The One About The Heist

1.  INT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

Much later.  It's nearly closing time.  SIMON is at the bar, drinking, plastered.  Clearly, he hasn't made any progress whatsoever with ROXANNE.  Suddenly TWO MEN burst into the pub, wearing balaclavas and wielding baseball bats. They are shouting.  One of them, FIRST BALACLAVA MAN, whacks SIMON hard.  He crashes to the floor.  Meanwhile, SECOND BALACLAVA MAN is screaming at ROXANNE as he clears the bar-top of glasses with his baseball bat.  ROXANNE screams.  Glasses go flying and there is shattering glass everywhere.  Everything happens quickly and simultaneously.

FIRST BALACLAVA MAN

Everybody get down on the floor!

SECOND BALACLAVA MAN

(To ROXANNE)  Open the fucking till!

The few remaining CUSTOMERS in the pub are too stunned to do anything.

FIRST BALACLAVA MAN

I said everybody get down on the floor!

SECOND BALACLAVA MAN

(To ROXANNE)  Say one word and I'll

kill you!

ROXANNE, petrified, opens the till.  SECOND BALACLAVA MAN quickly grabs the till tray and pours the contents into a bag as CUSTOMERS get down on the floor.

Cut to:

2.  INT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

The Ladies Toilet of The Angel.  CUSTOMERS caught up in the robbery lie on the floor.  Close in on ROXANNE and SIMON amongst them.

SIMON

(Whispering to ROXANNE) Hi.

ROXANNE

(Whispering) Hi.

SIMON

You okay?

  

ROXANNE

Not really.

SIMON

 Nor me.

ROXANNE

That'll teach you.

To be continued ...

The One About Kevin Keegan (Part 2)

1.  INT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

HARRY (late 30s), and his mate KENNY (early 40s) are having a drink at the bar.  We last saw them in The One About England. Nearby are SIMON and CARL, behaving like schoolboys as they try not to stare at ROXANNE, and JACK - from The One About The Binge Drinkers a little earlier - who has bumped into someone who knows him.

KENNY

He didn't have any control, that was the

problem.  The moment they brought in

Dennis Wise it all went Pete Tong.  He

had no role in picking the players.

HARRY

Playing Joey Barton against Arsenal 

wasn't the brightest of moves.  I never

really understood what it was about

King Kev, to be honest.  I know the fans

loved him but .. he was bollocks, really.

KENNY

(Not listening to a word Harry's saying)

It's the continental way of doing things.

Cut to:

2.  INT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

SIMON and CARL, a bottle of wine between them, are both fairly pissed.

SIMON

When we leave, we will both say goodbye,

right.  And she will look at me, she will

ignore you completely, and she will say

goodbye to me.  And not to you.

CARL

Twat.

SIMON

Twenty quid.

CARL

I can't drink wine in pubs.  It's not right.

SIMON

Mate, that's our second bottle.

CARL

It's taken me a while for it to dawn.

Cut to:

3.  INT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

JACK is talking to LENA, who we saw last playing darts in The One About Belief.  

JACK

(Trying to impress)  I went to see the doctor

today about my lifestyle.  I was so hung-

over, I forgot to mention my coke habit.

LENA

You don't remember me, do you?

JACK

If I'm being totally honest, and please ..

'cos it's better to be honest, I think.  I

can't quite .. No, I haven't got the foggiest.

Cut to:

4.  EXT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

Later.  SIMON and CARL outside the pub.  In the background, catch sight of a HOODIE riding a fluorescent-green Kawasaki push-bike.

CARL

That was bollocks, that was so nothing, 

that was neither of us.  That was like we

didn't fucking exist.

SIMON

I'm going back in.

West Is Best (Part 2)

1.  INT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

We're back with JOSEPH and LENNY, picking up from West Is Best. LENNY has a fresh pint on the table in front of him. He's looking around, taking everything in.  JOSEPH is returning to the table with a pint from the bar, bringing his saline drip along beside him on its wheels. LENNY really is an arsehole, making him do that.  Not only that.  Their previous conversation - that they no longer really know each other any more - he has absolutely no intention whatsoever of letting drop. 

LENNY

We go back a long way, I'll grant

you that.  But there's a lot in

between that you don't know.

JOSEPH puts his pint down on the table.  He's studiously trying to ignore LENNY, but he just can't stop himself.

JOSEPH

Is that it, then?  Is that all the

thanks I get?  That's charming -

And then at that very moment, just as he's about to sit down, JOSEPH's legs go beneath him. He buckles and goes down fast and hard, just in front of his lifelong friend, who tries to catch him as he goes.  But LENNY's reactions aren't nearly fast enough.  JOSEPH catches his head on the side of the table as he goes, and the saline drip and chair go flying.

2.  INT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

JOSEPH is on the floor, unconscious, as LENNY kneels beside him. With them is ROXANNE, who works behind the bar, and SAIRA, a nurse, who features in The One About The Binge Drinkers.

3.  INT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

JOSEPH is half-conscious now, but very white.  Delirious, and in considerable pain.  He sees, but doesn't see.  SAIRA is holding his hand.  

JOSEPH

You've got to hold on to me, Lenny.

I'm keeling over, you've got to hold

on to me.

SAIRA

It's alright, you've had a fall.

JOSEPH

If I go over, I'll not get back up.  You

need to hold on to me, Lenny, you

understand?  If I go, I'll have to take

you with me.  You mark my words.

(An outburst, very angry)  Pull me up,

Lenny, for Christ's sake pull me up!

LENNY looks helplessly at SAIRA.  He doesn't know what to do. 

4.  INT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

Two PARAMEDICS are strapping JOSEPH on to a stretcher, wrapped in a blanket, a heart monitor beside him.  He has an oxygen mask on his face and is as white as a sheet.

5.  EXT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

The two PARAMEDICS wheel JOSEPH quickly out of the pub, towards the waiting ambulance. As they do so, they pass an old lady in a faded wedding dress who has been hanging around outside.  This is CRYSTAL. As she realises that it is JOSEPH, her hand goes to her mouth; there is a look of absolute horror on her face. The voodoo curse that she set on the landlord has, she believes, mistakenly and successfully targeted her friend JOSEPH.

The One About Roxanne

1.  INT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

The Angel, as before.  SIMON, who we last saw in The One About The Chinese Herbalist, is drinking at the bar with his mate CARL, who is in his early 30s.  They are both watching ROXANNE, early 20s, stunning, who is serving behind the bar.  They don't say a word.  And then ROXANNE throws them both a gorgeous smile.  They're so shocked they nearly choke on their beer - until they realise it's not them, it wasn't meant for them as a tall, handsome MAN comes up to the bar.

ROXANNE

Hello handsome, how are you?

(She kisses him, leaning across

the bar)  Glad you haven't got

your shorts on tonight.

CARL

(To SIMON, off ROXANNE)  Shall

we go somewhere else? 

2.  INT.  THE ANGEL.  NIGHT.

With SIMON and CARL at the bar a little later.  During the scene, SIMON is watching ROXANNE opening a bottle of wine with a lever-operated opener fixed to the bar, while CARL has his back to her.  She's very conscious of the effect she's having on some of the customers.

CARL

She's a good friend, and she'd just split 

up with her boyfriend a couple of months

ago, and she's telling me how desperately

she wants to have sex.  She's complaining

that there isn't anyone, right  And 

I'm thinking, I can think of someone. I'm 

talking to her, I'm the only one there, I'm

in front of her, and I'm struggling to get

anywhere near her, I'm not in her field of

vision at all.

SIMON

Well, it's tragic, isn't it?  (About

ROXANNE) You missed that.

CARL

What?

SIMON

She just opened a bottle of wine.

CARL

(A moment)  Shall we order one?

West Is Best (Part 1)

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  NIGHT.

The Angel.  In a corner we see JOSEPH, who is hooked up to a saline drip, on wheels.  We last saw JOSEPH having a drink in The Angel with CRYSTAL in The One About The Veil.  His health has evidently taken a turn for the worse.  With him is his old friend LENNY, who is in his early 60s and is from Wales.  Elsewhere, we see some people playing darts and, glimpsed in another room, a pool table.

LENNY

What did you bring me here for?

JOSEPH

Why, what's wrong with it?

LENNY

I was just wondering why we came here,

in particular.

JOSEPH

It's my local.  It's where I drink.

LENNY

You don't fancy something different?

JOSEPH

No.  I don't.

LENNY

A change of scenery.

JOSEPH

What are you driving at, Lenny?

LENNY

Well .. (He looks around the pub)

JOSEPH

Go on, spit it out.

LENNY

Given that I've come all this way, I

thought we could go up west.

JOSEPH

I hate it up west.

LENNY

No you don't.

JOSEPH

Yes I do.

LENNY

You used to love it up there.  We'd

have some great times.

JOSEPH

(A flash of anger)  Don't do that, Lenny.

Everyone does that and I fucking hate it.

LENNY

Where I come from, there's nothing to do.

It's enough to drive you up the wall, yeah?

I've travelled a long way to see my old

friend.  I thought I'd not make it in time, if

I'm perfectly honest with you.  But you

came back .. from the brink.  Quite

unexpectedly, I'll have you know.  They'd

given up on you.  They were calling it a day.

JOSEPH

That's what they do.  There's nothing

unexpected in that.

LENNY

They didn't think you had the strength.

They thought you'd given up the ghost.

JOSEPH

It's character.  Character that pulls you

through those situations.

LENNY

And God.

JOSEPH

God has nothing to do with it.

LENNY

I'd be long gone if I didn't have God on

my side.  I mean that, Joseph.

JOSEPH

You're either talking shit like that to get a

reaction.  Or you're not the Lenny I knew.

(He takes a slug of beer)

The One About The Binge Drinkers

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  NIGHT.

The Angel.  JACK and his girlfriend SHIRLEY are drinking with their mates VINCENT and his girlfriend SAIRA.  They are in their mid to late 20s and are drinking Stella - except for SAIRA, who has a Coke.  They were all of them out the night before and are deeply hungover, particularly SAIRA.

JACK

Not the ideal day for a visit to the doctor,

considering ..

SHIRLEY

Anyone could have told you that.  If you

ask me, I think you did it on purpose.  You

think it's clever, you think it's funny.

JACK

(Ignoring her) He said if you're going to

drink, it's better to - 

SHIRLEY

He's got to stop this bingeing.

JACK

It's better to drink weak lager and spread

it more thinly.  Were his words.  Rather 

than bulk consumption, building to a

blow-out on Fridays and Saturdays.

VINCENT

(Sarchastic)  What a genius.

JACK

The most important thing is to stay off

the Guinness.

SAIRA can't muster a word. 

VINCENT

Doctor, doctor, I feel at death's door.

Don't worry, I'll pull you through.

The One About Belief

EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  NIGHT.

Outside the Angel.  We're with LENA and BEN, 20s, as others around them stand about smoking: a prologue to their conversation in The One About The Voodoo Curse (Part 2).  They are smoking a joint, talking about darts.  As before, we catch a sign in the window which says 'Missing Suitcase - Reward.'

BEN

If we don't stop him, we'll never get back

in the game.  You do realise that, don't you?

LENA

Oh, don't worry.  You don't need to tell

me that.  What is it, three-one or three-

nil?  Have we won a game yet?

BEN

It's three-one,  that was the first game.

LENA

Well, it could be worse then.  (A moment)

What happened?  Did something happen?

BEN

We just lost our form, that's all.  What we

need is .. We have to be .. We have to 

believe.

LENA

Yes.  But the problem is .. I think it's one of

those nights.

BEN

But you're allowing yourself to .. you're

doubting yourself.  You always do that. 

LENA

What we really need is .. inspiration.  So

that, whatever they do, however good

they are, doesn't matter, any effort on

their part is futile.

BEN

We need to be focussed.  Not let anything

interfere with our concentration.

LENA

Yes.  Concentrate on the board.  (Passing

the joint to BEN) This might do it.

BEN

Inspiration, focus and ..

Silence, whilst BEN smokes.  LENA says nothing.  Her attention has been taken by an old lady standing some distance away watching the pub.  This is CRYSTAL, who stands waiting to see if there is anything happening, after casting a curse on the landlord. 

BEN

What was the other one?  Inspiration,

focus and ..?

LENA

(Coming back)  Inspiration, focus and ..

(Determined) Inspiration, focus and ..

I can't remember.

BEN

You just said it .. (He drops the joint on

the ground) .. Jesus, we can't even -

LENA

That's strange.

BEN

What is?

LENA

That old lady over there. 

The One About The Voodoo Curse (Part 2)

1.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  NIGHT.

We see CRYSTAL watching The Angel pub, in the Outer Piazza, from a distance - waiting to see if there will be any effect of the Voodoo curse she has placed on the pub's landlord. We see from her point of view two people outside having a smoke.  An ambulance, by the by, is parked nearby.

2.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  NIGHT.

We cut to the two people - LENA and BEN - outside The Angel.  Just catch a sign in the window behind them, which says 'Lost Suitcase - Last Wednesday - Call 07899 552133 - Reward.'

This scene, and those that follow - The One About Belief, Binge Drinkers, West is Best (Parts 1 & 2) and Roxanne - all happen pretty much simultaneously. The centre of focus is really CRYSTAL and the effect of her voodoo curse on the pub's landlord.

LENA, late 20s, was last seen talking with her mate MICHELLE in The One About Leap Year.  BEN, also in his 20s, is another friend.

LENA

Inspiration, focus and determination.

BEN

That's right.

LENA

That's what it was.  (A moment)  That's

strange.  (She has noticed an old woman

in a wedding dress, watching them)

BEN

What is?

LENA

That old lady standing over there.

LENA and BEN look at the old lady in the distance.  As they do so, a HOODIE rides past on a fluorescent green Kawasaki push-bike.

3.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  NIGHT.

It is some time later. We are back with CRYSTAL and her point of view of The Angel.  And then the door opens, and PARAMEDICS are seen bringing a person on a stretcher out of the pub, an oxygen mask strapped to his face. CRYSTAL freezes, complete shock on her face.  The PARAMEDICS rush out of shot to the waiting ambulance.

The One About The Chinese Herbalist

1.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  EVENING.

SIMON is at the counter of the Chinese Herbalist, talking to the CHINESE SALES ASSISTANT. Behind her are ranged hundreds of large jars on shelves, full of weird-looking stuff, each with a label, such as Herba Epimedii, Semen Coicis, Cinammon Twigs and Oyster Shell. Some of it looks like old leaves and twigs, some of it looks more like dead animals.  Elsewhere, a Silk Screen, a Dragon Wall Hanging and Lacquer Figurines. 

SIMON is sitting behind the screen being assessed by an OLD CHINESE MAN, speaking Chinese; an OLD CHINESE WOMAN, holding a clip-board and taking notes, interprets what he says.

OLD CHINESE WOMAN

He says, do you ever feel  (she stubs her

fingers into her hand) .. pin pricking in 

your hands and in your arms?  Or your -

SIMON

What's he saying, I'm having a coronary?

I have heart problems?

2.  INT.  THE CHINESE HERBALIST.  EVENING.

See SIMON in a back room being given acupuncture.

3.  INT.  THE CHINESE HERBALIST.  EVENING.

Back at the shop counter, the CHINESE SALES ASSISTANT is filling a large brown paper bag with herbs from one of the jars. It looks like toe-nail clippings mixed with sea-weed.  There is another brown paper bag already filled on the counter. 

SALES ASSISTANT

You must drink this two times a day.

After four weeks, you come back, and

I give you more?

SIMON

Four weeks?

SALES ASSISTANT

The full course is three months.

SIMON

Three months?! How much is that?

SALES ASSISTANT

Otherwise, the effect is .. not complete.

4.  INT.  THE CHINESE HERBALIST.  EVENING.

The CHINESE SALES ASSISTANT is adding up the bill.  She takes him through each item on the bill, handwritten in Chinese.

SALES ASSISTANT

45 pounds for the acupuncture, this

is for your back pain, yes.  Then it is 35

pounds for the herbs, for the first four

weeks of three months, this one (she taps

the first bag on the counter) and this 

one (she taps the second). This is 

for your blood, to make it thinner and 

for your heart to pump better, you 

understand yes? Plus VAT .. which is

altogether .. One hundred forty one.

SIMON

(Under his breath) Well if this doesn't cause

a heart failure, I don't know what will.

SALES ASSISTANT

One hundred forty one pounds.

SIMON gets out his wallet.

The One About The Voodoo Curse (Part 1)

1.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  EARLY EVENING.

Luigi's Cafe.  It's closed.  CRYSTAL is sitting at a table with LUIGI and his daughter ROSALINDA.  There is an open box on the table - a Voodoo kit - and a bottle of red wine. LUIGI is reading a leaflet, slowly.

LUIGI

"Your genuine Voodoo curse spell kit

contains a straw doll, a block of

Japanese cheddar, a hammer and -"

CRYSTAL

Cheddar?

LUIGI

Yes.

ROSALINDA

That's not cheddar.

ROSALINDA takes the leaflet from him and reads.

ROSALINDA

Cedar.  Japanese cedar .. (She carries 

on reading)  A hammer, a large nail,

and two candles.  (She paraphrases) 

Be careful not to hurt your finger with

the hammer .. use the candles with care.

(She reads) "You should be careful to

name the intended victim to ensure

your curse doesn't fall on an innocent

bystander."  Do you know his name,

Crystal?

CRYSTAL

Moose.

LUIGI

Moose?

CRYSTAL

Yes.  His name was Mister Moose.

2.  INT.  LUIGI'S CAFE.  EVENING.

LUIGI holds a large nail above the straw Voodoo doll. CRYSTAL, meanwhile, holds a hammer.  Her eyes are tight shut.  LUIGI watches her with some apprehension.

ROSALINDA

Crystal, you must keep your eyes open,

otherwise you won't be able to see what

you are doing. And the curse will be lost.

3.  INT.  LUIGI'S CAFE.  EVENING.

Close on the Voodoo doll, the nail poised, and then - WHACK! - it's struck by the hammer deep into the Voodoo doll's torso. See LUIGI's relief that CRYSTAL didn't miss.  Then, out of nowhere, CRYSTAL spits out with with surprising venom:

CRYSTAL

Let him be blasted with fire and lightning!

LUIGI and ROSALINDA look at each other: Crystal's going mad.

CRYSTAL

.. And laid before me!

The One About The Chechen Guerilla

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

We see CRYSTAL in The Upper Court, overlooking Central West. Crossing her path is a tall, large man in army camouflage.  She notices that the lace on one of his boots is loose.   Being the busybody that she is, she scuttles to catch up with him.

CRYSTAL

Excuse me.

The man - who looks like a CHECHEN REBEL - stops.

CRYSTAL

Your lace is loose.

The CHECHEN REBEL looks at her, and then looks down. He has a lugubrious manner.  He looks at his boots, and then looks at CRYSTAL.

CRYSTAL

Awful things can happen with that

sort of thing.  I know.  Believe me.

The CHECHEN REBEL looks at her, thinking, and decides not to kill her.

CRYSTAL

(Oblivious to the danger she is in)

Believe me dear, I know.

The lugubrious CHECHEN REBEL walks off. 

The One About The Internet Cafe

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

Sainsbury's.  The area of the supermarket near the entrance with cigarettes and tobacco, magazines and newspapers.  This scene follows The One About The Royals, and VERNON's discussion with CHANTRA about Basmati rice.  MICKY SHEPHERD, 40s, holding a placard which reads 'Internet - £1 - For 2 Hours,' with an arrow underneath, is next to be served by CHANTRA, late 30s.  MICKY, who featured in The One About The Banker, has dropped out of the rat-race and given up his high-flying career as a banker.  Since then, he may have become slightly unhinged.  Meanwhile, a big beefy Australian, HUNTER, is following the direction of the arrow.   We see him, confused, looking for an Internet Cafe, and asking the supermarket SECURITY OFFICER sitting at CCTV Monitoring Station No. 2 for help.

MICKY SHEPHERD

Big problems in the world markets at the

moment. 

CHANTRA

How can I help you, sir?

MICKY SHEPHERD

Vietnam, Cambodia, Egypt - they've all

banned the export of rice.  Lotto lucky

dip, please.  That causes a shortage and

prices go sky high.

CHANTRA

Anything else?

MICKY SHEPHERD

So there's increased demand on those

countries which are still open, and 

inflation in those countries which rely

on imports.  (A moment, in answer to

her question)  That's it. 

CHANTRA

One pound, please.

MICKY SHEPHERD

(Handing her the money)  Classic

domino effect.

At which point the big Australian, HUNTER, comes up to him.  He is clearly annoyed, having been unable to locate the Internet Cafe.

HUNTER

'Scuse me, fella.  (Indicating the sign)

Which way is it?  Where is it?  I can't

see it anywhere.

MICKY clearly has no idea of the impact of his sign.

The One About The Accident

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE - THE ANGEL. DAY.

A reverse angle to The One About The Veil.  The blind man, MILTON RADCLIFFE, is talking on his mobile.  A pint of bitter on the table in front of him, the guide dog at his feet. Elsewhere, CRYSTAL is being hounded by the Landlord for wearing a veil.  There are pauses between each line of dialogue, as he listens.

RADCLIFFE

Alright?

RADCLIFFE

What's up?

RADCLIFFE

You alright?

RADCLIFFE

What's happened?

RADCLIFFE

By the Horse and Hound?

RADCLIFFE

Jesus.  That's really bad.

RADCLIFFE

Don't worry about that.  Leave it

with me.  I'll sort it out.

RADCLIFFE

Listen, I know we didn't see eye to

eye.  But please tell his family how

sorry I am.  Yeah?

RADCLIFFE

No, course it's not.  Don't be soft.

MILTON RADCLIFFE finishes the call.  Puts the mobile down.  Sinks a large part of his pint as CRYSTAL is being escorted from the premises between security officers CONNOR and HAYLEY.  She turns to him as she passes.

CRYSTAL

Why don't you do something?  It's just ..

It's when people like you just stare, that's

what gets my goat.  People who are old

enough to know better.

CONNOR

(To CRYSTAL)  Can't you see he's blind?

CRYSTAL

That's no excuse.

RADCLIFFE

(To CONNOR)  What's her problem?

The One About The Egg

1.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

At the edge of the covered outer piazza, outside the main entrance to the shopping centre. Bollards.  An equestrian sculpture in bronze, a fountain, and some benches.  VERNON, the drugged-up son of LAILA and KEVIN who was last seen in The One About The Royals, with a bunch of mates.  Some of them sit on the bench, some are standing. Amongst them SHELLEY, early 20s, is talking to VERNON.  And an eight-year-old HOODIE, who rides around on a fluorescent-green Kawasaki push-bike.

We see SIMON, wearing a crisp new white shirt and jeans, walking past them towards the entrance.  He's staring at the arse on SHELLEY. VERNON clocks this and swiftly steps into SIMON's path.

VERNON

'Scuse me, mate.

But SIMON is walking on, not stopping.  He's been caught out.

VERNON

(Putting a hand on SIMON's upper

arm)  No trouble, no trouble.

SIMON

(Stopping)  What?

VERNON

Have you got 50p?

SIMON

No, sorry mate.

VERNON turns away in disappointment.  SIMON walks on, relieved it wasn't trouble.

2.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

A little later.  SIMON is at a cash-point in the outer piazza.  Tapping in his PIN number.  At that moment, something crashes in to the side of his head and ricochets against the wall.

SIMON

The fuck ..?

It takes a couple of seconds for him to realise what's happened.  He looks down and there is egg-yolk on his crisp white shirt.  He puts a hand up to his temple - he's been splattered - looks at his hand, and there is egg-shell on his fingers.  He turns around and looks.  He sees the eight-year-old HOODIE, laughing, as he rides away on his Kawasaki push-bike.

SIMON

Fucker.

He takes the money.  There is even egg-white on the screen of the cash machine.

SIMON

It's a new bloody shirt.

The One About The Veil

1.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE - THE ANGEL.  DAY.

The Angel Public House, which is in the main entrance way to Sunnyside in the covered open piazza.  It's mid-afternoon.  We see CRYSTAL, in her faded wedding dress, veil and trainers. She's with JOSEPH, who we last saw in The One About Crystal's Memory.  He has been as good as his word, and has bought her a drink - a Drambuie and Ginger - while he is sipping a pint of bitter, making it last.  They sit side by side on the bench against the wall, looking out, occasionally talking. The image is reminiscent of Toulouse Lautrec's L'Absinthe.  Nearby, the blind man -MILTON RADCLIFFE - is drinking a pint, his guide dog at his feet, talking on his mobile.  We last saw him in The One About The Royals.

JOSEPH

They showed me the inside of my brain.

All different colours it was.  All sorts

of colours.  Like a kaleidoscope.

CRYSTAL

I don't think I want to see the inside of

mine.  I'd be worried it was black and

white.  Or nothing at all.  Just white.

The Landlord, RONNIE THE MOOSE, comes up to them.  He leans in towards them, conspiratorial.

RONNIE

(To CRYSTAL)  I'm very sorry, madam.

There's no hats or hoods.

CRYSTAL

Pardon me?

RONNIE

No hats or hoods.

He points towards the doorway, where there are signs, including one which says 'No hats or hoods, for your safety and security.'

CRYSTAL

What are you telling me for?  I'm not

wearing a hat or a hood.

RONNIE

It's more the principal.  For security.

(He points towards the CCTV camera

in the ceiling).  Otherwise you can't

see their faces.

CRYSTAL

Who can't?  Whose faces?  What are

you talking about?

JOSEPH

He means the terrorists.  When they

come 'ere for a drink, they'll be caught

on camera.

CRYSTAL

But this is a veil ..

JOSEPH

'Bout the only place they will be caught. 

CRYSTAL

..  It's not a hat or a hood.

RONNIE

It's breaking the law.

CRYSTAL

I'm not taking it off.  And that's that.  This

is my wedding day, and there's only one

person I shall be lifting my veil for today,

and it's not you.  Good day.

2.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE - THE ANGEL.  DAY.

CRYSTAL is being escorted out of the pub by Security Officers CONNOR and HAYLEY, watched by the helpless JOSEPH.  She turns to MILTON RADCLIFFE as she passes him.

CRYSTAL

Why don't you do something?  You just ..

It's when people like you just stare,

that's what gets my goat.  People who are

old enough to know better.

CONNOR

(To CRYSTAL)  Can't you see, he's blind?

CRYSTAL

  That's no excuse.  (And then she turns

to RONNIE behind the bar)  You'll

regret this day, Mister Moose.  I'll be

back.  Heaven help you then.

The One About The Madonna

1.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

Pick up on AMADEUSZ, who we last saw watching the TV in The One About The Storm, pushing his cleaning trolley.  He is making his way towards the 50-foot metal monolith referred to in the first story, which is in the Central West Atrium.  It's a cross between the giant stone figures of Easter Island and a Henry Moore sculpture* - it has what looks like a kind of alien's head and elongated body holding a rounded form.  It is called Madonna And Child.

AMADEUSZ goes round the back of it.  In what is effectively the Madonna's calf muscle and Achilles heel - there is a door, with a sign:  Cleaner's Cupboard.  AMADEUSZ unlocks it and pushes his trolley inside.  He to closes the door behind him.  Darkness.

2.  INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

We see AMADEUSZ emerging through a hatchway into the head of the Madonna.  It's a small, confined space and dark, but for some limited light from the eye sockets.  It's not possible to fully stand up in.  He goes to the right eye and peeps out at the sprawling shopping centre below.

AMADEUSZ

I think it is good.  (He goes to look

out of the left eye)  No one sees any-

thing anyway.

AMADEUSZ lights two candles and places them in what appears to be a small shrine.  As the light grows we see that it contains a collection of plastic figures arranged around a cheap Christ.  They are free promotional toys from McDonalds for Shrek, Mister Men, The Simpsons, Bee Movie, The Spiderwick Chronicles and so on.

AMADEUSZ

(Talking to the toys)  As long as we

are careful, cover our tracks, we will

be safe.  Keep it under our hats, yes?

He picks up a photograph from the shrine.  It shows a hill overlooking a lake, bright yellow harvested wheat fields beside fields of lavender with thousands of butterflies.  He is lost in memories.

AMADEUSZ

I could not believe the yellowness of

the fields.  Or the blueness of the lake.

He puts the photograph back and picks up the figure of Shrek.  He presses a button on his chest.

SHREK

I'm an ogre!

* Henry Moore: Large Upright Internal/External Form, 1981-2

The One About England

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY. 

We are in a narrow corridor of the Lower Basement Service Area of Sunnyside Shopping Centre. HARRY (late 30s) and his supervisor KENNY (early 40s) in fluorescent jackets and hard hats are inspecting the cabling and trunking along the wall, which carries security, fire protection and lighting power.  A particular section has been ripped off its brackets, while the cabling appears to have been violently shorn through.  KENNY is kneeling down and peering at it closely, with the aid of a torch, while HARRY leans against the wall nearby. 

HARRY

Don't talk to me about England.

KENNY

It was only a friendly.

HARRY

Doesn't matter what it was.

KENNY

You must have been shouting yesterday.

HARRY

A goal is a goal.

KENNY

Or were you silent?

HARRY

They didn't have their big guns.  Thierry

Henry, Patrick Vieira, Abidal, Trezeguet.

And they still won.

KENNY

It was a penalty.

HARRY

Makes no difference.

KENNY

What's happening with football these days?

HARRY

My mate has been following Fulham, has

gone to every away game this season.  And

they haven't won a single match.  How can

you spend a grand to watch your team lose?

KENNY

That kind of money, you want a team that

wins.

HARRY

On top of that, you've got the rail fares.

And if you're going to Newcastle or 

Middlesbrough, right up top of England,

there's no way you can get back to London

the same night.  So that's a hotel ..  Over

night ..  Then you've got to go to the pub ..

And when there's eight or nine of you,

that's a tidy sum.

KENNY

It's a lot of money.

HARRY

(Singing, quietly)  "What's that coming over

the hill, is it a Drogba, is it a Drogba?"  I've

been to The Reebok, Anfield, Old Trafford,

The Valley, The New Den - Millwall's a dump -

The JJB, never been to Goodison.

KENNY

I'm sure I've seen you on the telly, being a

hooligan.

HARRY

I've also been to The Emirates, White

Hart Lane, Fratton Park ..

KENNY

(Finishing his inspection and getting up)

What are we going to do about this?

HARRY

Powers-that-be are going to have to be

told.  This is the third time, now.

The One About The Credit Crunch

1.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

Easter Day, outside the main entrance to Sunnyside, and MIRIAM is giving it another go.  As before, earlier in the day, PEOPLE walk on past, indifferent to what she has to say.

MIRIAM

Because verily I say unto you, my friends,

that you must waken from your slumber

and save yourselves.  Otherwise you will

face annihilation.  Save your souls, or face

death and destruction.  Look around you,

look at what is happening.  The financial

stability of the entire world is in jeopardy.

This turmoil is God's way of telling you

that your crusade is wrong and morally

unjust.  It is God's way of telling you that

you are corrupt ..

As before, Security Officers CONNOR and HAYLEY appear out of nowhere and approach MIRIAM.  She knows the routine, and speeds up to finish her sermon before they bundle her away.

MIRIAM

..  It is God's way of telling you that time is

running out.  The apocalypse is at hand!

Rise up, you children of Argos!  Rise up!

2.  EXT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

We see MIRIAM being escorted across the Plaza to a waiting police van by CONNOR and HAYLEY.

MIRIAM

What's going on?  What are you doing?

HAYLEY

You're being arrested, love.

MIRIAM

Get off me!  Arrested?  What for?

CONNOR

(Opening the rear door of the police

van)  Hah!

MIRIAM

What's that supposed to mean?

CONNOR

Where to start.  Criticising the State.

Blasphemy.  Subversion.  Incitement

to riot.  Take your pick, love.  

MIRIAM

You've got to be joking.

HAYLEY

(Pushing her into the van)  Do we

look like we're joking?

CONNOR slams the door shut behind her.  We hear MIRIAM thumping the inside of the door. CONNOR and HAYLEY piss themselves.  They are helpless.  CONNOR feebly knocks the van, to signal the driver to go, before collapsing in a heap on the ground.

The One About The War

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

It's Easter Day and Sunnyside is deserted.  There are a few PEOPLE wandering around, aimlessly. In the Central Concourse, MIRIAM (the self-styled preacher we last saw in The One About The Preacher) is holding forth for the benefit of anyone who will listen. But they pass by, ignoring her.  Except, that is, for MAEVE, who stands there, absorbed. 

MIRIAM

He has cast this war as a conflict between

good and evil, between right and wrong,

between Christianity and Islam.  He has

proclaimed this war to be noble, necessary

and just, because it is beyond reason or

justification.  He has called it a struggle

for civilisation.  He has said that unless 

we prevail, they will not leave us alone.

They will follow us, wherever we are,

and kill us.

Security Officers CONNOR and HAYLEY saunter over - it's a well-rehearsed routine - to stop her from speaking.

CONNOR

Come on, let's be having you, Miriam. 

MIRIAM

Wake from your slumber and save your-

selves!  On this day, of all days, when

Christ rose from the dead!

CONNOR and HAYLEY forcibly move MIRIAM on.  Watched by MAEVE.

The One About Shannon's Shoes

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

TRACEY (early 30s) is walking purposefully towards Sainsbury's in the Central Concourse.  A couple of paces ahead of her is her 12-year-old daughter SHANNON.  We saw TRACEY and SHANNON when they were nearly run over in The One About Ernie (Part 3). They pass Currys, and as they do so we fleetingly glimpse footage of the start of the Iraq War - the night-time 'Shock and Awe' bombardment of Baghdad - on the TV.

TRACEY

(Trying to talk to her daughter)

What, darlin?

SHANNON

(Mostly to herself)  I'm talking to

myself, actually.

TRACEY

What?

SHANNON

(Not turning round, walking on

ahead) I said, I was talking to

myself.

TRACEY

Shannon!  (She stops) Come back

'ere when I'm talking to you!

And then suddenly TRACEY realises that her daughter is wearing her shoes.

TRACEY

(Squawking)  You've got my

trainers on!

SHANNON

(Turning to face her mother)

'Cos mine don't fit!  I told you,

but you don't listen to me! 

TRACEY, furious, marches off.

SHANNON

Don't walk away from me!

The One About Last Night's Telly

Luigi's Cafe.  The TV is on with the sound off in the corner.  HARRY (late 30s) and his supervisor KENNY (early 40s) are having breakfast. Hard hats on the chairs beside them, newspapers open on the table, occasional conversation about a TV programme.  HARRY is reading the sport, KENNY is doing a Sudoku puzzle in the London Paper.  Just like The One About Kevin Keegan.

Meanwhile, as before, CRYSTAL sits quietly in the corner with a cup of tea, in her trademark faded wedding dress and veil pushed up, reading 'The Secrets of Solitary Witches - And How To Make Your Spells Work.'  LUIGI (50s, balding) is reading the newspaper behind the counter, whilst his daughter ROSALINDA (20) slaves away.

HARRY

.. The Government's got it wrong there.

They come over here, they're hard-

working.  They've no embarrassment

about working in Tesco.  That English

bloke wouldn't be seen dead working in

a factory.

KENNY

It's changed since I was a kid.  Nowadays

anyone can get a job.  It might be a crappy

job, but they don't want 'em.  You'd go out

and get a job, wouldn't you?  And it wasn't

always that easy, sometimes there was a 

shortage of them.

HARRY

The Lithuanians, the Slovakians, the Poles,

they want to work, they want the money.

You know where you are with them.

KENNY

Kids today just want to stay at home.  They

won't go out unless they're earning the

same as their mum and dad, who've been

working all their lives.

HARRY

(To LUIGI)  What do you think of the

Poles, Luigi?

LUIGI

(Looking up from his newspaper)  Uh?

The Poles?  (He shrugs)  Baffi grosso.

(He goes back to reading)

HARRY, after a moment, looks to ROSALINDA for enlightenment.

ROSALINDA

Big moustaches.  Not nice for kissing.

(A moment) And the older ones are

grumpy.

KENNY

Temperamental, you mean?  (A moment)

Unlike the Italians ..

The One About The Storm

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE.  DAY.

It's the morning and the place is relatively quiet.  AMADEUSZ, late 20s, a cleaning operative at Sunnyside, is watching the TV in Currys. He's not far from the entrance, and beside him is his janitorial trolley, with vinyl bag, bucket and wringer, duster and so on.  Catching the breakfast news on a 57-inch Toshiba LCD TV is part of his morning routine.  Keeping him company is his mate BERTRAM SHI, a Currys sales assistant, mid-20s.

On the TV, a woman REPORTER in so'wester is standing on the sea-front at Portsmouth Harbour in torrential wind and rain.  Her face is hardly visible whilst behind her, monster waves crash into the sea wall.

NEWS TV REPORTER

"Travellers faced delays and thousands

of people woke to find they were without

electricity this morning as the worst storm

of the winter batters Wales and southern

England.  The unusually intense storm

fronts came from Canada, hurtling across

the Atlantic at 200 miles an hour.  The

combination of gale force winds, low

pressure and a massive tidal surge has 

brought coastal flooding in many areas."

Cut to VT: we're up a hill somewhere, at a road junction and traffic lights.  Trees are swirling around in the winds and driving rain, the traffic lights are shaking.  On the junction, we can see a Nissan Micra which appears to be in two pieces.  The area has been cordoned off with police tape, and there are police, ambulance and fire brigade in attendance.  An American woman, GAYLE, in her early 60s, is being interviewed in the foreground as all this is going on behind her.

TV NEWS REPORT - GAYLE

"We were sitting there, waiting at the 

stop. We saw three trees being up-

rooted, we saw the power lines coming

down before our eyes, next thing we

know, the car's been clean cut in two,

 straight through the top and the hood

(she turns around to look at the scene

behind her)  like a cheese-wire through

Monterey Jack.  (A moment) I never

saw anything like it in my life."

BERTRAM

That's global warming, that is.

AMADEUSZ

That's Japanese engineering.

  

The One About Mike Read

INT.  SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE .  DAY.

Sainsburys.  A companion scene to The One About The Royals. DOLLY, who is in her mid-60s, is nattering away to LORRAINE (30s), who works behind the cigarettes counter near the entrance. She is serving a customer, TRACEY (early 30s), who has her 12-year-old daughter SHANNON in tow and is, as ever, on her mobile.  We last saw TRACEY and SHANNON in The One About Ernie (Part 3). LORRAINE is listening to DOLLY. 

DOLLY

D'you remember that fella, Mike Read?

LORRAINE

The one in Eastenders?

DOLLY

Eh?  Oh, no.  He died, didn't he?

LORRAINE

Peggy's husband?  Did he?  That's

a shame.  (A moment)  I don't really

watch it anymore.  Still, you've got

move on eventually, haven't you?

DOLLY

In real life, dear.  I believe he died

in real life.  I remember reading 

about it in the paper.

LORRAINE

Oh.  (She crosses herself)  Bless him.

He was terrific in that part.  (A

moment)  Frank Butcher, that was it.

DOLLY

The one who was the DJ.  Did a TV

show called Saturday Superstore.

LORRAINE

Oh yes.  Tinted glasses.  The boring one.

DOLLY

That's him.  (A moment)  He was driving

our taxi last week.

LORRAINE

Get away.

DOLLY

Telling us all about his life, he was.  When

we got home, Barry'd got all the shopping

in and had lunch on the table by the time

I'd got shot of him.

LORRAINE

What was he doing driving your taxi?

DOLLY

That's what he's doing now.  Said he'd had

enough of it all.  The glitz, the glamour, the

showbiz.  Meant nothing anymore, he said.

A new beginning, he called it.

LORRAINE

Oh.

DOLLY

People are queer, aren't they?

At this point, DOLLY's husband BARRY (late 60s) comes up, and picks up the carrier bags of shopping at his wife's feet.  Weekly routine.

DOLLY

(To BARRY)  Who is it this week, dear?  

BARRY winks at his wife.

DOLLY

(To LORRAINE)  Oh, I like a surprise.

(She smiles)  Bye bye, dear.

DOLLY and BARRY go.