The One About The Bicycle

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

A bicycle shop. ABU - the man who was looking suspicious in The One About The Busybody - sits astride a brand new bicycle, getting a feel for it, as the ASSISTANT explains its features. ABU's girlfriend DELLA (30) watches.

ASSISTANT

Aluminium frame, alloy hubs, double wall rims,

alloy cranks, semi-raised steel handlebars, and

21-speed Shimano shifter. It’s a good all-purpose

bicycle, very robust ..

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

The main concourse of Sunnyside. Security Guard CONNOR is talking to someone on the walkie-talkie. Beside him is DYLAN (40), the Deputy Security Manager.  They are very jumpy, eyes peeled for the Longbow Killer or - failing that - anyone who looks in the least bit suspicious.

CONNOR

(To JIM) Say again, Jim.

JIM

(OOV on the walkie-talkie) He’s bought a push-bike.

DYLAN

(To CONNOR, indicating the whole shopping centre)

No bikes.  We’ve got him.

3. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

We see DELLA with ABU, who is wheeling his brand new bike through the main concourse of Sunnyside. See some way ahead, DYLAN and CONNOR walking towards them, urgent.

4. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

The main concourse of Sunnyside. CONNOR goes up to ABU as DYLAN holds back.

CONNOR

Excuse me, sir. No bicycles in the shopping centre.

ABU

Oh.

CONNOR

Company policy.

ABU

But I’ve just bought it.

CONNOR

No bicycles allowed, sir.

ABU

But I bought it here.

CONNOR

Sorry sir.

DELLA

This is ridiculous.

DYLAN

(Stepping forward) The best thing to do is to take it

back to the shop you bought it from. If you can carry

it, rather than wheeling it along, that would be acceptable.

ABU

You're having a laugh.

DYLAN

You can ask them to deliver it.

ABU picks up the bike and starts to walk back to the bicycle shop. DYLAN and CONNOR watch them.

CONNOR

Sorry about that, sir.

ABU

Yeah. Sure you are.

5. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

DELLA, with ABU carrying the brand new bicycle through the concourse.

6. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

DYLAN and CONNOR in the concourse. Suddenly, ABU burns past them on his bike, giving them a finger as he goes. Close on DYLAN and CONNOR as they take it in.

The One About The Sebatier Knives

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY. TONY the Salesman is still trying to flog a credit card to MAN MOUNTAIN BOB.

TONY

What’s that supposed to mean?

BOB

I’m really not interested.

TONY

There’s no trick.  Go with.  Go with.

(BOB is thinking. He looks around the mall).

BOB

I was only killing time.

TONY

Don’t ever do that, mate. Life’s too short for that.

I’ve offered you a 25% discount on your mortgage, yeah? 

Now what I'm going to do is double your life insurance.

BOB

What’s the catch?

TONY

There is no catch ..

TONY is beginning to lose patience.

TONY

(Counting on his fingers) You’ve got the interest-free credit on the

card, you’ve got the discount on the car insurance, the discount on

the mortgage - and I’ve doubled your life assurance in the event of

your untimely death. And .. to top it all, right, I’m going to give you ..

(he bends down behind the counter, re-appears with a set of kitchen

knives in a wooden block) this set of fourteen Sebatier Professional

kitchen knives. Top of the range they are, if you were to buy these

in the shops, they’d retail for £69.99. Look at this (he takes out one

of the larger ones, takes a piece of paper and slices it in two).

BOB 

I like knives.

TONY

You get free identity theft assistance as well.

So if someone hacks into your computer

or gets your PIN number, you’re covered.

BOB

(Pointing to the knives) Have you got one of

those boxed up?

TONY

I have indeed.

As TONY bends down there’s a quivering noise and then a terrible crunch. TONY re-appears with the boxed set of kitchen knives, puts it on the counter. Looks up. And what he sees is .. indescribable. BOB is looking down. A bloodied arrow-head protrudes through his chest, through his T-shirt, blood expanding everywhere. Totally in shock. He looks at TONY, a frown of annoyance forming on his forehead, a frown of incomprehension.

TONY

What the fuck ..

BOB

(Disbelieving) What’s that?

TONY

Shit ..

BOB

That’s not right.

BOB begins to fall forward on the counter, twists, his legs buckle and he crashes to the ground.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

Security Guards CONNOR and HAYLEY running through the mall, walkie-talkies in hand, squawking.

3. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

BOB on his side in a pool of blood, white as a sheet and still, the shaft of the arrow between his shoulder-blade and neck. People milling around. See HAYLEY kneeling down beside BOB, trying to work out what to do, as CONNOR tries to push people back.

The One About The Busybody

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

A man, ABU, is standing in the main concourse opposite the toilets. He’s in his early thirties and has a long black beard. He is reading from the Koran, mouthing the words. Occasionally he looks up, looks at his watch, and then goes back to his silent reading.

Unbeknown to him, he is being watched by CRYSTAL, who is sitting having a cup of tea in a nearby café, Luigi’s. CRYSTAL is an old lady in her eighties who is wearing a faded wedding dress and Nike running shoes. Today, CRYSTAL is being a busybody. Over this we hear a DJ on Sunnyside Radio.

SUNNYSIDE RADIO DJ
(Chirpy and breezy) .. And of course, you can help us

by reporting anything or anyone suspicious,

because these days, as I’m sure you’ll agree, you

can’t be too careful. And remember to keep your

belongings with you at all times. Anything left unattended

will be removed and may be destroyed.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

In the main concourse, CRYSTAL approaches CONNOR and HAYLEY, Security Guards.

CRYSTAL

Don’t look now but there’s a man over there behaving

very suspiciously.

CONNOR

(Looking around) Which man, ma’am?

CRYSTAL points at ABU. HAYLEY and CONNOR follow her gaze. They see ABU apparently reading aloud from the Koran.

HAYLEY
And what in particular has aroused your

suspicions about this person, ma’am?

CRYSTAL
Well, he keeps looking at his watch.

CONNOR
He does look dodgy, I’ll give you that.

HAYLEY
We’ll take care of it from here, ma’am.

The One About The Salesman

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

A salesman, TONY, is selling MBNA credit cards in the mall behind a stall. Behind him, exhibition display boards with micro-lighting show posters of the credit card and the strap-line, ’The Gateway To A Better Life,’ and a cheesy picture of a perfect, smiling family.

Two BLONDES in hot-pants and tight-fitting T-shirts with ‘Get A Better Life’ emblazoned on them are handing out leaflets, smiling cheesy grins. TONY is doing a job on BOB, whom we saw in The One About The Longbow.  He is a man-mountain with cropped hair, T-shirt, trainers, track-suit and tattoos. A big gold chain around his tree-trunk neck, big gold rings on his fat fingers.

TONY

Nought per cent interest on balance transfers and nought

per cent on purchases for nine months. Interested?

BOB

Not really.

TONY

Five hundred Nectar points for free.

BOB

Nah, you’re alright mate.

TONY

25% discount on the current cost of your

car insurance guaranteed if you switch?

BOB

Nah.

TONY

Oh ye of little faith, you offer people something

for nothing, and they immediately think you’re

trying to trick them.

BOB

Nothing to do with religion, mate. I just

don't want a credit card. That's all.

The One About The Skateboarders

1. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

One of the rear service yards to the shopping centre. A sign on a wall reads ‘F Service Yard.’ Another, with a clamping graphic, says ‘Cars parked here without authorisation will be clamped.’ Some cars parked, refuse wheelie-bins, and over the way below wire fencing a line of recycling units - for bottles, plastic, paper, clothes.

Signs everywhere: ‘Danger. Vehicles unloading’ ‘Sprinkler Stop Valve’ ‘Cars parked without authorisation will be clamped’ ‘No parking’ ‘No skateboarding’ and ‘CCTV cameras are operating in this area.’

WINOS drinking Tenants Super near to the rear sliding entrance doors to the shopping centre. Across the way, a telecom engineer’s temporary work hut has been erected.

Some KIDS aimlessly kicking about their skateboards near to the fence. They’re not skating really - the occasional jump maybe, but it’s like they’ve been doing it all morning and they’ve finished for the day. Now they’re just hanging around. They are JOSH (14), JAM (16) and ERROL (15).

CONNOR (late 20S) and HAYLEY (25), security guards, appear through the rear entrance doors. Behind them, graffiti on the wall: “The Outlaws Cry” and “Crazy Horse.”

2. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SERVICE YARD. DAY.

CONNOR and HAYLEY are with the KIDS.

CONNOR

It’s breaking the law. (He indicates a

sign on a wall, ‘No skateboarding’)

ERROL

But we’re not doing nothing.

CONNOR

So what are those? (Indicates their skateboards)

ERROL

Doesn’t mean nothing.

3. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SERVICE YARD. DAY.

Another kid, KURT (18), approaches the others.

JAM

(To KURT) What’s happening?

KURT

Fuck all.

HAYLEY takes out a pad and starts filling in a form, like a parking attendant dishing out a ticket.

HAYLEY

What’s your name?

KURT

What y’wanna know my name for?

HAYLEY

I’m giving you a fixed penalty notice.

KURT

You what?

JOSH

That’s nice.

HAYLEY

Eighty pound fine for swearing.

KURT

You must be fucking joking.

HAYLEY

No I’m not.

KURT

Says who?

HAYLEY

Says the law. Under the Public Order Act.

KURT

Nothing to do with the public though, is it?

And nothing to do with you. ‘Cos it’s just

between me and me mates. Meaning it don’t

concern you. So keep your nose out of it.

HAYLEY

What’s your name?

KURT

I’m not telling you.

The others start to laugh.

JOSH

It’s Kurt.

KURT

(To JOSH, annoyed) Oi you.

HAYLEY

Kurt what?

JOSH

Cobain.