Saturday, March 31, 2007

The One About The Longbow

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY. Inside a shop, ‘A Man’s World.’ Pen knives, gadgets, digital razors, executive toys, pens that record audio, watches, poker sets, torches, 20-piece barbecue sets, radio-controlled jet fighters and spy cameras in a lighter. Outside, swarms of people. It’s open to the main shopping centre concourse, so it doesn’t have a doorway. KEVIN, an assistant, approaches a bloke DAVE, who’s looking around.

KEVIN
Can I help you, sir?

DAVE
(Distracted, miles away) Fine thanks.

KEVIN
If you need any help ..

Meanwhile, at the counter, seen by DAVE, is another customer BOB, being served by the Manager, MAHMOUD. This is MAN MOUNTAIN BOB.

BOB
So how many different knives does it have?

MAHMOUD opens the box and takes out a Swiss Army knife.

MAHMOUD
This is called the Huntsman Plus, which comes with wood
saw and pressurised ball point pen. As well as blades,
screwdrivers, can openers. The whole kit and caboodle.
Everything you need. See this, look, I show you. (He opens
out the saw and starts to cut through a little piece of bamboo).

BOB
I like that.

MAHMOUD
Very useful in the jungle .. Anywhere. Or ..
(He gets another box out of the cabinetThen
if you want to go the whole hog, there's this which
has a built-in MP3 player and digital voice recorder.

BOB
Wow.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. A MAN'S WORLD. DAY.

DAVE approaches the assistant  KEVIN. There is a sign. ‘If you don’t see what you’re looking for, please ask one of our sales assistants.’

DAVE
Do you have a crossbow?

KEVIN
(Feigning uncertainty) Umm .. No .. (As patronising a
tone as possible, to MAHMOUD) No crossbows, have we?

MAHMOUD
Give me a minute .. (To BOB) Is it a gift?
You want it wrapped?

BOB
Just in a bag’s fine.

3. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. A MAN'S WORLD. DAY.

MAHMOUD gets out a catalogue, opens it on the counter top. Flicks the pages, then taps into a computer. Half muttering to himself, like he doesn’t want to be beaten by this.

MAHMOUD
We might just .. (have one in stock).

A moment.

MAHMOUD
Let me see for you. Won't take a minute.
Ah. No. (Defeated: computer says 'No') Sorry.

DAVE
What about a longbow?

MAHMOUD
A longbow ..

Again he taps on the computer key-board. MAHMOUD then disappears into the back as KEVIN casts DAVE a look which says, ‘You‘re a weird fucker.’

MAHMOUD re-appears with a long thin box.

MAHMOUD
.. In luck. (Barely able to conceal his triumph)
I think we’ll find that this .. (He puts it down
on the counter)  Ravenbeak English Longbow
made from yew and bamboo. (He beams)

4. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. A MAN'S WORLD. DAY.

Close on the lid being taken off the box, polystyrene chips being swept away by a hand, to reveal a beautiful longbow. MAHMOUD picks it out, holds it up, and hands it to DAVE, who remains inscrutable.
DAVE takes the longbow. Inspects it, closely. Handles it as if he knows what he’s doing. Smells it.  Meanwhile, MAHMOUD takes some feathered arrows out from inside the polystyrene chips. They are astonishing.

DAVE 
Give it a try?

MAHMOUD
(Not entirely sure if he’s joking)
Not really. (Embarrassed laugh)

DAVE holds the longbow at full arm’s length, the bow to his cheek.

DAVE
I need to test the thing.

MAHMOUD
Sure. Get a feel ..

DAVE takes out one of the arrows, places it, steps into the entrance-way, raises the longbow and pulls back the bow itself to his cheek - the feather of the arrow under his nose. MAHMOUD looks on nervously, an anxious glance to KEVIN.

DAVE
How much is it?

MAHMOUD
It’s six hundred and fifty five pounds
and ninety nine pence.

And then very quickly, expertly - like the way a violinist puts the violin to shoulder and bow to string in one seamless moment - DAVE aims high, stretches the bow right back, arches his back and lets fly. To the horror of MAHMOUD and KEVIN.

DAVE
(Turning to MAHMOUD) It’s a bit light.
(Clocking their shocked expressions)
I think I’ll leave it for now.

MAHMOUD
Right you are. I don’t think you ..

DAVE hands the long-bow to MAHMOUD and leaves.

MAHMOUD
Shit man.

KEVIN
Fucking hell!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

The One About The Terror Suspect

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY. 

Two security guards ambling along the vast main concourse of Sunnyside Shopping Mall. Uniform, name badge, walkie-talkie, peak cap. They are CONNOR, late 20s, number one crop and goatee; and HAYLEY, 25, not bad looking for a security guard. They think they’re the business, more US Law Enforcement officers than retail security. They pass beneath a huge banner poster hanging from above, ‘We Are Londoners,’ with the ‘We’ ‘Are’ and ‘one’ picked out in red. The Shopping Centre’s own radio station, Sunnyside FM, heard over. 

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY. 

Currys. See CONNOR and HAYLEY ambling through the TVs. We notice that CONNOR is watching an an attractive woman as she looks at refrigerators. HAYLEY clocks this and mutters under her breath.

On all the TVs, THE HOME SECRETARY is giving a press conference. CONNOR is pretending to watch one of the televisions, a wide-screen plasma, when in fact he is looking just over the top of it at the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN. We cut between CONNOR staring, the TV and THE HOME SECRETARY, and the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.

THE HOME SECRETARY on the TV
Britain is now facing the most sustained period of severe
threat since the end of the Second World War. From a new
breed of ruthless and unconstrained international terrorists.
Sometimes we may have to modify our freedoms in order
to prevent their abuse by those who would destroy our
world.

3. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

CONNOR and HAYLEY following the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, who carries a handbag and a Currys carrier bag, in the main concourse of the Shopping Mall.

4. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

CONNOR and HAYLEY go up to the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.

CONNOR
(With effortless ease and poise) Excuse me, madam ..

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
Yes?

With HAYLEY beside him, he leads the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN to the side of the concourse, an exit door (‘Staff only’) nearby.

CONNOR
Could I see inside your bag, please?

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
Excuse me?

CONNOR
If you could just open your carrier bag for me?

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
Why?

HAYLEY
It’s purely routine, ma’am.

The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN hesitates.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
(Opening her carrier bag) Alright.

HAYLEY
Vigilance is our watchword. The moment we think
the problem’s gone away is the moment they’ve won.

CONNOR
(Taking the carrier bag and looking inside) Okay ..

He puts the bag on the ground and ferrets around while the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN begins to lose her patience.

CONNOR
Looks fine.  (He hands the carrier bag back to her)
Could I see your handbag, please?

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
(Affronted) What?

CONNOR
Your handbag, please.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
You’re joking, aren’t you? Why?

HAYLEY
We are in the middle of a war, I'm afraid to say.
There's no two ways about it.
They say they will not stop until they have
wiped us off the face of the earth.

The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN looks at them, weighing up her options. She decides.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
(Under her breath) Fuck’s sake.

The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN hands over her handbag and HAYLEY goes through it. There’s not much - a purse, keys, tissue, car park ticket, lipstick - she hands the lipstick to CONNOR. HAYLEY takes the purse, opens it and looks inside. CONNOR opens the lipstick, checking to see it's not a small explosive device, twists it up, turns it back, puts the lid on. The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN is now getting angry.

HAYLEY
Okay, Miss Church, I’m going to ask you to accompany us 
through here so we’re ..

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
This is a wind-up right? Give me my things back ...

But CONNOR and HAYLEY are ushering her through doors marked ’Staff only’ even as she is protesting.

5. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPNG CENTRE. DAY.

A white featureless corridor leading off the central mall. The doors have swung shut behind them.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
I want to know what the fuck is going on!

HAYLEY
It’s routine security .. nothing to worry about.

CONNOR
(Handing the lipstick to HAYLEY) That's fine.

HAYLEY puts the lipstick carefully back in the purse which she puts back in the handbag, and gives it back to the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.  At last, thinks the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, it’s over now.

HAYLEY
Could I ask you to lift up your top?

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
(Unbelieving) What?

HAYLEY
(Firm, authoritative) If I could just ask you to lift
your top up for me, please.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
(Shaking her head in disbelief) Right, that's it.  I've 
had enough of this.  You two are fucking out of order ..

CONNOR
It's for all our sakes ... 

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
(She turns to go through the doors) Fucking perverts ..
(Over her shoulder) I'm gonna report this to the police.

CONNOR
It’s for all our safety ...

The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN is gone.  She has stormed out of the staff doors.  A moment.  CONNOR and HAYLEY lean against the walls of the corridor, opposite each other.  They've been rumbled.  CONNOR blows out.

The One About The Public Convenience

1.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

Sunnyside is a vast, sprawling 21st century retail destination.  A shopping mall with palm trees and fountains.  Built near the banks of a river, it has streams and rock-pools with freshwater fish.  It has a multi-screen cinema, high-rise apartments and a luxury hotel; a 50-foot high monolith, a cross between the giant stone figures of Easter Island and a Henry Moore sculpture; underground car parks; a school; and it has a wooded park and landscaped gardens, with a restored nineteenth century smock windmill, a carousel and a steam-train for the kids.  It's so vast that one part of it is always still being constructed.  And because of the unusual abundance of crickets and lizards, some people think that Sunnyside has a special biosphere.

Outside the main entrance is a covered outer piazza, like the Great Court at the British Museum. Bursting out from above the entrance are the huge, three-dimensional sandstone letters S-U-N-N-Y-S-I-D-E, like the title of a crazy movie, KAPOW!

Beside the main entrance are state-of-the-art automatic self-cleaning public toilets with revolving, stainless steel doors.  It's the morning.  As PEOPLE are milling about, we focus in on a tall, fairly fat man in his early 50s, THOMPSON, and a tubby woman, MAEVE, in her 40s.  THOMPSON wears a khaki jacket and beige trousers, like he's on safari.  MAEVE wears a sweater with 'Greggs' inscribed on it.

THOMPSON

(To MAEVE)  I'll see you later.
Have a good day.

THOMPSON kisses MAEVE, then walks off towards the public toilets.  MAEVE is going to work and heads toward the main entrance to the shopping centre. 

2. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

See THOMPSON at one of the public toilets.  He presses a button, and the revolving stainless steel door glides open.  It is a vision of futuristic convenience and efficiency.  He steps inside and the steel door closes behind him.