The One About England

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY. 

We are in a narrow corridor of the Lower Basement Service Area of Sunnyside Shopping Centre. HARRY (late 30s) and his supervisor KENNY (early 40s) in fluorescent jackets and hard hats are inspecting the cabling and trunking along the wall, which carries security, fire protection and lighting power.  A particular section has been ripped off its brackets, while the cabling appears to have been violently shorn through.  KENNY is kneeling down and peering at it closely, with the aid of a torch, while HARRY leans against the wall nearby. 

HARRY

Don't talk to me about England.

KENNY

It was only a friendly.

HARRY

Doesn't matter what it was.

KENNY

You must have been shouting yesterday.

HARRY

A goal is a goal.

KENNY

Or were you silent?

HARRY

They didn't have their big guns.  Thierry

Henry, Patrick Vieira, Abidal, Trezeguet.

And they still won.

KENNY

It was a penalty.

HARRY

Makes no difference.

KENNY

What's happening with football these days?

HARRY

My mate has been following Fulham, has

gone to every away game this season.  And

they haven't won a single match.  How can

you spend a grand to watch your team lose?

KENNY

That kind of money, you want a team that

wins.

HARRY

On top of that, you've got the rail fares.

And if you're going to Newcastle or 

Middlesbrough, right up top of England,

there's no way you can get back to London

the same night.  So that's a hotel ..  Over

night ..  Then you've got to go to the pub ..

And when there's eight or nine of you,

that's a tidy sum.

KENNY

It's a lot of money.

HARRY

(Singing, quietly)  "What's that coming over

the hill, is it a Drogba, is it a Drogba?"  I've

been to The Reebok, Anfield, Old Trafford,

The Valley, The New Den - Millwall's a dump -

The JJB, never been to Goodison.

KENNY

I'm sure I've seen you on the telly, being a

hooligan.

HARRY

I've also been to The Emirates, White

Hart Lane, Fratton Park ..

KENNY

(Finishing his inspection and getting up)

What are we going to do about this?

HARRY

Powers-that-be are going to have to be

told.  This is the third time, now.

The One About The Credit Crunch

1.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

Easter Day, outside the main entrance to Sunnyside, and MIRIAM is giving it another go.  As before, earlier in the day, PEOPLE walk on past, indifferent to what she has to say.

MIRIAM

Because verily I say unto you, my friends,

that you must waken from your slumber

and save yourselves.  Otherwise you will

face annihilation.  Save your souls, or face

death and destruction.  Look around you,

look at what is happening.  The financial

stability of the entire world is in jeopardy.

This turmoil is God's way of telling you

that your crusade is wrong and morally

unjust.  It is God's way of telling you that

you are corrupt ..

As before, Security Officers CONNOR and HAYLEY appear out of nowhere and approach MIRIAM.  She knows the routine, and speeds up to finish her sermon before they bundle her away.

MIRIAM

..  It is God's way of telling you that time is

running out.  The apocalypse is at hand!

Rise up, you children of Argos!  Rise up!

2.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

We see MIRIAM being escorted across the Plaza to a waiting police van by CONNOR and HAYLEY.

MIRIAM

What's going on?  What are you doing?

HAYLEY

You're being arrested, love.

MIRIAM

Get off me!  Arrested?  What for?

CONNOR

(Opening the rear door of the police

van)  Hah!

MIRIAM

What's that supposed to mean?

CONNOR

Where to start.  Criticising the State.

Blasphemy.  Subversion.  Incitement

to riot.  Take your pick, love.  

MIRIAM

You've got to be joking.

HAYLEY

(Pushing her into the van)  Do we

look like we're joking?

CONNOR slams the door shut behind her.  We hear MIRIAM thumping the inside of the door. CONNOR and HAYLEY piss themselves.  They are helpless.  CONNOR feebly knocks the van, to signal the driver to go, before collapsing in a heap on the ground.

The One About The War

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

It's Easter Day and Sunnyside is deserted.  There are a few PEOPLE wandering around, aimlessly. In the Central Concourse, MIRIAM (the self-styled preacher we last saw in The One About The Preacher) is holding forth for the benefit of anyone who will listen. But they pass by, ignoring her.  Except, that is, for MAEVE, who stands there, absorbed. 

MIRIAM

He has cast this war as a conflict between

good and evil, between right and wrong,

between Christianity and Islam.  He has

proclaimed this war to be noble, necessary

and just, because it is beyond reason or

justification.  He has called it a struggle

for civilisation.  He has said that unless 

we prevail, they will not leave us alone.

They will follow us, wherever we are,

and kill us.

Security Officers CONNOR and HAYLEY saunter over - it's a well-rehearsed routine - to stop her from speaking.

CONNOR

Come on, let's be having you, Miriam. 

MIRIAM

Wake from your slumber and save your-

selves!  On this day, of all days, when

Christ rose from the dead!

CONNOR and HAYLEY forcibly move MIRIAM on.  Watched by MAEVE.

The One About Shannon's Shoes

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

TRACEY (early 30s) is walking purposefully towards Sainsbury's in the Central Concourse.  A couple of paces ahead of her is her 12-year-old daughter SHANNON.  We saw TRACEY and SHANNON when they were nearly run over in The One About Ernie (Part 3). They pass Currys, and as they do so we fleetingly glimpse footage of the start of the Iraq War - the night-time 'Shock and Awe' bombardment of Baghdad - on the TV.

TRACEY

(Trying to talk to her daughter)

What, darlin?

SHANNON

(Mostly to herself)  I'm talking to

myself, actually.

TRACEY

What?

SHANNON

(Not turning round, walking on

ahead) I said, I was talking to

myself.

TRACEY

Shannon!  (She stops) Come back

'ere when I'm talking to you!

And then suddenly TRACEY realises that her daughter is wearing her shoes.

TRACEY

(Squawking)  You've got my

trainers on!

SHANNON

(Turning to face her mother)

'Cos mine don't fit!  I told you,

but you don't listen to me! 

TRACEY, furious, marches off.

SHANNON

Don't walk away from me!

The One About Last Night's Telly

Luigi's Cafe.  The TV is on with the sound off in the corner.  HARRY (late 30s) and his supervisor KENNY (early 40s) are having breakfast. Hard hats on the chairs beside them, newspapers open on the table, occasional conversation about a TV programme.  HARRY is reading the sport, KENNY is doing a Sudoku puzzle in the London Paper.  Just like The One About Kevin Keegan.

Meanwhile, as before, CRYSTAL sits quietly in the corner with a cup of tea, in her trademark faded wedding dress and veil pushed up, reading 'The Secrets of Solitary Witches - And How To Make Your Spells Work.'  LUIGI (50s, balding) is reading the newspaper behind the counter, whilst his daughter ROSALINDA (20) slaves away.

HARRY

.. The Government's got it wrong there.

They come over here, they're hard-

working.  They've no embarrassment

about working in Tesco.  That English

bloke wouldn't be seen dead working in

a factory.

KENNY

It's changed since I was a kid.  Nowadays

anyone can get a job.  It might be a crappy

job, but they don't want 'em.  You'd go out

and get a job, wouldn't you?  And it wasn't

always that easy, sometimes there was a 

shortage of them.

HARRY

The Lithuanians, the Slovakians, the Poles,

they want to work, they want the money.

You know where you are with them.

KENNY

Kids today just want to stay at home.  They

won't go out unless they're earning the

same as their mum and dad, who've been

working all their lives.

HARRY

(To LUIGI)  What do you think of the

Poles, Luigi?

LUIGI

(Looking up from his newspaper)  Uh?

The Poles?  (He shrugs)  Baffi grosso.

(He goes back to reading)

HARRY, after a moment, looks to ROSALINDA for enlightenment.

ROSALINDA

Big moustaches.  Not nice for kissing.

(A moment) And the older ones are

grumpy.

KENNY

Temperamental, you mean?  (A moment)

Unlike the Italians ..

The One About The Storm

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

It's the morning and the place is relatively quiet.  AMADEUSZ, late 20s, a cleaning operative at Sunnyside, is watching the TV in Currys. He's not far from the entrance, and beside him is his janitorial trolley, with vinyl bag, bucket and wringer, duster and so on.  Catching the breakfast news on a 57-inch Toshiba LCD TV is part of his morning routine.  Keeping him company is his mate BERTRAM SHI, a Currys sales assistant, mid-20s.

On the TV, a woman REPORTER in so'wester is standing on the sea-front at Portsmouth Harbour in torrential wind and rain.  Her face is hardly visible whilst behind her, monster waves crash into the sea wall.

NEWS TV REPORTER

"Travellers faced delays and thousands

of people woke to find they were without

electricity this morning as the worst storm

of the winter batters Wales and southern

England.  The unusually intense storm

fronts came from Canada, hurtling across

the Atlantic at 200 miles an hour.  The

combination of gale force winds, low

pressure and a massive tidal surge has 

brought coastal flooding in many areas."

Cut to VT: we're up a hill somewhere, at a road junction and traffic lights.  Trees are swirling around in the winds and driving rain, the traffic lights are shaking.  On the junction, we can see a Nissan Micra which appears to be in two pieces.  The area has been cordoned off with police tape, and there are police, ambulance and fire brigade in attendance.  An American woman, GAYLE, in her early 60s, is being interviewed in the foreground as all this is going on behind her.

TV NEWS REPORT - GAYLE

"We were sitting there, waiting at the 

stop. We saw three trees being up-

rooted, we saw the power lines coming

down before our eyes, next thing we

know, the car's been clean cut in two,

 straight through the top and the hood

(she turns around to look at the scene

behind her)  like a cheese-wire through

Monterey Jack.  (A moment) I never

saw anything like it in my life."

BERTRAM

That's global warming, that is.

AMADEUSZ

That's Japanese engineering.

  

The One About Mike Read

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE .  DAY.

Sainsburys.  A companion scene to The One About The Royals. DOLLY, who is in her mid-60s, is nattering away to LORRAINE (30s), who works behind the cigarettes counter near the entrance. She is serving a customer, TRACEY (early 30s), who has her 12-year-old daughter SHANNON in tow and is, as ever, on her mobile.  We last saw TRACEY and SHANNON in The One About Ernie (Part 3). LORRAINE is listening to DOLLY. 

DOLLY

D'you remember that fella, Mike Read?

LORRAINE

The one in Eastenders?

DOLLY

Eh?  Oh, no.  He died, didn't he?

LORRAINE

Peggy's husband?  Did he?  That's

a shame.  (A moment)  I don't really

watch it anymore.  Still, you've got

move on eventually, haven't you?

DOLLY

In real life, dear.  I believe he died

in real life.  I remember reading 

about it in the paper.

LORRAINE

Oh.  (She crosses herself)  Bless him.

He was terrific in that part.  (A

moment)  Frank Butcher, that was it.

DOLLY

The one who was the DJ.  Did a TV

show called Saturday Superstore.

LORRAINE

Oh yes.  Tinted glasses.  The boring one.

DOLLY

That's him.  (A moment)  He was driving

our taxi last week.

LORRAINE

Get away.

DOLLY

Telling us all about his life, he was.  When

we got home, Barry'd got all the shopping

in and had lunch on the table by the time

I'd got shot of him.

LORRAINE

What was he doing driving your taxi?

DOLLY

That's what he's doing now.  Said he'd had

enough of it all.  The glitz, the glamour, the

showbiz.  Meant nothing anymore, he said.

A new beginning, he called it.

LORRAINE

Oh.

DOLLY

People are queer, aren't they?

At this point, DOLLY's husband BARRY (late 60s) comes up, and picks up the carrier bags of shopping at his wife's feet.  Weekly routine.

DOLLY

(To BARRY)  Who is it this week, dear?  

BARRY winks at his wife.

DOLLY

(To LORRAINE)  Oh, I like a surprise.

(She smiles)  Bye bye, dear.

DOLLY and BARRY go.