The One About The Chinese Herbalist

1.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  EVENING.

SIMON is at the counter of the Chinese Herbalist, talking to the CHINESE SALES ASSISTANT. Behind her are ranged hundreds of large jars on shelves, full of weird-looking stuff, each with a label, such as Herba Epimedii, Semen Coicis, Cinammon Twigs and Oyster Shell. Some of it looks like old leaves and twigs, some of it looks more like dead animals.  Elsewhere, a Silk Screen, a Dragon Wall Hanging and Lacquer Figurines. 

SIMON is sitting behind the screen being assessed by an OLD CHINESE MAN, speaking Chinese; an OLD CHINESE WOMAN, holding a clip-board and taking notes, interprets what he says.

OLD CHINESE WOMAN

He says, do you ever feel  (she stubs her

fingers into her hand) .. pin pricking in 

your hands and in your arms?  Or your -

SIMON

What's he saying, I'm having a coronary?

I have heart problems?

2.  INT.  THE CHINESE HERBALIST.  EVENING.

See SIMON in a back room being given acupuncture.

3.  INT.  THE CHINESE HERBALIST.  EVENING.

Back at the shop counter, the CHINESE SALES ASSISTANT is filling a large brown paper bag with herbs from one of the jars. It looks like toe-nail clippings mixed with sea-weed.  There is another brown paper bag already filled on the counter. 

SALES ASSISTANT

You must drink this two times a day.

After four weeks, you come back, and

I give you more?

SIMON

Four weeks?

SALES ASSISTANT

The full course is three months.

SIMON

Three months?! How much is that?

SALES ASSISTANT

Otherwise, the effect is .. not complete.

4.  INT.  THE CHINESE HERBALIST.  EVENING.

The CHINESE SALES ASSISTANT is adding up the bill.  She takes him through each item on the bill, handwritten in Chinese.

SALES ASSISTANT

45 pounds for the acupuncture, this

is for your back pain, yes.  Then it is 35

pounds for the herbs, for the first four

weeks of three months, this one (she taps

the first bag on the counter) and this 

one (she taps the second). This is 

for your blood, to make it thinner and 

for your heart to pump better, you 

understand yes? Plus VAT .. which is

altogether .. One hundred forty one.

SIMON

(Under his breath) Well if this doesn't cause

a heart failure, I don't know what will.

SALES ASSISTANT

One hundred forty one pounds.

SIMON gets out his wallet.

The One About The Voodoo Curse (Part 1)

1.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  EARLY EVENING.

Luigi's Cafe.  It's closed.  CRYSTAL is sitting at a table with LUIGI and his daughter ROSALINDA.  There is an open box on the table - a Voodoo kit - and a bottle of red wine. LUIGI is reading a leaflet, slowly.

LUIGI

"Your genuine Voodoo curse spell kit

contains a straw doll, a block of

Japanese cheddar, a hammer and -"

CRYSTAL

Cheddar?

LUIGI

Yes.

ROSALINDA

That's not cheddar.

ROSALINDA takes the leaflet from him and reads.

ROSALINDA

Cedar.  Japanese cedar .. (She carries 

on reading)  A hammer, a large nail,

and two candles.  (She paraphrases) 

Be careful not to hurt your finger with

the hammer .. use the candles with care.

(She reads) "You should be careful to

name the intended victim to ensure

your curse doesn't fall on an innocent

bystander."  Do you know his name,

Crystal?

CRYSTAL

Moose.

LUIGI

Moose?

CRYSTAL

Yes.  His name was Mister Moose.

2.  INT.  LUIGI'S CAFE.  EVENING.

LUIGI holds a large nail above the straw Voodoo doll. CRYSTAL, meanwhile, holds a hammer.  Her eyes are tight shut.  LUIGI watches her with some apprehension.

ROSALINDA

Crystal, you must keep your eyes open,

otherwise you won't be able to see what

you are doing. And the curse will be lost.

3.  INT.  LUIGI'S CAFE.  EVENING.

Close on the Voodoo doll, the nail poised, and then - WHACK! - it's struck by the hammer deep into the Voodoo doll's torso. See LUIGI's relief that CRYSTAL didn't miss.  Then, out of nowhere, CRYSTAL spits out with with surprising venom:

CRYSTAL

Let him be blasted with fire and lightning!

LUIGI and ROSALINDA look at each other: Crystal's going mad.

CRYSTAL

.. And laid before me!

The One About The Chechen Guerilla

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

We see CRYSTAL in The Upper Court, overlooking Central West. Crossing her path is a tall, large man in army camouflage.  She notices that the lace on one of his boots is loose.   Being the busybody that she is, she scuttles to catch up with him.

CRYSTAL

Excuse me.

The man - who looks like a CHECHEN REBEL - stops.

CRYSTAL

Your lace is loose.

The CHECHEN REBEL looks at her, and then looks down. He has a lugubrious manner.  He looks at his boots, and then looks at CRYSTAL.

CRYSTAL

Awful things can happen with that

sort of thing.  I know.  Believe me.

The CHECHEN REBEL looks at her, thinking, and decides not to kill her.

CRYSTAL

(Oblivious to the danger she is in)

Believe me dear, I know.

The lugubrious CHECHEN REBEL walks off. 

The One About The Internet Cafe

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

Sainsbury's.  The area of the supermarket near the entrance with cigarettes and tobacco, magazines and newspapers.  This scene follows The One About The Royals, and VERNON's discussion with CHANTRA about Basmati rice.  MICKY SHEPHERD, 40s, holding a placard which reads 'Internet - £1 - For 2 Hours,' with an arrow underneath, is next to be served by CHANTRA, late 30s.  MICKY, who featured in The One About The Banker, has dropped out of the rat-race and given up his high-flying career as a banker.  Since then, he may have become slightly unhinged.  Meanwhile, a big beefy Australian, HUNTER, is following the direction of the arrow.   We see him, confused, looking for an Internet Cafe, and asking the supermarket SECURITY OFFICER sitting at CCTV Monitoring Station No. 2 for help.

MICKY SHEPHERD

Big problems in the world markets at the

moment. 

CHANTRA

How can I help you, sir?

MICKY SHEPHERD

Vietnam, Cambodia, Egypt - they've all

banned the export of rice.  Lotto lucky

dip, please.  That causes a shortage and

prices go sky high.

CHANTRA

Anything else?

MICKY SHEPHERD

So there's increased demand on those

countries which are still open, and 

inflation in those countries which rely

on imports.  (A moment, in answer to

her question)  That's it. 

CHANTRA

One pound, please.

MICKY SHEPHERD

(Handing her the money)  Classic

domino effect.

At which point the big Australian, HUNTER, comes up to him.  He is clearly annoyed, having been unable to locate the Internet Cafe.

HUNTER

'Scuse me, fella.  (Indicating the sign)

Which way is it?  Where is it?  I can't

see it anywhere.

MICKY clearly has no idea of the impact of his sign.

The One About The Accident

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE - THE ANGEL. DAY.

A reverse angle to The One About The Veil.  The blind man, MILTON RADCLIFFE, is talking on his mobile.  A pint of bitter on the table in front of him, the guide dog at his feet. Elsewhere, CRYSTAL is being hounded by the Landlord for wearing a veil.  There are pauses between each line of dialogue, as he listens.

RADCLIFFE

Alright?

RADCLIFFE

What's up?

RADCLIFFE

You alright?

RADCLIFFE

What's happened?

RADCLIFFE

By the Horse and Hound?

RADCLIFFE

Jesus.  That's really bad.

RADCLIFFE

Don't worry about that.  Leave it

with me.  I'll sort it out.

RADCLIFFE

Listen, I know we didn't see eye to

eye.  But please tell his family how

sorry I am.  Yeah?

RADCLIFFE

No, course it's not.  Don't be soft.

MILTON RADCLIFFE finishes the call.  Puts the mobile down.  Sinks a large part of his pint as CRYSTAL is being escorted from the premises between security officers CONNOR and HAYLEY.  She turns to him as she passes.

CRYSTAL

Why don't you do something?  It's just ..

It's when people like you just stare, that's

what gets my goat.  People who are old

enough to know better.

CONNOR

(To CRYSTAL)  Can't you see he's blind?

CRYSTAL

That's no excuse.

RADCLIFFE

(To CONNOR)  What's her problem?

The One About The Egg

1.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

At the edge of the covered outer piazza, outside the main entrance to the shopping centre. Bollards.  An equestrian sculpture in bronze, a fountain, and some benches.  VERNON, the drugged-up son of LAILA and KEVIN who was last seen in The One About The Royals, with a bunch of mates.  Some of them sit on the bench, some are standing. Amongst them SHELLEY, early 20s, is talking to VERNON.  And an eight-year-old HOODIE, who rides around on a fluorescent-green Kawasaki push-bike.

We see SIMON, wearing a crisp new white shirt and jeans, walking past them towards the entrance.  He's staring at the arse on SHELLEY. VERNON clocks this and swiftly steps into SIMON's path.

VERNON

'Scuse me, mate.

But SIMON is walking on, not stopping.  He's been caught out.

VERNON

(Putting a hand on SIMON's upper

arm)  No trouble, no trouble.

SIMON

(Stopping)  What?

VERNON

Have you got 50p?

SIMON

No, sorry mate.

VERNON turns away in disappointment.  SIMON walks on, relieved it wasn't trouble.

2.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

A little later.  SIMON is at a cash-point in the outer piazza.  Tapping in his PIN number.  At that moment, something crashes in to the side of his head and ricochets against the wall.

SIMON

The fuck ..?

It takes a couple of seconds for him to realise what's happened.  He looks down and there is egg-yolk on his crisp white shirt.  He puts a hand up to his temple - he's been splattered - looks at his hand, and there is egg-shell on his fingers.  He turns around and looks.  He sees the eight-year-old HOODIE, laughing, as he rides away on his Kawasaki push-bike.

SIMON

Fucker.

He takes the money.  There is even egg-white on the screen of the cash machine.

SIMON

It's a new bloody shirt.