The One About The Axis Of Evil

INT.  TODDS THE BARBERS.  DAY.

Picking up on The One About The Boiler.  SIMON framed in the mirror, his hair wet, as MACKENZIE cuts away.

MACKENZIE

He rang me up the other day.  He said, 'Have 

you got a minute?'  I sort of didn't, but I've

known him since I was 16, and I know that

on occasion you have to hear him out. He

says, 'Bush is going to bomb Iran.'  I said,

'Oh, right.  Why's that then?'  He said, 'Don't

worry about that, that's not the point.'  The

idea that the future of civilisation might be

beside the point is ..  Anyway.  He says, 'The

point is the price of oil is going through the

roof.'  'Oh,' I say.  He says, 'I've looked in

Loot and you can get a tank that holds

10,000 litres for 45 quid.' 

SIMON

Uh?

MACKENZIE

'Obviously,' he says, 'I can't keep it in the

garage 'cos it's too big.  But I've got a mate

who owns a farm can keep it at his.  Fill it

up with red diesel 'til it's all over.'

SIMON

(After a moment)  What's red diesel?

MACKENZIE

It's what farmers use.  It's cheaper 'cos you

don't have to pay VAT.

SIMON

That bloke's a lunatic.  Ayotollah-Jihadi

what's-his-chops, the President, says

the Holocaust was all made up.  Zionist

conspiracy.  (A moment)  What's his name?

(A moment)  So what was he going to do

with it, sell it?'

MACKENZIE

Oh no, it was for his own personal use.

Cheap supply of fuel, 'til it's all over.' 

SIMON

(Trying to remember the President's

name)  Ahmenijad, or something.

MACKENZIE

No, he wasn't going to sell it.