The One About The Heist

1.  INT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

Much later.  It's nearly closing time.  SIMON is at the bar, drinking, plastered.  Clearly, he hasn't made any progress whatsoever with ROXANNE.  Suddenly TWO MEN burst into the pub, wearing balaclavas and wielding baseball bats. They are shouting.  One of them, FIRST BALACLAVA MAN, whacks SIMON hard.  He crashes to the floor.  Meanwhile, SECOND BALACLAVA MAN is screaming at ROXANNE as he clears the bar-top of glasses with his baseball bat.  ROXANNE screams.  Glasses go flying and there is shattering glass everywhere.  Everything happens quickly and simultaneously.

FIRST BALACLAVA MAN

Everybody get down on the floor!

SECOND BALACLAVA MAN

(To ROXANNE)  Open the fucking till!

The few remaining CUSTOMERS in the pub are too stunned to do anything.

FIRST BALACLAVA MAN

I said everybody get down on the floor!

SECOND BALACLAVA MAN

(To ROXANNE)  Say one word and I'll

kill you!

ROXANNE, petrified, opens the till.  SECOND BALACLAVA MAN quickly grabs the till tray and pours the contents into a bag as CUSTOMERS get down on the floor.

Cut to:

2.  INT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

The Ladies Toilet of The Angel.  CUSTOMERS caught up in the robbery lie on the floor.  Close in on ROXANNE and SIMON amongst them.

SIMON

(Whispering to ROXANNE) Hi.

ROXANNE

(Whispering) Hi.

SIMON

You okay?

  

ROXANNE

Not really.

SIMON

 Nor me.

ROXANNE

That'll teach you.

To be continued ...

The One About Kevin Keegan (Part 2)

1.  INT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

HARRY (late 30s), and his mate KENNY (early 40s) are having a drink at the bar.  We last saw them in The One About England. Nearby are SIMON and CARL, behaving like schoolboys as they try not to stare at ROXANNE, and JACK - from The One About The Binge Drinkers a little earlier - who has bumped into someone who knows him.

KENNY

He didn't have any control, that was the

problem.  The moment they brought in

Dennis Wise it all went Pete Tong.  He

had no role in picking the players.

HARRY

Playing Joey Barton against Arsenal 

wasn't the brightest of moves.  I never

really understood what it was about

King Kev, to be honest.  I know the fans

loved him but .. he was bollocks, really.

KENNY

(Not listening to a word Harry's saying)

It's the continental way of doing things.

Cut to:

2.  INT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

SIMON and CARL, a bottle of wine between them, are both fairly pissed.

SIMON

When we leave, we will both say goodbye,

right.  And she will look at me, she will

ignore you completely, and she will say

goodbye to me.  And not to you.

CARL

Twat.

SIMON

Twenty quid.

CARL

I can't drink wine in pubs.  It's not right.

SIMON

Mate, that's our second bottle.

CARL

It's taken me a while for it to dawn.

Cut to:

3.  INT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

JACK is talking to LENA, who we saw last playing darts in The One About Belief.  

JACK

(Trying to impress)  I went to see the doctor

today about my lifestyle.  I was so hung-

over, I forgot to mention my coke habit.

LENA

You don't remember me, do you?

JACK

If I'm being totally honest, and please ..

'cos it's better to be honest, I think.  I

can't quite .. No, I haven't got the foggiest.

Cut to:

4.  EXT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

Later.  SIMON and CARL outside the pub.  In the background, catch sight of a HOODIE riding a fluorescent-green Kawasaki push-bike.

CARL

That was bollocks, that was so nothing, 

that was neither of us.  That was like we

didn't fucking exist.

SIMON

I'm going back in.