The One About Leap Year

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE - LUIGI'S CAFE.  DAY.

CRYSTAL is in the corner with a cup of tea, minding her own business for a change.  She is reading a book.  Close in on the book's cover: 'The Secrets of Solitary Witches - And How To Make Your Spells Work.'

LENA, late 20s, attractive, is surreptitiously eating a Wispa Bar alongside a black coffee.  Opposite her is her friend MICHELLE, late 20s, who wears a starched white uniform - she works in a dentist - and has chopsticks in her hair.  She stirs sugar into a cup of tea.

LENA

Bit of a night last night.  Too much

of that.  (She presses in one side of

her nose: cocaine)

MICHELLE

You naughty girl.

LENA

(By way of explanation)  Ben's going

to Kandahar.

MICHELLE

(A moment) Why's that, babe?

LENA

'Cos he's in the army.

MICHELLE

Did I know that?

LENA 

He's being posted to Afghanistan.

MICHELLE

I know where it is, I'm not stupid.

(A moment)  Afghanistan's the 

place to be at the moment, isn't it?

  What with Prince Harry and stuff.

(Thinking of the Taliban strategy)  I

imagine they'd use rockets.  Wouldn't

they?  To make sure.  Rather than 

relying on bullets.  (A moment) Are

you alright about it?

LENA

It's a strange day, today.  You know ..

it doesn't really exist.

MICHELLE

Doesn't it?

LENA

It's a leap year.  If you were born today,

your next birthday isn't for three years.

MICHELLE

Oh.  Okay.  Does that mean that you're ..

you age slower than your mates?

LENA

If we didn't have leap years, December 

would end up in the summer.

MICHELLE

That's got to be rubbish.

LENA

It's true.  'Cos the months're always

going over.  They, like, keep the

calendar in shape by letting the 

pressure out.  (A moment)  I love

your hair like that, by the way.

MICHELLE

(Of the chopsticks in her hair)  The best

ones are the cheap ones you get from 

takeaways, 'cos they're rough and don't

slide out ..

LENA

Tomorrow is St. David's Day ..

MICHELLE

.. As the actress said to the bishop.

The One About The Royals

1.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

Sainsbury's.  The area of the supermarket near the main entrance with the cigarettes and tobacco, the magazines and newspapers.  At the counter is the gaunt VERNON, late 20s, who we saw in The One About Ernie (Part 2).  There is something quite menacing about him, particularly when he is being polite.  He puts two boxes of rice onto the counter, some foil and a can of Nurishment.  He is being served by CHANTRA, who is in her late 30s.  Beside her, LORRAINE (30s) is serving a CUSTOMER as she talks to an ELDERLY LADY, who has two bags of shopping at her feet.  This is DOLLY.

There is a small queue, at the front of which is a BLIND MAN with a guide-dog.  This is MILTON RADCLIFFE, 50s, silver-haired, tall and imposing.  Behind him is MICKY SHEPHERD, 40s, one of the SIGN PEOPLE whom we glimpsed in The One About The Curry Sale and featured in The One About The Banker.  He holds a placard which reads 'Internet - £1 - For 2 Hours' and an arrow underneath.

VERNON

(To CHANTRA)  Which would you say

is better, Long Grain or Basmati?

CHANTRA

(Tapping the box of Basmati Rice)  This

is more tasty .. and less starchy.

VERNON

The problem with Basmati is that it

sticks.  It's sticky.  Isn't it?  It's a

nightmare.  Rice is a complete

fucking nightmare, if you ask me.

CHANTRA

If you put a bit of butter in it, it stops

it sticking.

VERNON

A bit of butter?  (A moment)  I'm not

sure I've got any ..  The only rice I don't

have a problem with is Pilau.  (Another

moment)  I'll have twenty Royals.

CHANTRA

Anything else?

CHANTRA takes down 20 Royals and puts them on the counter.  

2.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE - SAINSBURYS.  DAY

As before, but a few minutes later.  RADCLIFFE passes VERNON as he goes to the counter.

RADCLIFFE

Are you ignoring me?

VERNON

You what?

RADCLIFFE

Am I invisible?

CHANTRA

(To MILTON)  Next, please.

VERNON

I don't know you from Adam, mate.

(He walks off)

RADCLIFFE

(Calling after VERNON)  Hah!

Oh, I think you know who I am.

(Turning back)  Says he doesn't

know me from Adam.  One day,

he will know me better than he

knows himself.  But by then, it

will be too late.

CHANTRA

(To RADCLIFFE)  Can I help you?

RADCLIFFE

  (Turning to CHANTRA)  Twenty 

Consulate Menthol, please love.

The One About Ernie (Part 4)

1.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

Picking up on The One About Ernie (Part 3).  Woolworths, as before. But now we see ERNIE motoring through the shop, towards the exit. Unbeknown to him, RUBY is hitching a lift - clinging on to the back of the electric wheelchair.  She is laughing.  Her elder sister CHLOE stands watching, in stitches.  Just as ERNIE and RUBY are about to leave the shop for the open road of the Upper Level, SIMON - CHLOE and RUBY's father - rushes past them into the shop, clearly very late for a rendezvous with his daughters.  It's like a cartoon. He sees RUBY, not quite believing his eyes; does a double-take, skids to a halt and shouts after her.

SIMON

Ruby?!

RUBY, of course, realises that she's been rumbled, but can't get off. She's helpless.  And beginning to panic.  Meanwhile, CHLOE has joined her dad, skipping.

CHLOE

(Breezy)  Hi, dad.

SIMON

What the fuck is going on?  (He runs

off after the disappearing RUBY)

CHLOE

Nice hair cut.

2.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

The entrance to Woolworths.  CHLOE and her father SIMON are having a shouting match, whilst RUBY stands crying nearby.

CHLOE 

We were waiting for you!  (Angry)

 You told us, this is where we would

meet.  This is where we agreed

to meet!  (She starts to cry) But

you didn't come!  Did you?

(Becoming hysterical).  We were

waiting for ever!

3.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

Later.  SIMON, CHLOE and RUBY in the Central Concourse, making their way towards the lifts to the Car Park.  Not a picture of happiness, though at least CHLOE and RUBY have stopped crying.  And lo and behold, there's ERNIE, yet again - up ahead - and he's coming towards them.

ERNIE

(To SIMON, pointedly, as they pass

each other) Don't lose your temper,

son!

CHLOE

(Sticking the knife in) Yeah, dad.

ERNIE

You must learn to control yourself.

29: The One About Valentine's Day

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE  - TODDS.  DAY.

Todds.  Picking up on The One About The Axis Of Evil.  MACKENZIE has nearly finished SIMON's hair-cut, brushing the back of his neck.  At the same time, JOSEPH, the craggy man in his 50s or early 60s who we last saw scrounging a cup of tea off CRYSTAL in The One About Crystal's Memory, comes in.

SIMON

He sounds a bit like my mate Kenny.

He's in the building trade as well, 

as it happens.  He and his Missus

aren't talking to each other at the

moment.

JOSEPH

(To MACKENZIE)  Alright, Mack ..

if I .. (He feebly points a little finger

towards the door at the back - he 

wants to use the toilet)

MACKENZIE

(Giving him the mirror view of the 

back of his head) Oh yeah?  Why's

that, then? (To JOSEPH)  Go ahead.

JOSEPH saunters off to the back and disappears.

SIMON 

They've got some friends staying,

whilst their house is being decorated,

Rick and Tina.  So his Missus - 

Karen - goes off to Norfolk for

a few days. She comes back, and finds

him making Tina a vodka and tonic.

MACKENZIE

What's wrong with that?

SIMON

Well, a lot's wrong with it as it happens.

For one he never makes his Missus one.

Ever.  Ever. And for two, it's

Valentine's Day.  He should be surprising

her with a bottle of Dom Perignon in

an ice bucket with cut glass champagne

flutes.  She gets none of that.  Not even

a bottle of Prosecco, not even

a glass of Lambrusco.  So she's got

the hump, hasn't she, hasn't spoken to 

him for a couple of days now.   She 

accuses him, she says what it comes

down to - sadly - is it's all

all because of Tina's breasts.

MACKENZIE

Oh, is it?  It's often the way, isn't it?

Do you want anything in that?  (His hair)

SIMON

It's alright, thanks.  (Getting up)  

That's what the Trojan War was all

about, wasn't it?  The cause of

all that - in reality - was Helen's breasts.

MACKENZIE

(Nodding)  They've a lot to answer for.

The One About Ernie (Part 3)

1.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

Woolworths. We see CHLOE (nine), and her sister RUBY (seven), who we saw earlier in The One About The Bogeyman and The One About Hal.  They are looking at Bratz dolls.  Behind them, a woman TRACEY (early 30s), accompanied by her daughter SHANNON (12), is talking on her mobile as she walks up the aisle. 

TRACEY

No, but listen ..  everywhere I go,

I got this old git trying to run me over.

I'm not jokin' yer, Davinia, he nearly

drove over my toe.  I swear.

TRACEY walks purposefully up the aisle, with her daughter in tow, past CHLOE and RUBY.

2.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE - WOOLWORTHS.  DAY.

The skeletal ERNIE appears in his motorised wheelchair at the end of the aisle, and approaches CHLOE and RUBY at some speed.  CHLOE and RUBY are talking.  ERNIE stops quite abruptly to talk to them.

CHLOE

I think you should get that one.

ERNIE

(Interrupting them, slightly menacing)

I saw you before, didn't I?

CHLOE

(Turning round)  Excuse me?

ERNIE

No?

CHLOE

.. I don't think so.

RUBY

How fast does your wheelchair go?

ERNIE

Oh, quite fast.

RUBY

How fast?

ERNIE

Well, it's supposed to have a top speed

of ten miles per hour, but ..

RUBY

Ten miles per hour ..

ERNIE

But I can't say I've ever been at that.

Possibly when I visit my son in Brighton.

He's always telling me to slow down.

Mind you, it doesn't come cheap, you

you have to pay for it.  Some of them

are like snails.  I like a bit of pick-up.

RUBY

How much does it cost?

ERNIE

Well, this is a Cordoba, which costs 

around three thousand pounds.

RUBY

Three thousand pounds!  You're kidding!

CHLOE

You were robbed.

ERNIE is visibly deflated.

The One About Ashley Cole

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

We're in the underground car park, beneath Sunnyside, on one of the upper levels.  In a restricted access delivery depot, we see HARRY and his supervisor KENNY, both wearing hard hats and fluorescent jackets. In front of them are several palettes loaded with paper towels and toilet tissue. They are inspecting one of them particularly closely: one corner of the stacked paper towels appears to have been quite dramatically cut out or shorn off. HARRY and KENNY yatter away.  They are watched patiently by security officer HAYLEY.

HARRY

See Newcastle have brought in Dennis

Wise?

KENNY

Above Keegan ..

HARRY

Makes no sense at all.

KENNY

.. Who had no idea.

HARRY

Wasn't king for long, was he?

KENNY

It's ludicrous.  (To HAYLEY)  Is it just

this one, love? (Palette)

HAYLEY

(Nodding)  The others not been touched.

HARRY

Chris Moyles was having a go at Ashley

Cole this morning.

KENNY

He's been caught out, hasn't he?  Naughty 

boy.  Thing is, though, he's a footballer.

That's what they do.

HAYLEY

(To HARRY)  What do you think?

HARRY

(To HAYLEY)  I think .. she's a lovely girl, 

she doesn't deserve that.  If I was Avram

Grant, I'd be having a word. 'Professional

is an attitude, it's a state of mind, right?

It's what goes on up here (He taps his

temple)  The players here at Chelsea

are all professional.  You get my drift?'

HAYLEY

I do but  ..  (Pointing at the paper towels)

I meant this.  (To KENNY)  What's this?

KENNY

(Shaking his head)  No idea, if I'm honest

love.  Mutant rat?  Triceratops?