KEVIN
Can I help you, sir?
DAVE
(Distracted, miles away) Fine thanks.
KEVIN
If you need any help ..
Meanwhile, at the counter, seen by DAVE, is another customer BOB, being served by the Manager, MAHMOUD. This is MAN MOUNTAIN BOB.
BOB
So how many different knives does it have?
MAHMOUD opens the box and takes out a Swiss Army knife.
MAHMOUD
This is called the Huntsman Plus, which comes with wood
saw and pressurised ball point pen. As well as blades,
screwdrivers, can openers. The whole kit and caboodle.
Everything you need. See this, look, I show you. (He opens
out the saw and starts to cut through a little piece of bamboo).
BOB
I like that.
MAHMOUD
Very useful in the jungle .. Anywhere. Or ..
(He gets another box out of the cabinet) Then
if you want to go the whole hog, there's this which
has a built-in MP3 player and digital voice recorder.
BOB
Wow.
2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. A MAN'S WORLD. DAY.
DAVE approaches the assistant KEVIN. There is a sign. ‘If you don’t see what you’re looking for, please ask one of our sales assistants.’
DAVE
Do you have a crossbow?
KEVIN
(Feigning uncertainty) Umm .. No .. (As patronising a
tone as possible, to MAHMOUD) No crossbows, have we?
MAHMOUD
Give me a minute .. (To BOB) Is it a gift?
You want it wrapped?
BOB
Just in a bag’s fine.
3. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. A MAN'S WORLD. DAY.
MAHMOUD gets out a catalogue, opens it on the counter top. Flicks the pages, then taps into a computer. Half muttering to himself, like he doesn’t want to be beaten by this.
MAHMOUD
We might just .. (have one in stock).
A moment.
MAHMOUD
Let me see for you. Won't take a minute.
Ah. No. (Defeated: computer says 'No') Sorry.
DAVE
What about a longbow?
MAHMOUD
A longbow ..
Again he taps on the computer key-board. MAHMOUD then disappears into the back as KEVIN casts DAVE a look which says, ‘You‘re a weird fucker.’
MAHMOUD re-appears with a long thin box.
MAHMOUD
.. In luck. (Barely able to conceal his triumph)
I think we’ll find that this .. (He puts it down
on the counter) Ravenbeak English Longbow
made from yew and bamboo. (He beams)
4. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. A MAN'S WORLD. DAY.
Close on the lid being taken off the box, polystyrene chips being swept away by a hand, to reveal a beautiful longbow. MAHMOUD picks it out, holds it up, and hands it to DAVE, who remains inscrutable.
DAVE takes the longbow. Inspects it, closely. Handles it as if he knows what he’s doing. Smells it. Meanwhile, MAHMOUD takes some feathered arrows out from inside the polystyrene chips. They are astonishing.
DAVE
Give it a try?
MAHMOUD
(Not entirely sure if he’s joking)
Not really. (Embarrassed laugh)
DAVE holds the longbow at full arm’s length, the bow to his cheek.
DAVE
I need to test the thing.
MAHMOUD
Sure. Get a feel ..
DAVE takes out one of the arrows, places it, steps into the entrance-way, raises the longbow and pulls back the bow itself to his cheek - the feather of the arrow under his nose. MAHMOUD looks on nervously, an anxious glance to KEVIN.
DAVE
How much is it?
MAHMOUD
It’s six hundred and fifty five pounds
and ninety nine pence.
And then very quickly, expertly - like the way a violinist puts the violin to shoulder and bow to string in one seamless moment - DAVE aims high, stretches the bow right back, arches his back and lets fly. To the horror of MAHMOUD and KEVIN.
DAVE
(Turning to MAHMOUD) It’s a bit light.
(Clocking their shocked expressions)
I think I’ll leave it for now.
MAHMOUD
Right you are. I don’t think you ..
DAVE hands the long-bow to MAHMOUD and leaves.
MAHMOUD
Shit man.
KEVIN
Fucking hell!
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