Jesus will mind,

in my opinion, if our Kev isn't any good.  (He

looks down again to read the paper)  

King Kev, it says here, hasn't watched a

single game in three years.  (After a moment,

he looks up at KENNY again) He went in and

talked to the team at half-time, told them

not to worry about that. (A moment) Call

me old-fashioned, but doesn't that mean

you know fuck all?

KENNY

Don't knock Special K.  Jimmy put a

bet on him becoming manager.  Just

over a week ago.  Which no one saw

coming.  (A moment)  Not even Shearer.

Won four and a half fucking grand.

HARRY

You're shitting me?

KENNY

He put some money on Shearer as well ..

HARRY

He hit the jackpot there.

HARRY goes back to reading the sports news, and KENNY goes back to his Sudoku.  Commentary from the TV wafts in:

NEWS PRESENTER

"The Home Secretary said that an

effective response to terrorism could

never depend only on government

and the police .."

HARRY

(To KENNY, but his head down reading

again)  Havant are the only non-League

club left in the FA Cup. They're 100-1 to

beat Liverpool.  And 10,000-1 to win the

Cup.  (He looks up at KENNY again)

What do you think?

KENNY

Haven't a hope.

HARRY

(A moment.  Deadpan)  That's

good.  'Haven't a hope.'

The One About Ernie (Part 2)

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

ERNIE, the skeletal old man we saw before in The One About The Ernie, has been stopped for speeding in his motorised wheelchair outside Woolworths on the Upper Level by Security Officer HAYLEY.

HAYLEY

You could've knocked some-

one over.  You were going

so fast, you wouldn't have 

been able to stop in time.  It

would only have taken a small

child to come out of here (she

indicates Woolworths behind

her) and .. bam!  (She punches

her fist into her hand for

added effect).  Carnage.

ERNIE

That's what brakes are for.

HAYLEY

If it happens again, I'll have no

option but to give you a fine.

Let this be a warning to you.

ERNIE is seething.  He shakes his head and looks away in disgust.  His attention is drawn by a scrawny couple, KEVIN and LAILA, both in their late 20s, talking to their teenage son VERNON, whose face is gaunt and empty.

KEVIN

(Utterly helpless) Come 'ome

soon, son.  So we can talk to

you.  Yeah?

LAILA

(Close to tears)  We ain't seen

you for such a long time.  Just

come 'ome to talk, that's all.

VERNON

(He won't)  I will. I will.  (He goes)

ERNIE drives off, watched by HAYLEY.

The One About Crystal's Memory

Luigi's Cafe.  CRYSTAL, as always in faded wedding dress and veil, is in the corner with a cup of tea, reading a book.  Close in on the cover: 'The Secrets of Solitary Witches - And How To Make Your Spells Work.'

LENA, early 20s, attractive, and her friend SARAH, 20s, who wears a starched white uniform, having breakfast.  LUIGI himself and ROSALINDA, his daughter, working.  Elsewhere, two men in fluorescent jackets and hard hats on the table.  This is HARRY (late 30s) and his supervisor KENNY (early 40s), who we saw briefly in The One About Hal.  See a craggy man, JOSEPH, coming in.  He's probably in his late 50s or early 60s, it's difficult to tell.  There's something of the vagrant about him.  He goes up to CRYSTAL.

JOSEPH

Mind if I join you?

CRYSTAL

(Looking up from her book)

Help yourself.  (She gives him 

a smile)

JOSEPH

Much obliged to yer, ma'am.

CRYSTAL

Think nothing of it.

JOSEPH

Who's the lucky fella?

CRYSTAL

(After a long moment)  I'm

ashamed to say .. I've forgotten.

JOSEPH

That can't be good.

ROSALINDA comes over to take JOSEPH's order.  JOSEPH looks at ROSALINDA, and then looks at CRYSTAL.  He doesn't have any money.

JOSEPH

Next time .. it's on me.

The One About The Boiler

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

A hairdressers, S. Todd  - old style, Fifties chairs, trendy.  A sofa.  Large mirrors along the walls, a wooden floor.  A large window onto the mall.  It's busy.  There are four HAIRDRESSERS working: MACKENZIE and BEDFORD (both mid-30s), KERRY (25) and KIRSTEN (late 20s).  An assistant, WINSTON (21) is on the phone and entering an appointment into a diary.  A door at the back leads downstairs.

The focus throughout is MACKENZIE as he cuts the hair of SIMON, who was last seen in The One About The Bogeyman.  Their conversation is framed entirely in the mirror in front of them.  On the mirror, close in on a sticker which shows troops in full combat-gear with helicopter gun-ships flying above them.  Underneath, the caption reads 'Americans Flying Overhead.'  

MACKENZIE

I searched on the internet and I

discover that the going rate to fix

it is two and a half grand.

SIMON

For a new boiler?  That sounds a

bit steep.

MACKENZIE

I've got this mate who buys council

properties, puts as many bedrooms

in them as possible, then rents them

to students.  Does everything on the

cheap.  Consequently he's very rich.

He says to me, 'The Bosch is like a

Mercedes, the Vaillant's like a Ford,

and what you want's a Fiat.  Something

that runs forever and there are always

parts available.'