The One About The Burial Ground

INT.  LUIGI'S CAFE.  MORNING.

CRYSTAL is talking to LUIGI while CONNOR is finishing his breakfast, reading a newspaper. During this,  HAYLEY comes in. 

CRYSTAL

Do you know how long the church was there?

Over seven hundred years. It's where they put 

the dead during the Black Death.

LUIGI

(Alarmed)  Here?

CRYSTAL

This was a burial ground.  They brought the dead

by boat along the river.

LUIGI

Under the ground is dead people?

ROSALINDA

(Interrupting)  Under the ground is a car park.

CRYSTAL

They got rid of the church.

HAYLEY

(Sitting down opposite CONNOR)  Alright?

CRYSTAL

Where is a girl to get married these days?

CONNOR

(Looking up from his paper)  Yeah.

The One About The Curry Sale

1.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

Security Officer HAYLEY is walking through the central concourse. She passes several people, all holding placard signs (reading 'Pine Furniture', 'Massive Rug Sale', 'Internet - £1 - For 2 Hours', 'Sim Cards', 'Barbers', 'Mobile Phones - Unlocking', 'Golf Sale', 'Tattoo & Piercing', 'Learn English' and lastly 'Curry Sale' - all with arrows underneath the words), all pointing in different directions.   These are the Sign People, and some of them hand out cards to the shoppers who pass by.  The man holding the sign saying 'Internet - £1 - For 2 Hours,' MICKY SHEPHERD, will feature in The One About The Banker.

2.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

A large queue from one of these sales cuts straight across the concourse - effectively forming a barrier to the thoroughfare of shoppers.  HAYLEY, smiling, is onto it.

HAYLEY

(To the queue of people)  Move to the

side, please.  Move to the side.  (She uses

her baton to chivvy them out of the way).

PERSON IN QUEUE

Oi, we're not cattle you know!

3.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

The queue of people is now neatly lined up against the side.  HAYLEY, meanwhile, is dishing out a ticket.

HAYLEY

Do you want a penalty notice for £80

payable within two weeks, or an on-the-spot

fine payable now in cash or credit card for £50?

PERSON IN QUEUE

(After thinking about it for a long time,

watched by his mates) Erm ... I think I'll ...

Phone a friend.  Please.

The One About The Greasy Spoon

1.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

Luigi's greasy spoon cafe, morning.  A small Christmas tree and decorations.  A television on in the corner.  LUIGI (50s, balding, sweaty, happy and fat) and his daughter ROSALINDA (20s, drop-dead) behind the counter, working.

CUSTOMERS include CONNOR, the security guard and CRYSTAL, an old lady in her eighties who is wearing a faded wedding dress & veil and Nike running shoes.  She has a cup of tea and toast with jam in front of her, and is talking to LUIGI over the local news on the television - which CONNOR watches with a face like thunder.

TELEVISION

A man has died after being

locked in a public toilet outside

a busy shopping centre.

CRYSTAL

(Oblivious)  I'm getting married this

afternoon.

LUIGI

(Routine, an eye on the television)

Congratulations.  Who is the lucky man?

CRYSTAL

His name's slipped my mind for the time

being.  But I'm sure it'll come back.

LUIGI

I hope it comes back in time for the wedding.

(To ROSALINDA, of CONNOR) Your fancy-man

 needs to you.

TELEVISION

The mystery death follows the killing

of Robert Forsyth (we see a family

photograph of  MAN MOUNTAIN

BOB) in the same shopping centre

earlier this year.

2.  INT.  LUIGI'S CAFE. DAY.

ROSALINDA is at CONNOR'S table.

ROSALINDA

.. White toast and tea.  Anything else?

CONNOR

(Very abrupt, his eyes on the television)

That's it.

TELEVISION

.. David Ash (over a sequence of CCTV stills)

the man who was identified as the

Longbow Killer from CCTV footage

of the incident at Sunnyside Shopping

Centre, was never caught by police.

3.  INT.  LUIGI'S CAFE.  DAY.

CRYSTAL is in full flow.

CRYSTAL

No one cares anymore, nobody has any sense

of responsibility or morality.  People are so

weak, it's pathetic.  The young are so molly

coddled, they don't know they're born most 

of the time.  It's such little things now that

people are concerned with, such superficial

things.  Little things please little minds, that's

what I say.  When I was a young girl, people

had meaning and a reason to live.

  

The One About The Flowers

1.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE PIAZZA.  EVENING.

The public toilets in Sunnyside Piazza are cordoned off with blue and white 'Police - Keep Out' tape.  CONNOR and HAYLEY, Sunnyside Security, stand nearby alongside A POLICEMAN.  An SO3 POLICE OFFICER in a white paper suit and face mask forensically examines the inside of the Superloo THOMPSON came out of.

2.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE PIAZZA.  EVENING.

Nearby, against the wall, some flowers have been laid.  Zoom in on a card with a message that reads:

MESSAGE

You were one in a million.  Heaven got 

lucky today.  My misfortune to be left

behind.  It's what I've always dreaded.

M

Pull out to see PEOPLE walking past, oblivious, going home with their shopping, another day done in an endless cycle of repetition.

The One About The Bogeyman

SIMON MILLS (early 40s, plump) and his daughters RUBY (seven) and CHLOE (eleven) are at a table in BBs, which opens onto the central concourse of the shopping centre.  Above them a sign, 'Drinks, Muffins and Ice Cream.'  It's the morning and is fairly busy.  SIMON is drinking a cappuccino, RUBY has an apple juice and a muffin, CHLOE has a Coke and is listening to music on her iPod.  She holds a monkey, CHICO, in her arms.

RUBY

Daddy .. When you saw the witch,

were you scared?

SIMON

What witch?

RUBY

The one that you saw.  The witch 

in the night.

SIMON

It was nothing.

RUBY

Mummy said you woke up in

the night.  Was it the Bogeyman?

SIMON

It was nothing.

A moment.  A woman MIRIAM approaches the CUSTOMERS and starts to preach to them all, clutching a well-thumbed copy of the Bible. The CUSTOMERS try as hard as possible not to look at or acknowledge her.  She is heard just at the beginning of SIMON and RUBY's conversation, and then dips out.

MIRIAM

Everybody has got a time in this life.

For each of you, your time will come ..

to be significant.  To shine like jewels ..

You can become like Kings and Queens ..

RUBY

He came into my bedroom last night.

SIMON

Who did?

RUBY

The wicked witch.  And he cast a spell

on Chico.  I was sleeping, and then I 

woke up.  And Chico was gone.

SIMON

Where was he?

RUBY

He was sitting on the floor.  Wide 

awake.

SIMON

Was he alright?

RUBY

No, he was crying.

SIMON

So what did you do?

RUBY

I got out of bed, I picked him up,

and then I took him back to bed 

with me.

SIMON

Was he okay?

RUBY

He was very frightened.  But he

went back to sleep in the end.

SIMON

That's good.  (He strokes her

cheek, deeply affected)

RUBY

He doesn't talk to me anymore.

He doesn't say anything.  (She

holds Chico tight).

The One About The March Of Time

Outside the main entrance to Sunnyside Shopping Centre - the covered outer piazza.   A Christmas tree and decorations.  See a MAN lurching out of one of the state-of-the-art public conveniences, as the stainless steel revolving door slides open. This is THOMPSON, early 50s, who we saw at the very beginning.  He wears a khaki jacket and belt, and beige cotton trousers.  Unlike before, however, he now has a beard, he is thin, has long hair and is filthy. His clothes are soiled and torn, his hands are black.  PEOPLE are walking past with their shopping, ignoring him.

As we close in on THOMPSON, we see that his face is scratched and bloody.  There is a desperation in his eyes as he looks around.  He squints, shielding his eyes from the light, as if he's been in darkness for days.  Weeks even.  Tears start to stream from his eyes.  He can hardly walk as he lurches towards a PASSER-BY.

THOMPSON

(Inaudible at first, hoarse) Help me.

The PASSER-BY ignores him and walks on.  THOMPSON goes up to another person, an old lady, OLIVE.

THOMPSON

What day is it?

OLIVE

(Surprised at the question) It's Thursday, dear.

THOMPSON

Thursday what?

OLIVE

I'm sorry?

THOMPSON

Thursday the what?

OLIVE

I believe it's ... the thirtieth today.

THOMPSON

Of what?

OLIVE

Of what?

THOMPSON

(Urgent) Of what month?

OLIVE

Oh.  December.  (She looks at him, not

knowing whether that's good or bad)

December, dear.  (She smiles)

THOMPSON

(In total shock)  You're sure?

OLIVE

Oh yes.  (She looks over his shoulder

towards the Christmas tree and

decorations) Quite sure.

THOMPSON follows her gaze, looks at the decorations.  He starts to shake, like he's having some sort of fit.  OLIVE is frightened and watches him helplessly, as he falls to the ground unconscious.  

The One About The Boot

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

The shoe-repairers in the main concourse. Shoe repairs and key-cutting. See the owner, ONE-EYED CARLOS, in the back. He's in his 50s and wears thick, Harry Palmer glasses. His left eye, however, is covered with a black patch. Occasionally, he looks up from his work, cutting a key, looks at a small portable televisionset in the corner. It's a wonder he can see anything at all.

At the counter is his daughter MARIA, who is in her early thirties. MARIA might be quite attractive if it wasn't for a rather pronounced moustache.

At the side, glimpse a public information poster asking everyone to join together to fight the war on terrorism. "It's up to all of us."

TELEVISION

Police were searching last night for a

man who shot dead a builder with

an arrow in a crowded shopping centre.

A customer, RAY (late twenties) is talking to MARIA, a pair of boots on the counter.

RAY

I bought them in to be mended a couple

of weeks ago.

Maria takes the boots. She inspects one of them carefully. She turns it over, looks at the sole, and then the heel.

RAY

When I first brought them in, it took

well over a week for them to be sorted.

I was told it was only going to be a

couple of days.

MARIA

(Putting the boot that she has been inspecting

down on the counter) That's okay. Nothing

wrong with that.

RAY

That's not the one causing the problem.

(MARIA picks up the other boot)

If I'd known then what I know now,

I think I would've done things a bit differently.

MARIA is looking at the other boot. She turns it over, and all looks fine. Then she pulls slightly on the heel, and it comes away. It's completely broken.

RAY

See what I mean?

MARIA

One moment please.

MARIA goes into the back with the boot and talks to her father, who interrupts his work. CARLOS lifts his glasses to peer into the empty well of the broken heel's interior. After a while, MARIA returns to the counter.

MARIA

Yes, these are very difficult to repair.

RAY

(Pointing to CARLOS) That's what he told

me before. When I came to pick them up, 

I asked why they'd taken so long. He said

that he'd had to send them away. 'Send

them away?' I said. 'Where to?' 'The

workshop,' he says, 'I can't do them here.'

MARIA

(Showing RAY the broken heel) If you look,

you can see. Because they are made of

plastic, they are very difficult to mend.

RAY

(Pointing again at CARLOS) That's exactly

what he said. Exactly.

MARIA

He is my father.

RAY

That explains it then. 'All the boots now

are coming from Taiwan and China,' he

says. To be honest, I don't care if they're

coming from Timbuktu, I just want them

fixed. I can't be the first person with a

broken heel.

MARIA

We can send them to the workshop again

but .. I do not think that it will work.

RAY

So you're not really .. You don't repair.

It's not what you do at all.

MARIA studiously ignores the bait and smiles at RAY.

MARIA

Look. (She leans over the counter and shows

RAY the inside of the heel) Try to see, really

see what I am saying, and you will understand.

There is nothing to work with to recreate the

heel, because it is made of plastic. This boot

 .. is cheap. My father should never have agreed

to mend it. He can never say no. And now you

are angry because it is broken again.

RAY looks at the boot, and then at MARIA. They are close.  He is being affected both by her cutting remark and their closeness. A moment.

RAY

Right. So.  (Another moment) What should I do?

RAY is attracted to MARIA now, moustache and all. He looks at her again, seeing her in a completely different way from before.

MARIA

(Soft) I will try one more time. Yes?

One more time we give it a go. And

if it is not possible to mend them, I

will give you your money back.

RAY

Okay.

MARIA writes out a ticket receipt and hands it to RAY. RAY takes it, looks at it. For him, it is a token of hope, a promise of possibility. The moment is broken as Security Officer CONNOR comes up to the counter.  

CONNOR

(To MARIA, showing her a photograph)

Excuse me, Madam, have you seen this 

man?

MARIA

(A moment as she looks at the photograph) 

No.  Sorry.  Why?  Who is it?

RAY

It's the Longbow Killer.  Isn't it?

CONNOR looks at RAY suspiciously before walking off.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

The shoe-repairers. As RAY is going, a MAN comes up to the counter. He has a key in his hand.

MAN

(To MARIA) This door-key doesn't work

and now I can't get in.

The One About The Bicycle

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

A bicycle shop. ABU - the man who was looking suspicious in The One About The Busybody - sits astride a brand new bicycle, getting a feel for it, as the ASSISTANT explains its features. ABU's girlfriend DELLA (30) watches.

ASSISTANT

Aluminium frame, alloy hubs, double wall rims,

alloy cranks, semi-raised steel handlebars, and

21-speed Shimano shifter. It’s a good all-purpose

bicycle, very robust ..

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

The main concourse of Sunnyside. Security Guard CONNOR is talking to someone on the walkie-talkie. Beside him is DYLAN (40), the Deputy Security Manager.  They are very jumpy, eyes peeled for the Longbow Killer or - failing that - anyone who looks in the least bit suspicious.

CONNOR

(To JIM) Say again, Jim.

JIM

(OOV on the walkie-talkie) He’s bought a push-bike.

DYLAN

(To CONNOR, indicating the whole shopping centre)

No bikes.  We’ve got him.

3. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

We see DELLA with ABU, who is wheeling his brand new bike through the main concourse of Sunnyside. See some way ahead, DYLAN and CONNOR walking towards them, urgent.

4. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

The main concourse of Sunnyside. CONNOR goes up to ABU as DYLAN holds back.

CONNOR

Excuse me, sir. No bicycles in the shopping centre.

ABU

Oh.

CONNOR

Company policy.

ABU

But I’ve just bought it.

CONNOR

No bicycles allowed, sir.

ABU

But I bought it here.

CONNOR

Sorry sir.

DELLA

This is ridiculous.

DYLAN

(Stepping forward) The best thing to do is to take it

back to the shop you bought it from. If you can carry

it, rather than wheeling it along, that would be acceptable.

ABU

You're having a laugh.

DYLAN

You can ask them to deliver it.

ABU picks up the bike and starts to walk back to the bicycle shop. DYLAN and CONNOR watch them.

CONNOR

Sorry about that, sir.

ABU

Yeah. Sure you are.

5. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

DELLA, with ABU carrying the brand new bicycle through the concourse.

6. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

DYLAN and CONNOR in the concourse. Suddenly, ABU burns past them on his bike, giving them a finger as he goes. Close on DYLAN and CONNOR as they take it in.

The One About The Sebatier Knives

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY. TONY the Salesman is still trying to flog a credit card to MAN MOUNTAIN BOB.

TONY

What’s that supposed to mean?

BOB

I’m really not interested.

TONY

There’s no trick.  Go with.  Go with.

(BOB is thinking. He looks around the mall).

BOB

I was only killing time.

TONY

Don’t ever do that, mate. Life’s too short for that.

I’ve offered you a 25% discount on your mortgage, yeah? 

Now what I'm going to do is double your life insurance.

BOB

What’s the catch?

TONY

There is no catch ..

TONY is beginning to lose patience.

TONY

(Counting on his fingers) You’ve got the interest-free credit on the

card, you’ve got the discount on the car insurance, the discount on

the mortgage - and I’ve doubled your life assurance in the event of

your untimely death. And .. to top it all, right, I’m going to give you ..

(he bends down behind the counter, re-appears with a set of kitchen

knives in a wooden block) this set of fourteen Sebatier Professional

kitchen knives. Top of the range they are, if you were to buy these

in the shops, they’d retail for £69.99. Look at this (he takes out one

of the larger ones, takes a piece of paper and slices it in two).

BOB 

I like knives.

TONY

You get free identity theft assistance as well.

So if someone hacks into your computer

or gets your PIN number, you’re covered.

BOB

(Pointing to the knives) Have you got one of

those boxed up?

TONY

I have indeed.

As TONY bends down there’s a quivering noise and then a terrible crunch. TONY re-appears with the boxed set of kitchen knives, puts it on the counter. Looks up. And what he sees is .. indescribable. BOB is looking down. A bloodied arrow-head protrudes through his chest, through his T-shirt, blood expanding everywhere. Totally in shock. He looks at TONY, a frown of annoyance forming on his forehead, a frown of incomprehension.

TONY

What the fuck ..

BOB

(Disbelieving) What’s that?

TONY

Shit ..

BOB

That’s not right.

BOB begins to fall forward on the counter, twists, his legs buckle and he crashes to the ground.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

Security Guards CONNOR and HAYLEY running through the mall, walkie-talkies in hand, squawking.

3. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

BOB on his side in a pool of blood, white as a sheet and still, the shaft of the arrow between his shoulder-blade and neck. People milling around. See HAYLEY kneeling down beside BOB, trying to work out what to do, as CONNOR tries to push people back.

The One About The Busybody

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

A man, ABU, is standing in the main concourse opposite the toilets. He’s in his early thirties and has a long black beard. He is reading from the Koran, mouthing the words. Occasionally he looks up, looks at his watch, and then goes back to his silent reading.

Unbeknown to him, he is being watched by CRYSTAL, who is sitting having a cup of tea in a nearby café, Luigi’s. CRYSTAL is an old lady in her eighties who is wearing a faded wedding dress and Nike running shoes. Today, CRYSTAL is being a busybody. Over this we hear a DJ on Sunnyside Radio.

SUNNYSIDE RADIO DJ
(Chirpy and breezy) .. And of course, you can help us

by reporting anything or anyone suspicious,

because these days, as I’m sure you’ll agree, you

can’t be too careful. And remember to keep your

belongings with you at all times. Anything left unattended

will be removed and may be destroyed.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

In the main concourse, CRYSTAL approaches CONNOR and HAYLEY, Security Guards.

CRYSTAL

Don’t look now but there’s a man over there behaving

very suspiciously.

CONNOR

(Looking around) Which man, ma’am?

CRYSTAL points at ABU. HAYLEY and CONNOR follow her gaze. They see ABU apparently reading aloud from the Koran.

HAYLEY
And what in particular has aroused your

suspicions about this person, ma’am?

CRYSTAL
Well, he keeps looking at his watch.

CONNOR
He does look dodgy, I’ll give you that.

HAYLEY
We’ll take care of it from here, ma’am.

The One About The Salesman

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

A salesman, TONY, is selling MBNA credit cards in the mall behind a stall. Behind him, exhibition display boards with micro-lighting show posters of the credit card and the strap-line, ’The Gateway To A Better Life,’ and a cheesy picture of a perfect, smiling family.

Two BLONDES in hot-pants and tight-fitting T-shirts with ‘Get A Better Life’ emblazoned on them are handing out leaflets, smiling cheesy grins. TONY is doing a job on BOB, whom we saw in The One About The Longbow.  He is a man-mountain with cropped hair, T-shirt, trainers, track-suit and tattoos. A big gold chain around his tree-trunk neck, big gold rings on his fat fingers.

TONY

Nought per cent interest on balance transfers and nought

per cent on purchases for nine months. Interested?

BOB

Not really.

TONY

Five hundred Nectar points for free.

BOB

Nah, you’re alright mate.

TONY

25% discount on the current cost of your

car insurance guaranteed if you switch?

BOB

Nah.

TONY

Oh ye of little faith, you offer people something

for nothing, and they immediately think you’re

trying to trick them.

BOB

Nothing to do with religion, mate. I just

don't want a credit card. That's all.

The One About The Skateboarders

1. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

One of the rear service yards to the shopping centre. A sign on a wall reads ‘F Service Yard.’ Another, with a clamping graphic, says ‘Cars parked here without authorisation will be clamped.’ Some cars parked, refuse wheelie-bins, and over the way below wire fencing a line of recycling units - for bottles, plastic, paper, clothes.

Signs everywhere: ‘Danger. Vehicles unloading’ ‘Sprinkler Stop Valve’ ‘Cars parked without authorisation will be clamped’ ‘No parking’ ‘No skateboarding’ and ‘CCTV cameras are operating in this area.’

WINOS drinking Tenants Super near to the rear sliding entrance doors to the shopping centre. Across the way, a telecom engineer’s temporary work hut has been erected.

Some KIDS aimlessly kicking about their skateboards near to the fence. They’re not skating really - the occasional jump maybe, but it’s like they’ve been doing it all morning and they’ve finished for the day. Now they’re just hanging around. They are JOSH (14), JAM (16) and ERROL (15).

CONNOR (late 20S) and HAYLEY (25), security guards, appear through the rear entrance doors. Behind them, graffiti on the wall: “The Outlaws Cry” and “Crazy Horse.”

2. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SERVICE YARD. DAY.

CONNOR and HAYLEY are with the KIDS.

CONNOR

It’s breaking the law. (He indicates a

sign on a wall, ‘No skateboarding’)

ERROL

But we’re not doing nothing.

CONNOR

So what are those? (Indicates their skateboards)

ERROL

Doesn’t mean nothing.

3. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SERVICE YARD. DAY.

Another kid, KURT (18), approaches the others.

JAM

(To KURT) What’s happening?

KURT

Fuck all.

HAYLEY takes out a pad and starts filling in a form, like a parking attendant dishing out a ticket.

HAYLEY

What’s your name?

KURT

What y’wanna know my name for?

HAYLEY

I’m giving you a fixed penalty notice.

KURT

You what?

JOSH

That’s nice.

HAYLEY

Eighty pound fine for swearing.

KURT

You must be fucking joking.

HAYLEY

No I’m not.

KURT

Says who?

HAYLEY

Says the law. Under the Public Order Act.

KURT

Nothing to do with the public though, is it?

And nothing to do with you. ‘Cos it’s just

between me and me mates. Meaning it don’t

concern you. So keep your nose out of it.

HAYLEY

What’s your name?

KURT

I’m not telling you.

The others start to laugh.

JOSH

It’s Kurt.

KURT

(To JOSH, annoyed) Oi you.

HAYLEY

Kurt what?

JOSH

Cobain.

The One About The Longbow

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY. Inside a shop, ‘A Man’s World.’ Pen knives, gadgets, digital razors, executive toys, pens that record audio, watches, poker sets, torches, 20-piece barbecue sets, radio-controlled jet fighters and spy cameras in a lighter. Outside, swarms of people. It’s open to the main shopping centre concourse, so it doesn’t have a doorway. KEVIN, an assistant, approaches a bloke DAVE, who’s looking around.

KEVIN

Can I help you, sir?

DAVE

(Distracted, miles away) Fine thanks.

KEVIN

If you need any help ..

Meanwhile, at the counter, seen by DAVE, is another customer BOB, being served by the Manager, MAHMOUD. This is MAN MOUNTAIN BOB.

BOB

So how many different knives does it have?

MAHMOUD opens the box and takes out a Swiss Army knife.

MAHMOUD

This is called the Huntsman Plus, which comes with wood

saw and pressurised ball point pen. As well as blades,

screwdrivers, can openers. The whole kit and caboodle.

Everything you need. See this, look, I show you. (He opens

out the saw and starts to cut through a little piece of bamboo).

BOB

I like that.

MAHMOUD

Very useful in the jungle .. Anywhere. Or ..

(He gets another box out of the cabinet) Then

if you want to go the whole hog, there's this which

has a built-in MP3 player and digital voice recorder.

BOB

Wow.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. A MAN'S WORLD. DAY.

DAVE approaches the assistant  KEVIN. There is a sign. ‘If you don’t see what you’re looking for, please ask one of our sales assistants.’

DAVE

Do you have a crossbow?

KEVIN

(Feigning uncertainty) Umm .. No .. (As patronising a

tone as possible, to MAHMOUD) No crossbows, have we?

MAHMOUD

Give me a minute .. (To BOB) Is it a gift?

You want it wrapped?

BOB

Just in a bag’s fine.

3. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. A MAN'S WORLD. DAY.

MAHMOUD gets out a catalogue, opens it on the counter top. Flicks the pages, then taps into a computer. Half muttering to himself, like he doesn’t want to be beaten by this.

MAHMOUD

We might just .. (have one in stock).

A moment.

MAHMOUD

Let me see for you. Won't take a minute.

Ah. No. (Defeated: computer says 'No') Sorry.

DAVE

What about a longbow?

MAHMOUD

A longbow ..

Again he taps on the computer key-board. MAHMOUD then disappears into the back as KEVIN casts DAVE a look which says, ‘You‘re a weird fucker.’

MAHMOUD re-appears with a long thin box.

MAHMOUD

.. In luck. (Barely able to conceal his triumph)

I think we’ll find that this .. (He puts it down

on the counter)  Ravenbeak English Longbow

made from yew and bamboo. (He beams)

4. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. A MAN'S WORLD. DAY.

Close on the lid being taken off the box, polystyrene chips being swept away by a hand, to reveal a beautiful longbow. MAHMOUD picks it out, holds it up, and hands it to DAVE, who remains inscrutable.

DAVE takes the longbow. Inspects it, closely. Handles it as if he knows what he’s doing. Smells it.  Meanwhile, MAHMOUD takes some feathered arrows out from inside the polystyrene chips. They are astonishing.

DAVE 

Give it a try?

MAHMOUD

(Not entirely sure if he’s joking)

Not really. (Embarrassed laugh)

DAVE holds the longbow at full arm’s length, the bow to his cheek.

DAVE

I need to test the thing.

MAHMOUD

Sure. Get a feel ..

DAVE takes out one of the arrows, places it, steps into the entrance-way, raises the longbow and pulls back the bow itself to his cheek - the feather of the arrow under his nose. MAHMOUD looks on nervously, an anxious glance to KEVIN.

DAVE

How much is it?

MAHMOUD

It’s six hundred and fifty five pounds

and ninety nine pence.

And then very quickly, expertly - like the way a violinist puts the violin to shoulder and bow to string in one seamless moment - DAVE aims high, stretches the bow right back, arches his back and lets fly. To the horror of MAHMOUD and KEVIN.

DAVE

(Turning to MAHMOUD) It’s a bit light.

(Clocking their shocked expressions)

I think I’ll leave it for now.

MAHMOUD

Right you are. I don’t think you ..

DAVE hands the long-bow to MAHMOUD and leaves.

MAHMOUD

Shit man.

KEVIN

Fucking hell!

The One About The Terror Suspect

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY. 

Two security guards ambling along the vast main concourse of Sunnyside Shopping Mall. Uniform, name badge, walkie-talkie, peak cap. They are CONNOR, late 20s, number one crop and goatee; and HAYLEY, 25, not bad looking for a security guard. They think they’re the business, more US Law Enforcement officers than retail security. They pass beneath a huge banner poster hanging from above, ‘We Are Londoners,’ with the ‘We’ ‘Are’ and ‘one’ picked out in red. The Shopping Centre’s own radio station, Sunnyside FM, heard over. 

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY. 

Currys. See CONNOR and HAYLEY ambling through the TVs. We notice that CONNOR is watching an an attractive woman as she looks at refrigerators. HAYLEY clocks this and mutters under her breath.

On all the TVs, THE HOME SECRETARY is giving a press conference. CONNOR is pretending to watch one of the televisions, a wide-screen plasma, when in fact he is looking just over the top of it at the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN. We cut between CONNOR staring, the TV and THE HOME SECRETARY, and the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.

THE HOME SECRETARY on the TV

Britain is now facing the most sustained period of severe

threat since the end of the Second World War. From a new

breed of ruthless and unconstrained international terrorists.

Sometimes we may have to modify our freedoms in order

to prevent their abuse by those who would destroy our

world.

3. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

CONNOR and HAYLEY following the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, who carries a handbag and a Currys carrier bag, in the main concourse of the Shopping Mall.

4. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

CONNOR and HAYLEY go up to the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.

CONNOR

(With effortless ease and poise) Excuse me, madam ..

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

Yes?

With HAYLEY beside him, he leads the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN to the side of the concourse, an exit door (‘Staff only’) nearby.

CONNOR

Could I see inside your bag, please?

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

Excuse me?

CONNOR

If you could just open your carrier bag for me?

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

Why?

HAYLEY

It’s purely routine, ma’am.

The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN hesitates.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

(Opening her carrier bag) Alright.

HAYLEY

Vigilance is our watchword. The moment we think

the problem’s gone away is the moment they’ve won.

CONNOR

(Taking the carrier bag and looking inside) Okay ..

He puts the bag on the ground and ferrets around while the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN begins to lose her patience.

CONNOR

Looks fine.  (He hands the carrier bag back to her)

Could I see your handbag, please?

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

(Affronted) What?

CONNOR

Your handbag, please.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

You’re joking, aren’t you? Why?

HAYLEY

We are in the middle of a war, I'm afraid to say.

There's no two ways about it.

They say they will not stop until they have

wiped us off the face of the earth.

The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN looks at them, weighing up her options. She decides.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

(Under her breath) Fuck’s sake.

The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN hands over her handbag and HAYLEY goes through it. There’s not much - a purse, keys, tissue, car park ticket, lipstick - she hands the lipstick to CONNOR. HAYLEY takes the purse, opens it and looks inside. CONNOR opens the lipstick, checking to see it's not a small explosive device, twists it up, turns it back, puts the lid on. The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN is now getting angry.

HAYLEY

Okay, Miss Church, I’m going to ask you to accompany us 

through here so we’re ..

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

This is a wind-up right? Give me my things back ...

But CONNOR and HAYLEY are ushering her through doors marked ’Staff only’ even as she is protesting.

5. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPNG CENTRE. DAY.

A white featureless corridor leading off the central mall. The doors have swung shut behind them.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

I want to know what the fuck is going on!

HAYLEY

It’s routine security .. nothing to worry about.

CONNOR

(Handing the lipstick to HAYLEY) That's fine.

HAYLEY puts the lipstick carefully back in the purse which she puts back in the handbag, and gives it back to the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.  At last, thinks the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, it’s over now.

HAYLEY

Could I ask you to lift up your top?

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

(Unbelieving) What?

HAYLEY

(Firm, authoritative) If I could just ask you to lift

your top up for me, please.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

(Shaking her head in disbelief) Right, that's it.  I've 

had enough of this.  You two are fucking out of order ..

CONNOR

It's for all our sakes ... 

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

(She turns to go through the doors) Fucking perverts ..

(Over her shoulder) I'm gonna report this to the police.

CONNOR

It’s for all our safety ...

The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN is gone.  She has stormed out of the staff doors.  A moment.  CONNOR and HAYLEY lean against the walls of the corridor, opposite each other.  They've been rumbled.  CONNOR blows out.