The One About The Axis Of Evil

INT.  TODDS THE BARBERS.  DAY.

Picking up on The One About The Boiler.  SIMON framed in the mirror, his hair wet, as MACKENZIE cuts away.

MACKENZIE

He rang me up the other day.  He said, 'Have 

you got a minute?'  I sort of didn't, but I've

known him since I was 16, and I know that

on occasion you have to hear him out. He

says, 'Bush is going to bomb Iran.'  I said,

'Oh, right.  Why's that then?'  He said, 'Don't

worry about that, that's not the point.'  The

idea that the future of civilisation might be

beside the point is ..  Anyway.  He says, 'The

point is the price of oil is going through the

roof.'  'Oh,' I say.  He says, 'I've looked in

Loot and you can get a tank that holds

10,000 litres for 45 quid.' 

SIMON

Uh?

MACKENZIE

'Obviously,' he says, 'I can't keep it in the

garage 'cos it's too big.  But I've got a mate

who owns a farm can keep it at his.  Fill it

up with red diesel 'til it's all over.'

SIMON

(After a moment)  What's red diesel?

MACKENZIE

It's what farmers use.  It's cheaper 'cos you

don't have to pay VAT.

SIMON

That bloke's a lunatic.  Ayotollah-Jihadi

what's-his-chops, the President, says

the Holocaust was all made up.  Zionist

conspiracy.  (A moment)  What's his name?

(A moment)  So what was he going to do

with it, sell it?'

MACKENZIE

Oh no, it was for his own personal use.

Cheap supply of fuel, 'til it's all over.' 

SIMON

(Trying to remember the President's

name)  Ahmenijad, or something.

MACKENZIE

No, he wasn't going to sell it.

The One About Maeve

1.  INT.  THE ANGEL.  DAY.

Pick up on The One About The Banker, focusing on MAEVE (who we saw in the first story), looking disconsolate, a pint of lager in front of her, whilst elsewhere the suited TONY HILLCOCK has a go at MICKY SHEPHERD for resigning from his high-powered job without explanation.

2.  INT.  SUPERMARKET.  DAY. FLASHBACK.

Sainsburys.  The far corner, near the fridges: all sorts of different juices and milk.  It's the middle of the afternoon and it's quiet.  See THOMPSON standing behind a small counter, sort of swaying because he is so bored.  We saw THOMPSON in the first story with MAEVE, and in The One About The March Of Time.  He's a big man with a big belly.  This story is a flash-back as MAEVE remembers.  On the counter in front of him are ranged four small different coloured bottles of water.

3.  INT.  SUPERMARKET.  DAY. FLASHBACK.

See MAEVE walking purposefully towards the back of the supermarket. MAEVE is always cheerful.  As she comes to the end of the aisle, she sees the tall and rotund THOMPSON, standing behind the counter with the water bottles.  He looks slightly ridiculous. He sees her and comes to life, greeting her, an American accent.

THOMPSON

Hello there.

MAEVE

Hello.

THOMPSON

(Slightly leaning towards her)  Can I interest

you in some Dasani Flavoured Water?

MAEVE

(Smiles and thinks; she hates to disappoint)

Um ..  I'm sort of .. (In a rush.  She looks

around)  I'll have a taste.

THOMPSON

Would you like strawberry, rasberry, mango or -

MAEVE

(Wanting to get it over with)  Strawberry's fine.

THOMPSON pours some into a small plastic cup and gives it to MAEVE, who tastes it.

MAEVE

Do you know what?  That's surprisingly good.

THOMPSON

You know what?  That's what they all say.

God's truth.  I wouldn't sell it else.

MAEVE

It's very refreshing.

THOMPSON

And not only that.  It's got no calories,

so you don't put weight on.

A moment.  Oops, he might have blown it.  MAEVE, of course, is well proportioned.  Mind you, THOMPSON's no Daddy Long-Legs.

MAEVE

(Not taking any offence)  Now you're talking.

THOMPSON

It's only just come on the market.

MAEVE

(Taking another taste)  I thought I hadn't

seen it before.

THOMPSON

It's a good way to hydrate yourself and at

the same time it's nutritional. (A moment)

It's got all sorts of vitamins in it.  Would

you like to buy some?

MAEVE

(Surprising herself)  I think I would.

THOMPSON

Would you like me to get you a bottle?

MAEVE

Yes please.

THOMPSON

(Going off to the fridges)  Would you

like the strawberry, or rasberry or -

MAEVE

The strawberry's fine.  (A moment.  To

his back)  What I really came for was

some milk.

The One About Kevin Keegan (Part 1)

Luigi's Cafe.  A different angle on The One About Crystal's Memory. We focus on HARRY (late 30s) and his supervisor KENNY (early 40s). Hard hats at the side, papers in front of them as they eat.  KENNY is playing Sudoku in the London Paper while HARRY is reading the sport.  In the background, we see CRYSTAL and JOSEPH - as ROSALINDA takes JOSEPH's order - and elsewhere, LENA and her friend SARAH, both in their 20s. The TV on in the corner.

HARRY

(Reading)  "Sister Josephine Matthews

said there's nothing wrong calling him a

Messiah.  'I don't think Jesus would mind,'

she said."  (A moment.  He looks up at

KENNY)  I beg to differ.  Jesus will mind,

in my opinion, if our Kev isn't any good.  (He

looks down again to read the paper)  

King Kev, it says here, hasn't watched a

single game in three years.  (After a moment,

he looks up at KENNY again) He went in and

talked to the team at half-time, told them

not to worry about that. (A moment) Call

me old-fashioned, but doesn't that mean

you know fuck all?

KENNY

Don't knock Special K.  Jimmy put a

bet on him becoming manager.  Just

over a week ago.  Which no one saw

coming.  (A moment)  Not even Shearer.

Won four and a half fucking grand.

HARRY

You're shitting me?

KENNY

He put some money on Shearer as well ..

HARRY

He hit the jackpot there.

HARRY goes back to reading the sports news, and KENNY goes back to his Sudoku.  Commentary from the TV wafts in:

NEWS PRESENTER

"The Home Secretary said that an

effective response to terrorism could

never depend only on government

and the police .."

HARRY

(To KENNY, but his head down reading

again)  Havant are the only non-League

club left in the FA Cup. They're 100-1 to

beat Liverpool.  And 10,000-1 to win the

Cup.  (He looks up at KENNY again)

What do you think?

KENNY

Haven't a hope.

HARRY

(A moment.  Deadpan)  That's

good.  'Haven't a hope.'

The One About Ernie (Part 2)

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

ERNIE, the skeletal old man we saw before in The One About The Ernie, has been stopped for speeding in his motorised wheelchair outside Woolworths on the Upper Level by Security Officer HAYLEY.

HAYLEY

You could've knocked some-

one over.  You were going

so fast, you wouldn't have 

been able to stop in time.  It

would only have taken a small

child to come out of here (she

indicates Woolworths behind

her) and .. bam!  (She punches

her fist into her hand for

added effect).  Carnage.

ERNIE

That's what brakes are for.

HAYLEY

If it happens again, I'll have no

option but to give you a fine.

Let this be a warning to you.

ERNIE is seething.  He shakes his head and looks away in disgust.  His attention is drawn by a scrawny couple, KEVIN and LAILA, both in their late 20s, talking to their teenage son VERNON, whose face is gaunt and empty.

KEVIN

(Utterly helpless) Come 'ome

soon, son.  So we can talk to

you.  Yeah?

LAILA

(Close to tears)  We ain't seen

you for such a long time.  Just

come 'ome to talk, that's all.

VERNON

(He won't)  I will. I will.  (He goes)

ERNIE drives off, watched by HAYLEY.

The One About Crystal's Memory

Luigi's Cafe.  CRYSTAL, as always in faded wedding dress and veil, is in the corner with a cup of tea, reading a book.  Close in on the cover: 'The Secrets of Solitary Witches - And How To Make Your Spells Work.'

LENA, early 20s, attractive, and her friend SARAH, 20s, who wears a starched white uniform, having breakfast.  LUIGI himself and ROSALINDA, his daughter, working.  Elsewhere, two men in fluorescent jackets and hard hats on the table.  This is HARRY (late 30s) and his supervisor KENNY (early 40s), who we saw briefly in The One About Hal.  See a craggy man, JOSEPH, coming in.  He's probably in his late 50s or early 60s, it's difficult to tell.  There's something of the vagrant about him.  He goes up to CRYSTAL.

JOSEPH

Mind if I join you?

CRYSTAL

(Looking up from her book)

Help yourself.  (She gives him 

a smile)

JOSEPH

Much obliged to yer, ma'am.

CRYSTAL

Think nothing of it.

JOSEPH

Who's the lucky fella?

CRYSTAL

(After a long moment)  I'm

ashamed to say .. I've forgotten.

JOSEPH

That can't be good.

ROSALINDA comes over to take JOSEPH's order.  JOSEPH looks at ROSALINDA, and then looks at CRYSTAL.  He doesn't have any money.

JOSEPH

Next time .. it's on me.

The One About The Boiler

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

A hairdressers, S. Todd  - old style, Fifties chairs, trendy.  A sofa.  Large mirrors along the walls, a wooden floor.  A large window onto the mall.  It's busy.  There are four HAIRDRESSERS working: MACKENZIE and BEDFORD (both mid-30s), KERRY (25) and KIRSTEN (late 20s).  An assistant, WINSTON (21) is on the phone and entering an appointment into a diary.  A door at the back leads downstairs.

The focus throughout is MACKENZIE as he cuts the hair of SIMON, who was last seen in The One About The Bogeyman.  Their conversation is framed entirely in the mirror in front of them.  On the mirror, close in on a sticker which shows troops in full combat-gear with helicopter gun-ships flying above them.  Underneath, the caption reads 'Americans Flying Overhead.'  

MACKENZIE

I searched on the internet and I

discover that the going rate to fix

it is two and a half grand.

SIMON

For a new boiler?  That sounds a

bit steep.

MACKENZIE

I've got this mate who buys council

properties, puts as many bedrooms

in them as possible, then rents them

to students.  Does everything on the

cheap.  Consequently he's very rich.

He says to me, 'The Bosch is like a

Mercedes, the Vaillant's like a Ford,

and what you want's a Fiat.  Something

that runs forever and there are always

parts available.'

The One About Ernie (Part 1)

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

See ERNIE, skeletal and ancient, a hearing aid in his ear, driving a Cordoba motorised wheelchair along the Upper Tier.  We see some SHOPPERS stepping out of the way as they see him bearing down on them.  We see a SMALL CHILD, oblivious, about to be mown down.  A hand grabs the hood of the CHILD's coat as ERNIE blasts past.

MOTHER

(To ERNIE)  Watch it, will yer?

But ERNIE can't hear a thing.  He tips her a salute as he passes, all smiles.

ERNIE

(To THE MOTHER)  How do.

MOTHER

(To the disappearing ERNIE)  Look

where you're fuckin' going.

The One About The Preacher

A reverse angle on The One About The Bogeyman.  BBs restaurant for muffins and ice creams, which opens onto the central concourse.  We are with MIRIAM, a self-styled preacher, as she approaches the customers, none of whom wish to acknowledge her presence or existence. Nearest to her are a YOUNG COUPLE and a WOMAN on her own reading a book.  At the back are SIMON and his daughter RUBY in conversation, and a WAITRESS.  

MIRIAM

Everybody has got a time in this life.

For each of you, your time will come ..

to be significant.  To shine like jewels.  You

must be wise enough, smart enough

to see the opportunity for what it is,

and seize it. Then you can become

like Kings and Queens. 

WOMAN READING

(Looking up from her book)  Excuse me,

I don't want to be rude, but I want to

read.  Every now and then, you seem

 to pop up out of nowhere.  Why don't

you choose somewhere else? (And

at that she returns to her reading)

MIRIAM

Each of us is special.  As long as you are

not selfish, I promise you, you will make

it in this world.  It is more important to

greet a fellow human being -

WOMAN READING

(Interrupting her) It isn't.  It is more

important to listen.

And at that she slams shut her book, puts it in her bag, and walks off - all of which has been seen by the WAITRESS.

MIRIAM

Bless everybody for their strength.  This

is very important, because there is a power

in each of you which is beyond all under-

standing.  You may have to find a way to

discover it in yourselves, you may know

that you already have it.  But with it you

will be free.  And the world will be yours.

But if you are sinful or greedy, then you

will be punished.  Believe me, I know what

awaits you.

WAITRESS

Get lost, Miriam.  I won't warn you again.

The One About The Banker

The Angel Public House, set within the main entrance way to Sunnyside in the covered outer piazza.  It has a large central island bar, an eclectic mix of furniture and sofas, a kitchen at the back and a blackboard menu on the wall.  There are stairs to a function room and private accommodation on the floors above.  The landlord, RONNIE THE MOOSE, is behind the bar.

It's the middle of the afternoon and the place is almost deserted.  There's a couple of BLOKES at the bar, regulars who occasionally involve RONNIE in their conversation.  A woman on her own, MAEVE (who we saw in the first story, The One About The Public Convenience Part 1), looking disconsolate.  And a couple of PEOPLE by one of the windows:  MICKY SHEPHERD (40s) is the banker of the title or rather ex-banker as he has just resigned.  He has beside him a placard leaning against the wall.  It reads 'Internet - £1 - For 2 Hours' with an arrow beneath.   We saw him, fleetingly, in The One About The Curry Sale amongst the other SIGN PEOPLE.  Talking to MICKY is TONY HILLCOCK, late 30s, suit. MICKY stares out of the window and appears to be largely ignoring him.

TONY

Come on Micky, let's talk about

it.  I didn't come all this way

to .. I think, at the very least,

you owe me an explanation.

MICKY

I just don't want to do it anymore.

I want it to stop.  I want everything

to slow down .. to a standstill.

TONY

So you think .. by doing this (he

nods towards the placard) time

will slow down?

MICKY

I do.  (A moment)  It does.  Crushingly.

The One About The Manhole Cover

1.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  NIGHT.

One of the rear service yards to the shopping centre: F Service Yard, which featured in The One About The Skateboarders.  It is dimly lit.  A van is parked in a bay beneath a sign which reads: 'Cars parked here without authorisation will be clamped.'  The doors of the van are open, and we can just make out tools inside.

Nearby, in the centre of the yard, a red and white-striped temporary canvas work hut used by telecom engineers has been erected.  There is light inside it.

2.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  NIGHT.

Inside the canvas hut is YOSHITAKA and ZENSHO, both in their late 20s.  They are kneeling on the ground looking at a manhole cover between them.  YOSHITAKA holds a lamp over it, and as he does so we see that it has a complex design of shapes and hieroglyphs, a bit like a maze.  It is circular within a square frame.  Across the bottom is the inscription, 'La Fonderie Toulouse.'  YOSHITAKA and ZENSHO marvel at it as if it were a work of art. 

3.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  NIGHT.

Inside the canvas hut, ZENSHO is trying to open the manhole cover with a crow-bar, without success.

YOSHITAKA

Here, let me have a go.

4.  EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  NIGHT.

Inside the hut, ZENSHO and YOSHITAKA, both wearing round welding goggles, are using an oxycetaline torch around the edge of the manhole cover.

5.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

The following morning, F Service Yard. There is no van, no canvas work hut.  But there is a hole in the yard where the manhole cover once was.  Above it stands HAYLEY who, as ever, is on her walkie-talkie.  Some SKATEBOARDERS seen over in the corner.

HAYLEY

Control, come in.

The One About Hal

1.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SUPERMARKET CAR PARK.  DAY.

JESSICA (mid-thirties) in a lift to the underground car park beneath Sunnyside Shopping Centre.  With her are her two daughters, CHLOE (nine) and RUBY (seven), dressed in Boden.  RUBY we saw with her father SIMON in The One About The Bogeyman.  A supermarket trolley laden with food and drink between them.  A long moment.

CHLOE

Mum, I don't think we're moving.

2.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SUPERMARKET CAR PARK.  DAY.

See JESSICA unloading the shopping from the supermarket trolley into the back of the car, a BMW X5.   Meanwhile, CHLOE and RUBY are inside the car, in the back, arguing over who sits in the middle.

CHLOE

But you were in the middle on the way.

RUBY

Don't care.

CHLOE

(Losing her temper) Listen ...  Both of you.

Shut up and give me a hand.

There is the sound of glass smashing.

3.  INT.  SUPERMARKET CAR PARK.  DAY.

There are broken bottles on the ground at the back of the BMW, and a river of wine.  JESSICA loses it just as two WORKERS walk past.  They are HARRY (late 30s) and his supervisor KENNY (early 40s), wearing hard hats and fluorescent jackets.  They both look at JESSICA as they pass.

JESSICA

Shit!  Fucking arseholes and .. SHIT!

(To HARRY and KEVIN)  Afternoon!

4.  INT.  SUPERMARKET CAR PARK. DAY.

JESSICA approaches the car park exit barrier.  CHLOE is in the passenger seat beside her, and RUBY is sitting in the back on the arm-rest in the middle.  JESSICA posts her ticket into the machine.

RUBY

(To JESSICA)  I wasn't doing anything.

CHLOE

(To JESSICA)  Yes she was.  My stupid

little sister.

Close on the ticket machine.  'You must pay at the ticket machine before exiting.'  JESSICA puts her face in her hands and leans her forehead on the steering wheel.

CHLOE

(Turning to look at her) Mum, what is it?

5.  INT.  SUPERMARKET CAR PARK.  DAY.

JESSICA is talking to the car park ticket machine.  See the camera lens in the machine - like Hal in 2001: A Space Odyssey.  Catch a glimpse of a long queue of cars behind her in the wing mirror.

JESSICA

I'm trying to explain to you .. the

reason we couldn't get out in time.

Car horns heard blaring from behind.  JESSICA looks over her shoulder at the cars behind, looks ahead at the barrier in front of her, looks at the camera in the machine.

TICKET BARRIER

You must return to the ticket

machine and re-pay the fee.

JESSICA puts the car into gear, revs, and blasts through the barrier which bends backwards and snaps off.

JESSICA

Happy New Year Motherfucker!

6.  INT.  SUPERMARKET CAR PARK.  DAY.

See the BMW burning off, and the smashed barrier left behind in its wake.