Sunnyside

The One About The Heist

2008-09-26T21:22:00.003Z

1. INT. THE ANGEL. NIGHT.

Much later. It's nearly closing time. SIMON is at the bar, drinking, plastered. Clearly, he hasn't made any progress whatsoever with ROSANNE. He's about to make a play, when suddenly TWO MEN burst into the pub, wearing balaclavas and wielding baseball bats. They are shouting. One of them, FIRST BALACLAVA MAN, whacks SIMON hard. He crashes to the floor. Meanwhile, SECOND BALACLAVA MAN is screaming at ROXANNE as he clears the bar-top of glasses with his baseball bat. ROXANNE screams. Glasses go flying and there is shattering glass everywhere. Everything happens quickly and simultaneously.

FIRST BALACLAVA MAN

Everybody get down on the floor!

SECOND BALACLAVA MAN

(To ROXANNE) Open the fucking till!

The few remaining CUSTOMERS in the pub are too stunned to do anything.

FIRST BALACLAVA MAN

I said everybody get down on the floor!

SECOND BALACLAVA MAN

(To ROXANNE) Say one word and I'll

kill you!

ROXANNE, petrified, opens the till. SECOND BALACLAVA MAN quickly grabs the till tray and pours the contents into a bag as CUSTOMERS get down on the floor.

Cut to:

2. INT. THE ANGEL. NIGHT.

The Ladies Toilet of The Angel. CUSTOMERS caught up in the robbery lie on the floor. Close in on ROSANNE and SIMON amongst them.

SIMON

(Whispering to ROXANNE) Hi.

ROXANNE

(Whispering) Hi.

SIMON

You okay?

ROXANNE

Not really.

SIMON

Nor me.

ROXANNE

That'll teach you.

To be continued ...

The One About Kevin Keegan (Part 2)

2008-09-04T20:06:00.006Z

1. INT. THE ANGEL. NIGHT.

HARRY (late 30s), and his mate KENNY (early 40s) are having a drink at the bar. We last saw them in The One About England. Nearby are SIMON and CARL, behaving like schoolboys as they ogle ROSANNE, and JACK - from The One About The Binge Drinkers a little earlier - who has bumped into someone who knows him.

KENNY

He didn't have any control, that was the

problem. The moment they brought in

Dennis Wise it all went Pete Tong. He

had no role in picking the players.

HARRY

Playing Joey Barton against Arsenal

wasn't the brightest of moves. I never

really understood what it was about

King Kev, to be honest. I know the fans

loved him but .. he was bollocks, really.

KENNY

(Not listening to a word Harry's saying)

It's the continental way of doing things.

Cut to:

2. INT. THE ANGEL. NIGHT.

SIMON and CARL, a bottle of wine between them, are both fairly pissed.

SIMON

When we leave, we will both say goodbye,

right. And she will look at me, she will

ignore you completely, and she will say

goodbye to me. And not to you.

CARL

Twat.

SIMON

Twenty quid.

CARL

I can't drink wine in pubs. It's not right.

SIMON

Mate, that's our second bottle.

CARL

It's taken me a while for it to dawn.

Cut to:

3. INT. THE ANGEL. NIGHT.

JACK is talking to LENA, who we saw last playing darts in The One About Belief.

JACK

(Trying to impress) I went to see the doctor

today about my lifestyle. I was so hung-

over, I forgot to mention my coke habit.

LENA

You don't remember me, do you?

JACK

If I'm being totally honest, and please ..

'cos it's better to be honest, I think. I

can't quite .. No, I haven't got the foggiest.

Cut to:

4. EXT. THE ANGEL. NIGHT.

Later. SIMON and CARL outside the pub. In the background, catch sight of a HOODIE riding a fluorescent-green Kawasaki push-bike.

CARL

That was bollocks, that was so nothing,

that was neither of us. That was like we

didn't fucking exist.

SIMON

Bullshit, you maybe. I'm going back in.

CARL

You what?

West Is Best (Part 2)

2008-08-31T16:02:00.006Z

1. INT. THE ANGEL. NIGHT.

We're back with JOSEPH and LENNY, picking up from West Is Best. LENNY has a fresh pint on the table in front of him. He's looking around, taking everything in. JOSEPH is returning to the table with a pint from the bar, bringing his saline drip along beside him on its wheels. LENNY really is an arsehole, making him do that. Not only that. Their previous conversation - that they no longer really know each other any more - he has absolutely no intention whatsoever of letting drop.

LENNY

We go back a long way, I'll grant

you that. But there's a lot in

between that you don't know.

JOSEPH puts his pint down on the table. He's studiously trying to ignore LENNY, but he just can't stop himself.

JOSEPH

Is that it, then? Is that all the

thanks I get? That's charming -

And then at that very moment, just as he's about to sit down, JOSEPH's legs go beneath him. He buckles and goes down fast and hard, just in front of his lifelong friend, who tries to catch him as he goes. But LENNY's reactions aren't nearly fast enough. JOSEPH catches his head on the side of the table as he goes, and the saline drip and chair go flying.

2. INT. THE ANGEL. NIGHT.

JOSEPH is on the floor, unconscious, as LENNY kneels beside him. With them is ROXANNE, who works behind the bar, and SAIRA, a nurse, who features in The One About The Binge Drinkers.

3. INT. THE ANGEL. NIGHT.

JOSEPH is half-conscious now, but very white. Delirious, and in considerable pain. He sees, but doesn't see. SAIRA is holding his hand.

JOSEPH

You've got to hold on to me, Lenny.

I'm keeling over, you've got to hold

on to me.

SAIRA

It's alright, you've had a fall.

JOSEPH

If I go over, I'll not get back up. You

need to hold on to me, Lenny, you

understand? If I go, I'll have to take

you with me. You mark my words.

(An outburst, very angry) Pull me up,

Lenny, for Christ's sake pull me up!

LENNY looks helplessly at SAIRA. He doesn't know what to do.

4. INT. THE ANGEL. NIGHT.

Two PARAMEDICS are strapping JOSEPH on to a stretcher, wrapped in a blanket, a heart monitor beside him. He has an oxygen mask on his face and is as white as a sheet.

5. EXT. THE ANGEL. NIGHT.

The two PARAMEDICS wheel JOSEPH quickly out of the pub, towards the waiting ambulance. As they do so, they pass an old lady in a faded wedding dress who has been hanging around outside. This is CRYSTAL. As she realises that it is JOSEPH, her hand goes to her mouth; there is a look of absolute horror on her face.

The One About Roxanne

2008-08-30T13:57:00.005Z

1. INT. THE ANGEL. NIGHT.

The Angel, as before. SIMON, who we last saw in The One About The Chinese Herbalist, is drinking at the bar with his mate CARL, who is in his early 30s. They are both watching ROXANNE, early 20s, stunning, who is serving behind the bar. They don't say a word. And then ROXANNE throws them both a gorgeous smile. They're so shocked they nearly choke on their beer - until they realise it's not them, it wasn't meant for them as a tall, handsome MAN comes up to the bar.

ROXANNE

Hello handsome, how are you?

(She kisses him, leaning across

the bar) Glad you haven't got

your shorts on tonight.

CARL

(To SIMON, off ROXANNE) Shall

we go somewhere else?

2. INT. THE ANGEL. NIGHT.

With SIMON and CARL at the bar a little later. During the scene, SIMON is watching ROXANNE opening a bottle of wine with a lever-operated opener fixed to the bar, while CARL has his back to her. She's very conscious of the effect she's having on some of the customers.

CARL

She's a good friend, and she'd just split

up with her boyfriend a couple of months

ago, and she's telling me how desperately

she wants to have sex. She's complaining

that there isn't anyone, she doesn't know

anyone who can give her a good shag. And

I'm thinking, 'I can think of someone, what

about ...?' (He indicates himself) I'm

talking to her, I'm the only one there, I'm

in front of her, and I'm struggling to get

anywhere near her, I'm not in her field of

vision at all.

SIMON

If you can't get in there when she's

desperate for it, what hope is there?

CARL

Cheers mate.

SIMON

Well, it's tragic, isn't it? (ROXANNE)

You missed that.

CARL

What?

SIMON

She just opened a bottle of wine.

CARL

Shit.

SIMON

She put her foot up, against the side.

CARL

(A moment) Shall we order one?

West Is Best

2008-07-13T12:26:00.006Z

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. NIGHT.

The Angel. In a corner we see JOSEPH, who is hooked up to a saline drip, on wheels. We last saw JOSEPH having a drink in The Angel with CRYSTAL in The One About The Veil. His health has evidently taken a turn for the worse. With him is his old friend LENNY, who is in his early 60s and is from Wales. Elsewhere, we see some people playing darts and, glimpsed in another room, a pool table.

LENNY

What did you bring me here for?

JOSEPH

Why, what's wrong with it?

LENNY

I was just wondering why we came here,

in particular.

JOSEPH

It's my local. It's where I drink.

LENNY

You don't fancy something different?

JOSEPH

No. I don't.

LENNY

A change of scenery.

JOSEPH

What are you driving at, Lenny?

LENNY

Well .. (He looks around the pub)

JOSEPH

Go on, spit it out.

LENNY

Given that I've come all this way, I

thought we could go up west.

JOSEPH

I hate it up west.

LENNY

No you don't.

JOSEPH

Yes I do.

LENNY

You used to love it up there. We'd

have some great times.

JOSEPH

(A flash of anger) Don't do that, Lenny.

Everyone does that and I fucking hate it.

LENNY

Where I come from, there's nothing to do.

It's enough to drive you up the wall, yeah?

I've travelled a long way to see my old

friend. I thought I'd not make it in time, if

I'm perfectly honest with you. But you

came back .. from the brink. Quite

unexpectedly, I'll have you know. They'd

given up on you. They were calling it a day.

JOSEPH

That's what they do. There's nothing

unexpected in that.

LENNY

They didn't think you had the strength.

They thought you'd given up the ghost.

JOSEPH

It's character. Character that pulls you

through those situations.

LENNY

And God.

JOSEPH

God has nothing to do with it.

LENNY

I'd be long gone if I didn't have God on

my side. I mean that, Joseph.

JOSEPH

You're either talking shit like that to get a

reaction. Or you're not the Lenny I knew.

(He takes a slug of beer)

The One About The Binge Drinkers

2008-07-12T14:04:00.007Z

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. NIGHT.

The Angel. JACK and his girlfriend SHIRLEY are drinking with their mates VINCENT and his girlfriend SAIRA. They are in their mid to late 20s and are drinking Stella - except for SAIRA, who has a Coke. They were all of them out the night before and are deeply hungover, particularly SAIRA.

JACK

Not the ideal day for a visit to the doctor,

considering ..

SHIRLEY

Anyone could have told you that. If you

ask me, I think you did it on purpose. You

think it's clever, you think it's funny.

JACK

(Ignoring her) He said if you're going to

drink, it's better to -

SHIRLEY

He's got to stop this bingeing.

JACK

It's better to drink weak lager and spread

it more thinly. Were his words. Rather

than bulk consumption, building to a

blow-out on Fridays and Saturdays.

VINCENT

(Sarchastic) What a genius.

JACK

The most important thing is to stay off

the Guinness.

SAIRA can't muster a word.

VINCENT

Doctor, doctor, I feel at death's door.

Don't worry, I'll pull you through.

The One About Belief

2008-06-28T21:14:00.007Z

EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. NIGHT.

Outside the Angel. We're with LENA and BEN, 20s, as others around them stand about smoking: a prologue to their conversation in The One About The Voodoo Curse (Part 2). They are smoking a joint, talking about darts. As before, we catch a sign in the window which says 'Missing Suitcase - Reward.'

BEN

If we don't stop him, we'll never get back

in the game. You do realise that, don't you?

LENA

Oh, don't worry. You don't need to tell

me that. What is it, three-one or three-

nil? Have we won a game yet?

BEN

It's three-one, that was the first game.

LENA

Well, it could be worse then. (A moment)

What happened? Did something happen?

BEN

We just lost our form, that's all. What we

need is .. We have to be .. We have to

believe.

LENA

Yes. But the problem is .. I think it's one of

those nights.

BEN

But you're allowing yourself to .. you're

doubting yourself. You always do that.

LENA

What we really need is .. inspiration. So

that, whatever they do, however good

they are, doesn't matter, any effort on

their part is futile.

BEN

We need to be focussed. Not let anything

interfere with our concentration.

LENA

Yes. Concentrate on the board. (Passing

the joint to BEN) This might do it.

BEN

Inspiration, focus and ..

Silence, whilst BEN smokes. LENA says nothing. Her attention has been taken by an old lady standing some distance away watching the pub. This is CRYSTAL, who stands waiting to see if there is anything happening, after casting a curse on the landlord.

BEN

What was the other one? Inspiration,

focus and ..?

LENA

(Coming back) Inspiration, focus and ..

(Determined) Inspiration, focus and ..

I can't remember.

BEN

You just said it .. (He drops the joint on

the ground) .. Jesus, we can't even -

LENA

That's strange.

BEN

What is?

LENA

That old lady over there.

The One About The Voodoo Curse (Part 2)

2008-06-01T07:45:00.010Z

1. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. NIGHT.

We see CRYSTAL watching The Angel pub, in the Outer Piazza, from a distance - waiting to see if there will be any effect of the Voodoo curse she has placed on the pub's landlord. We see from her point of view two people outside having a smoke. An ambulance, by the by, is parked nearby.

2. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. NIGHT.

We cut to the two people - LENA and BEN - outside The Angel. Just catch a sign in the window behind them, which says 'Lost Suitcase - Last Wednesday - Call 07899 552133 - Reward.'

LENA, late 20s, attractive, was last seen talking with her mate MICHELLE in The One About Leap Year. BEN, also in his 20s, is another friend.

LENA

Inspiration, focus and determination.

BEN

That's right.

LENA

That's what it was. (A moment) That's

strange. (She has noticed an old woman

in a wedding dress, watching them)

BEN

What is?

LENA

That old lady standing over there.

LENA and BEN look at the old lady in the distance. As they do so, a HOODIE rides past on a fluorescent green Kawasaki push-bike.

3. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. NIGHT.

We are back with CRYSTAL and her point of view of The Angel. And then the door opens, and PARAMEDICS are seen bringing a person on a stretcher out of the pub, an oxygen mask strapped to his face. CRYSTAL freezes, complete shock on her face. The PARAMEDICS rush out of shot to the waiting ambulance.

The One About The Chinese Herbalist

2008-05-31T16:40:00.010Z

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. EVENING.

SIMON is at the counter of the Chinese Herbalist, talking to the CHINESE SALES ASSISTANT. Behind her are ranged hundreds of large jars on shelves, full of weird-looking stuff, each with a label, such as Herba Epimedii, Semen Coicis, Cinammon Twigs and Oyster Shell. Some of it looks like old leaves and twigs, some of it looks more like dead animals. Elsewhere, a Silk Screen, a Dragon Wall Hanging and Lacquer Figurines.

SIMON

In the window it says Herbal Viagra?

SALES ASSISTANT

Yes. You want free consultation, yes?

SIMON

Um .. Just idle curiosity more than ..

2. INT. THE CHINESE HERBALIST. EVENING.

SIMON is sitting behind the screen being assessed by an OLD CHINESE MAN, speaking Chinese; an OLD CHINESE WOMAN, holding a clip-board and taking notes, interprets what he says.

OLD CHINESE WOMAN

He says, do you ever feel (she stubs her

fingers into her hand) .. pin pricking in

your hands and in your arms? Or your -

SIMON

What's he saying, I'm having a coronary?

3. INT. THE CHINESE HERBALIST. EVENING.

See SIMON in a back room being given acupuncture.

4. INT. THE CHINESE HERBALIST. EVENING.

The CHINESE SALES ASSISTANT is filling a large brown paper bag with herbs from one of the jars. It looks like toe-nail clippings mixed with sea-weed. There is another brown paper bag already filled on the counter.

SALES ASSISTANT

You must drink this two times a day.

After four weeks, you come back, and

I give you more?

SIMON

Four weeks?

SALES ASSISTANT

The full course is three months.

SIMON

Three months?!

SALES ASSISTANT

Otherwise, the effect is .. not good.

5. INT. THE CHINESE HERBALIST. EVENING.

The CHINESE SALES ASSISTANT is adding up the bill. She takes him through each item on the bill, handwritten in Chinese.

SALES ASSISTANT

45 pounds for the acupuncture, 35 for

the herbs, for the first four weeks of

three months, plus VAT .. which is

altogether .. One hundred forty one.

SIMON

What?!

SALES ASSISTANT

One hundred forty one pounds.

SIMON is in shock.

The One About The Voodoo Curse (Part 1)

2008-05-25T22:18:00.009Z

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. EARLY EVENING.

Luigi's Cafe. It's closed. CRYSTAL is sitting at a table with LUIGI and his daughter ROSALINDA. There is an open box on the table - a Voodoo kit - and a bottle of red wine. LUIGI is reading a leaflet, slowly.

LUIGI

"Your genuine Voodoo curse spell kit

contains a straw doll, a block of

Japanese cheddar, a hammer and -"

CRYSTAL

Cheddar?

LUIGI

Yes.

ROSALINDA

That's not cheddar.

ROSALINDA takes the leaflet from him and reads.

ROSALINDA

Cedar. Japanese cedar .. (She carries

on reading) A hammer, a large nail,

and two candles. (She paraphrases)

Be careful not to hurt your finger with

the hammer .. use the candles with care.

(She reads) "You should be careful to

name the intended victim to ensure

your curse doesn't fall on an innocent

bystander." Do you know his name,

Crystal?

CRYSTAL

Moose.

LUIGI

Moose?

CRYSTAL

Yes. His name was Mister Moose.

2. INT. LUIGI'S CAFE. EVENING.

LUIGI holds a large nail above the straw Voodoo doll. CRYSTAL, meanwhile, holds a hammer. Her eyes are tight shut. LUIGI watches her with some apprehension.

ROSALINDA

Crystal, you must keep your eyes open,

otherwise you won't be able to see what

you are doing. And the curse will be lost.

3. INT. LUIGI'S CAFE. EVENING.

Close on the Voodoo doll, the nail poised, and then - WHACK! - it's struck by the hammer deep into the Voodoo doll's torso. See LUIGI's relief that CRYSTAL didn't miss. Then, out of nowhere, CRYSTAL spits out with with surprising venom:

CRYSTAL

Let him be blasted with fire and lightning!

LUIGI and ROSALINDA look at each other: Crystal's going mad.

CRYSTAL

.. And laid before me!

The One About The Chechen Guerilla

2008-05-17T21:19:00.011Z

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

We see CRYSTAL in The Upper Court, overlooking Central West. Crossing her path is a tall, large man in army camouflage. She notices that the lace on one of his boots is loose. Being the busybody that she is, she scuttles to catch up with him.

CRYSTAL

Excuse me.

The man - who looks like a CHECHEN REBEL - stops.

CRYSTAL

Your lace is loose.

The CHECHEN REBEL looks at her, and then looks down. He has a lugubrious manner. He looks at his boots, and then looks at CRYSTAL.

CRYSTAL

Awful things can happen with that

sort of thing. I know. Believe me.

The CHECHEN REBEL looks at her, thinking, and decides not to kill her.

CRYSTAL

(Oblivious to the danger she is in)

Believe me dear, I know.

The lugubrious CHECHEN REBEL walks off.

The One About The Internet Cafe

2008-05-11T06:39:00.009Z

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

Sainsbury's. The area of the supermarket near the entrance with cigarettes and tobacco, magazines and newspapers. This scene follows The One About The Royals, and VERNON's discussion with CHANTRA about Basmati rice. MICKY SHEPHERD, 40s, holding a placard which reads 'Internet - £1 - For 2 Hours,' with an arrow underneath, is next to be served by CHANTRA, late 30s. MICKY, who featured in The One About The Banker, has dropped out of the rat-race and given up his high-flying career as a banker. Since then, he may have become slightly unhinged. Meanwhile, a big beefy Australian, HUNTER, is following the direction of the arrow. We see him, confused, looking for an Internet Cafe, and asking the supermarket SECURITY OFFICER sitting at CCTV Monitoring Station No. 2 for help.

MICKY SHEPHERD

Big problems in the world markets at the

moment.

CHANTRA

How can I help you, sir?

MICKY SHEPHERD

Vietnam, Cambodia, Egypt - they've all

banned the export of rice. Lotto lucky

dip, please. That causes a shortage and

prices go sky high.

CHANTRA

Anything else?

MICKY SHEPHERD

So there's increased demand on those

countries which are still open, and

inflation in those countries which rely

on imports. (A moment, in answer to

her question) That's it.

CHANTRA

One pound, please.

MICKY SHEPHERD

(Handing her the money) Classic

domino effect.

At which point the big Australian, HUNTER, comes up to him. He is clearly annoyed, having been unable to locate the Internet Cafe.

HUNTER

'Scuse me, fella. (Indicating the sign)

Which way is it? Where is it? I can't

see it anywhere.

MICKY clearly has no idea of the impact of his sign.

The One About The Accident

2008-05-05T18:51:00.006Z

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE - THE ANGEL. DAY.

A reverse angle to The One About The Veil. The blind man, MILTON RADCLIFFE, is talking on his mobile. A pint of bitter on the table in front of him, the guide dog at his feet. Elsewhere, CRYSTAL is being hounded by the Landlord for wearing a veil. There are pauses between each line of dialogue, as he listens.

RADCLIFFE

Alright?

RADCLIFFE

What's up?

RADCLIFFE

You alright?

RADCLIFFE

What's happened?

RADCLIFFE

By the Horse and Hound?

RADCLIFFE

Jesus. That's really bad.

RADCLIFFE

Don't worry about that. Leave it

with me. I'll sort it out.

RADCLIFFE

Listen, I know we didn't see eye to

eye. But please tell his family how

sorry I am. Yeah?

RADCLIFFE

No, course it's not. Don't be soft.

MILTON RADCLIFFE finishes the call. Puts the mobile down. Sinks a large part of his pint as CRYSTAL is being escorted from the premises between security officers CONNOR and HAYLEY. She turns to him as she passes.

CRYSTAL

Why don't you do something? It's just ..

It's when people like you just stare, that's

what gets my goat. People who are old

enough to know better.

CONNOR

(To CRYSTAL) Can't you see he's blind?

CRYSTAL

That's no excuse.

RADCLIFFE

(To CONNOR) What's her problem?

The One About The Egg

2008-05-04T09:40:00.004Z

1. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

At the edge of the covered outer piazza, outside the main entrance to the shopping centre. Bollards. An equestrian sculpture in bronze, a fountain, and some benches. VERNON, the drugged-up son of LAILA and KEVIN who was last seen in The One About The Royals, with a bunch of mates. Some of them sit on the bench, some are standing. Amongst them SHELLEY, early 20s, is talking to VERNON. And an eight-year-old HOODIE, who rides around on a fluorescent-green Kawasaki push-bike.

We see SIMON, wearing a crisp new white shirt and jeans, walking past them towards the entrance. He's staring at the arse on SHELLEY. VERNON clocks this and swiftly steps into SIMON's path.

VERNON

'Scuse me, mate.

But SIMON is walking on, not stopping. He's been caught out.

VERNON

(Putting a hand on SIMON's upper

arm) No trouble, no trouble.

SIMON

(Stopping) What?

VERNON

Have you got 50p?

SIMON

No, sorry mate.

VERNON turns away in disappointment. SIMON walks on, relieved it wasn't trouble.

2. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

A little later. SIMON is at a cash-point in the outer piazza. Tapping in his PIN number. At that moment, something crashes in to the side of his head and ricochets against the wall.

SIMON

The fuck ..?

It takes a couple of seconds for him to realise what's happened. He looks down and there is egg-yolk on his crisp white shirt. He puts a hand up to his temple - he's been splattered - looks at his hand, and there is egg-shell on his fingers. He turns around and looks. He sees the eight-year-old HOODIE, laughing, as he rides away on his Kawasaki push-bike.

SIMON

Fucker.

He takes the money. There is even egg-white on the screen of the cash machine.

SIMON

It's a new bloody shirt.

The One About The Veil

2008-04-26T16:12:00.011Z

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE - THE ANGEL. DAY.

The Angel Public House, which is in the main entrance way to Sunnyside in the covered open piazza. It's mid-afternoon. We see CRYSTAL, in her faded wedding dress, veil and trainers. She's with JOSEPH, who we last saw in The One About Crystal's Memory. He has been as good as his word, and has bought her a drink - a Drambuie and Ginger - while he is sipping a pint of bitter, making it last. They sit side by side on the bench against the wall, looking out, occasionally talking. The image is reminiscent of Toulouse Lautrec's L'Absinthe. Nearby, the blind man -MILTON RADCLIFFE - is drinking a pint, his guide dog at his feet, talking on his mobile. We last saw him in The One About The Royals.

JOSEPH

They showed me the inside of my brain.

All different colours it was. All sorts

of colours. Like a kaleidoscope.

CRYSTAL

I don't think I want to see the inside of

mine. I'd be worried it was black and

white. Or nothing at all. Just white.

The Landlord, RONNIE THE MOOSE, comes up to them. He leans in towards them, conspiratorial.

RONNIE

(To CRYSTAL) I'm very sorry, madam.

There's no hats or hoods.

CRYSTAL

Pardon me?

RONNIE

No hats or hoods.

He points towards the doorway, where there are signs, including one which says 'No hats or hoods, for your safety and security.'

CRYSTAL

What are you telling me for? I'm not

wearing a hat or a hood.

RONNIE

It's more the principal. For security.

(He points towards the CCTV camera

in the ceiling). Otherwise you can't

see their faces.

CRYSTAL

Who can't? Whose faces? What are

you talking about?

JOSEPH

He means the terrorists. When they

come 'ere for a drink, they'll be caught

on camera.

CRYSTAL

But this is a veil ..

JOSEPH

'Bout the only place they will be caught.

CRYSTAL

.. It's not a hat or a hood.

RONNIE

It's breaking the law.

CRYSTAL

I'm not taking it off. And that's that. This

is my wedding day, and there's only one

person I shall be lifting my veil for today,

and it's not you. Good day.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE - THE ANGEL. DAY.

CRYSTAL is being escorted out of the pub by Security Officers CONNOR and HAYLEY, watched by the helpless JOSEPH. She turns to MILTON RADCLIFFE as she passes him.

CRYSTAL

Why don't you do something? You just ..

It's when people like you just stare,

that's what gets my goat. People who are

old enough to know better.

CONNOR

(To CRYSTAL) Can't you see, he's blind?

CRYSTAL

That's no excuse. (And then she turns

to RONNIE behind the bar) You'll

regret this day, Mister Moose. I'll be

back. Heaven help you then.

The One About The Madonna

2008-04-20T07:07:00.007Z

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

Pick up on AMADEUSZ, who we last saw watching the TV in The One About The Storm, pushing his cleaning trolley. He is making his way towards the 50-foot metal monolith referred to in the first story, which is in the Central West Atrium. It's a cross between the giant stone figures of Easter Island and a Henry Moore sculpture* - it has what looks like a kind of alien's head and elongated body holding a rounded form. It is called Madonna And Child.

AMADEUSZ goes round the back of it. In what is effectively the Madonna's calf muscle and Achilles heel - there is a door, with a sign: Cleaner's Cupboard. AMADEUSZ unlocks it and pushes his trolley inside. He to closes the door behind him. Darkness.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

We see AMADEUSZ emerging through a hatchway into the head of the Madonna. It's a small, confined space and dark, but for some limited light from the eye sockets. It's not possible to fully stand up in. He goes to the right eye and peeps out at the sprawling shopping centre below.

AMADEUSZ

I think it is good. (He goes to look

out of the left eye) No one sees any-

thing anyway.

AMADEUSZ lights two candles and places them in what appears to be a small shrine. As the light grows we see that it contains a collection of plastic figures arranged around a cheap Christ. They are free promotional toys from McDonalds for Shrek, Mister Men, The Simpsons, Bee Movie, The Spiderwick Chronicles and so on.

AMADEUSZ

(Talking to the toys) As long as we

are careful, cover our tracks, we will

be safe. Keep it under our hats, yes?

He picks up a photograph from the shrine. It shows a hill overlooking a lake, bright yellow harvested wheat fields beside fields of lavender with thousands of butterflies. He is lost in memories.

AMADEUSZ

I could not believe the yellowness of

the fields. Or the blueness of the lake.

He puts the photograph back and picks up the figure of Shrek. He presses a button on his chest.

SHREK

I'm an ogre!

* Henry Moore: Large Upright Internal/External Form, 1981-2

The One About England

2008-03-27T21:35:00.010Z

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

We are in a narrow corridor of the Lower Basement Service Area of Sunnyside Shopping Centre. HARRY (late 30s) and his supervisor KENNY (early 40s) in fluorescent jackets and hard hats are inspecting the cabling and trunking along the wall, which carries security, fire protection and lighting power. A particular section has been ripped off its brackets, while the cabling appears to have been violently shorn through. KENNY is kneeling down and peering at it closely, with the aid of a torch, while HARRY leans against the wall nearby.

HARRY

Don't talk to me about England.

KENNY

It was only a friendly.

HARRY

Doesn't matter what it was.

KENNY

You must have been shouting yesterday.

HARRY

A goal is a goal.

KENNY

Or were you silent?

HARRY

They didn't have their big guns. Thierry

Henry, Patrick Vieira, Abidal, Trezeguet.

And they still won.

KENNY

It was a penalty.

HARRY

Makes no difference.

KENNY

What's happening with football these days?

HARRY

My mate has been following Fulham, has

gone to every away game this season. And

they haven't won a single match. How can

you spend a grand to watch your team lose?

KENNY

That kind of money, you want a team that

wins.

HARRY

On top of that, you've got the rail fares.

And if you're going to Newcastle or

Middlesbrough, right up top of England,

there's no way you can get back to London

the same night. So that's a hotel .. Over

night .. Then you've got to go to the pub ..

And when there's eight or nine of you,

that's a tidy sum.

KENNY

It's a lot of money.

HARRY

(Singing, quietly) "What's that coming over

the hill, is it a Drogba, is it a Drogba?" I've

been to The Reebok, Anfield, Old Trafford,

The Valley, The New Den - Millwall's a dump -

The JJB, never been to Goodison.

KENNY

I'm sure I've seen you on the telly, being a

hooligan.

HARRY

I've also been to The Emirates, White

Hart Lane, Fratton Park ..

KENNY

(Finishing his inspection and getting up)

What are we going to do about this?

HARRY

Powers-that-be are going to have to be

told. This is the third time, now.

The One About The Credit Crunch

2008-03-23T23:21:00.007Z

1. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

Easter Day, outside the main entrance to Sunnyside, and MIRIAM is giving it another go. As before, earlier in the day, PEOPLE walk on past, indifferent to what she has to say.

MIRIAM

Because verily I say unto you, my friends,

that you must waken from your slumber

and save yourselves. Otherwise you will

face annihilation. Save your souls, or face

death and destruction. Look around you,

look at what is happening. The financial

stability of the entire world is in jeopardy.

This turmoil is God's way of telling you

that your crusade is wrong and morally

unjust. It is God's way of telling you that

you are corrupt ..

As before, Security Officers CONNOR and HAYLEY appear out of nowhere and approach MIRIAM. She knows the routine, and speeds up to finish her sermon before they bundle her away.

MIRIAM

.. It is God's way of telling you that time is

running out. The apocalypse is at hand!

Rise up, you children of Argos! Rise up!

2. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

We see MIRIAM being escorted across the Plaza to a waiting police van by CONNOR and HAYLEY.

MIRIAM

What's going on? What are you doing?

HAYLEY

You're being arrested, love.

MIRIAM

Get off me! Arrested? What for?

CONNOR

(Opening the rear door of the police

van) Hah!

MIRIAM

What's that supposed to mean?

CONNOR

Where to start. Criticising the State.

Blasphemy. Subversion. Incitement

to riot. Take your pick, love.

MIRIAM

You've got to be joking.

HAYLEY

(Pushing her into the van) Do we

look like we're joking?

CONNOR slams the door shut behind her. We hear MIRIAM thumping the inside of the door. CONNOR and HAYLEY piss themselves. They are helpless. CONNOR feebly knocks the van, to signal the driver to go, before collapsing in a heap on the ground.

The One About The War

2008-03-23T23:20:00.008Z

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

It's Easter Day and Sunnyside is deserted. There are a few PEOPLE wandering around, aimlessly. In the Central Concourse, MIRIAM (the self-styled preacher we last saw in The One About The Preacher) is holding forth for the benefit of anyone who will listen. But they pass by, ignoring her. Except, that is, for MAEVE, who stands there, absorbed.

MIRIAM

He has cast this war as a conflict between

good and evil, between right and wrong,

between Christianity and Islam. He has

proclaimed this war to be noble, necessary

and just, because it is beyond reason or

justification. He has called it a struggle

for civilisation. He has said that unless

we prevail, they will not leave us alone.

They will follow us, wherever we are,

and kill us.

Security Officers CONNOR and HAYLEY saunter over - it's a well-rehearsed routine - to stop her from speaking.

CONNOR

Come on, let's be having you, Miriam.

MIRIAM

Wake from your slumber and save your-

selves! On this day, of all days, when

Christ rose from the dead!

CONNOR and HAYLEY forcibly move MIRIAM on. Watched by MAEVE.

The One About Shannon's Shoes

2008-03-20T22:01:00.007Z

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

TRACEY (early 30s) is walking purposefully towards Sainsbury's in the Central Concourse. A couple of paces ahead of her is her 12-year-old daughter SHANNON. We saw TRACEY and SHANNON when they were nearly run over in The One About Ernie (Part 3). They pass Currys, and as they do so we fleetingly glimpse footage of the start of the Iraq War - the night-time 'Shock and Awe' bombardment of Baghdad - on the TV.

TRACEY

(Trying to talk to her daughter)

What, darlin?

SHANNON

(Mostly to herself) I'm talking to

myself, actually.

TRACEY

What?

SHANNON

(Not turning round, walking on

ahead) I said, I was talking to

myself.

TRACEY

Shannon! (She stops) Come back

'ere when I'm talking to you!

And then suddenly TRACEY realises that her daughter is wearing her shoes.

TRACEY

(Squawking) You've got my

trainers on!

SHANNON

(Turning to face her mother)

'Cos mine don't fit! I told you,

but you don't listen to me!

TRACEY, furious, marches off.

SHANNON

Don't walk away from me!

The One About Last Night's Telly

2008-03-12T20:57:00.006Z

Luigi's Cafe. The TV is on with the sound off in the corner. HARRY (late 30s) and his supervisor KENNY (early 40s) are having breakfast. Hard hats on the chairs beside them, newspapers open on the table, occasional conversation about a TV programme. HARRY is reading the sport, KENNY is doing a Sudoku puzzle in the London Paper. Just like The One About Kevin Keegan.

Meanwhile, as before, CRYSTAL sits quietly in the corner with a cup of tea, in her trademark faded wedding dress and veil pushed up, reading 'The Secrets of Solitary Witches - And How To Make Your Spells Work.' LUIGI (50s, balding) is reading the newspaper behind the counter, whilst his daughter ROSALINDA (20) slaves away.

HARRY

.. The Government's got it wrong there.

They come over here, they're hard-

working. They've no embarrassment

about working in Tesco. That English

bloke wouldn't be seen dead working in

a factory.

KENNY

It's changed since I was a kid. Nowadays

anyone can get a job. It might be a crappy

job, but they don't want 'em. You'd go out

and get a job, wouldn't you? And it wasn't

always that easy, sometimes there was a

shortage of them.

HARRY

The Lithuanians, the Slovakians, the Poles,

they want to work, they want the money.

You know where you are with them.

KENNY

Kids today just want to stay at home. They

won't go out unless they're earning the

same as their mum and dad, who've been

working all their lives.

HARRY

(To LUIGI) What do you think of the

Poles, Luigi?

LUIGI

(Looking up from his newspaper) Uh?

The Poles? (He shrugs) Baffi grosso.

(He goes back to reading)

HARRY, after a moment, looks to ROSALINDA for enlightenment.

ROSALINDA

Big moustaches. Not nice for kissing.

(A moment) And the older ones are

grumpy.

KENNY

Temperamental, you mean? (A moment)

Unlike the Italians ..

The One About The Storm

2008-03-10T21:38:00.007Z

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

It's the morning and the place is relatively quiet. AMADEUSZ, late 20s, a cleaning operative at Sunnyside, is watching the TV in Currys. He's not far from the entrance, and beside him is his janitorial trolley, with vinyl bag, bucket and wringer, duster and so on. Catching the breakfast news on a 57-inch Toshiba LCD TV is part of his morning routine. Keeping him company is his mate BERTRAM SHI, a Currys sales assistant, mid-20s.

On the TV, a woman REPORTER in so'wester is standing on the sea-front at Portsmouth Harbour in torrential wind and rain. Her face is hardly visible whilst behind her, monster waves crash into the sea wall.

NEWS TV REPORTER

"Travellers faced delays and thousands

of people woke to find they were without

electricity this morning as the worst storm

of the winter batters Wales and southern

England. The unusually intense storm

fronts came from Canada, hurtling across

the Atlantic at 200 miles an hour. The

combination of gale force winds, low

pressure and a massive tidal surge has

brought coastal flooding in many areas."

Cut to VT: we're up a hill somewhere, at a road junction and traffic lights. Trees are swirling around in the winds and driving rain, the traffic lights are shaking. On the junction, we can see a Nissan Micra which appears to be in two pieces. The area has been cordoned off with police tape, and there are police, ambulance and fire brigade in attendance. An American woman, GAYLE, in her early 60s, is being interviewed in the foreground as all this is going on behind her.

TV NEWS REPORT - GAYLE

"We were sitting there, waiting at the

stop. We saw three trees being up-

rooted, we saw the power lines coming

down before our eyes, next thing we

know, the car's been clean cut in two,

straight through the top and the hood

(she turns around to look at the scene

behind her) like a cheese-wire through

Monterey Jack. (A moment) I never

saw anything like it in my life."

BERTRAM

That's global warming, that is.

AMADEUSZ

That's Japanese engineering.

The One About Mike Read

2008-03-08T10:18:00.005Z

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE . DAY.

Sainsburys. A companion scene to The One About The Royals. DOLLY, who is in her mid-60s, is nattering away to LORRAINE (30s), who works behind the cigarettes counter near the entrance. She is serving a customer, TRACEY (early 30s), who has her 12-year-old daughter SHANNON in tow and is, as ever, on her mobile. We last saw TRACEY and SHANNON in The One About Ernie (Part 3). LORRAINE is listening to DOLLY.

DOLLY

D'you remember that fella, Mike Read?

LORRAINE

The one in Eastenders?

DOLLY

Eh? Oh, no. He died, didn't he?

LORRAINE

Peggy's husband? Did he? That's

a shame. (A moment) I don't really

watch it anymore. Still, you've got

move on eventually, haven't you?

DOLLY

In real life, dear. I believe he died

in real life. I remember reading

about it in the paper.

LORRAINE

Oh. (She crosses herself) Bless him.

He was terrific in that part. (A

moment) Frank Butcher, that was it.

DOLLY

The one who was the DJ. Did a TV

show called Saturday Superstore.

LORRAINE

Oh yes. Tinted glasses. The boring one.

DOLLY

That's him. (A moment) He was driving

our taxi last week.

LORRAINE

Get away.

DOLLY

Telling us all about his life, he was. When

we got home, Barry'd got all the shopping

in and had lunch on the table by the time

I'd got shot of him.

LORRAINE

What was he doing driving your taxi?

DOLLY

That's what he's doing now. Said he'd had

enough of it all. The glitz, the glamour, the

showbiz. Meant nothing anymore, he said.

A new beginning, he called it.

LORRAINE

Oh.

DOLLY

People are queer, aren't they?

At this point, DOLLY's husband BARRY (late 60s) comes up, and picks up the carrier bags of shopping at his wife's feet. Weekly routine.

DOLLY

(To BARRY) Who is it this week, dear?

BARRY winks at his wife.

DOLLY

(To LORRAINE) Oh, I like a surprise.

(She smiles) Bye bye, dear.

DOLLY and BARRY go.

The One About Leap Year

2008-02-29T22:03:00.007Z

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE - LUIGI'S CAFE. DAY.

CRYSTAL is in the corner with a cup of tea, minding her own business for a change. She is reading a book. Close in on the book's cover: 'The Secrets of Solitary Witches - And How To Make Your Spells Work.'

LENA, late 20s, attractive, is surreptitiously eating a Wispa Bar alongside a black coffee. Opposite her is her friend MICHELLE, late 20s, who wears a starched white uniform - she works in a dentist - and has chopsticks in her hair. She stirs sugar into a cup of tea.

LENA

Bit of a night last night. Too much

of that. (She presses in one side of

her nose: cocaine)

MICHELLE

You naughty girl.

LENA

(By way of explanation) Ben's going

to Kandahar.

MICHELLE

(A moment) Why's that, babe?

LENA

'Cos he's in the army.

MICHELLE

Did I know that?

LENA

He's being posted to Afghanistan.

MICHELLE

I know where it is, I'm not stupid.

(A moment) Afghanistan's the

place to be at the moment, isn't it?

What with Prince Harry and stuff.

(Thinking of the Taliban strategy) I

imagine they'd use rockets. Wouldn't

they? To make sure. Rather than

relying on bullets. (A moment) Are

you alright about it?

LENA

It's a strange day, today. You know ..

it doesn't really exist.

MICHELLE

Doesn't it?

LENA

It's a leap year. If you were born today,

your next birthday isn't for three years.

MICHELLE

Oh. Okay. Does that mean that you're ..

you age slower than your mates?

LENA

If we didn't have leap years, December

would end up in the summer.

MICHELLE

That's got to be rubbish.

LENA

It's true. 'Cos the months're always

going over. They, like, keep the

calendar in shape by letting the

pressure out. (A moment) I love

your hair like that, by the way.

MICHELLE

(Of the chopsticks in her hair) The best

ones are the cheap ones you get from

takeaways, 'cos they're rough and don't

slide out ..

LENA

Tomorrow is St. David's Day ..

MICHELLE

.. As the actress said to the bishop.

The One About The Royals

2008-02-23T15:13:00.018Z

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

Sainsbury's. The area of the supermarket near the main entrance with the cigarettes and tobacco, the magazines and newspapers. At the counter is the gaunt VERNON, late 20s, who we saw in The One About Ernie (Part 2). There is something quite menacing about him, particularly when he is being polite. He puts two boxes of rice onto the counter, some foil and a can of Nurishment. He is being served by CHANTRA, who is in her late 30s. Beside her, LORRAINE (30s) is serving a CUSTOMER as she talks to an ELDERLY LADY, who has two bags of shopping at her feet. This is DOLLY.

There is a small queue, at the front of which is a BLIND MAN with a guide-dog. This is MILTON RADCLIFFE, 50s, silver-haired, tall and imposing. Behind him is MICKY SHEPHERD, 40s, one of the SIGN PEOPLE whom we glimpsed in The One About The Curry Sale and featured in The One About The Banker. He holds a placard which reads 'Internet - £1 - For 2 Hours' and an arrow underneath.

VERNON

(To CHANTRA) Which would you say

is better, Long Grain or Basmati?

CHANTRA

(Tapping the box of Basmati Rice) This

is more tasty .. and less starchy.

VERNON

The problem with Basmati is that it

sticks. It's sticky. Isn't it? It's a

nightmare. Rice is a complete

fucking nightmare, if you ask me.

CHANTRA

If you put a bit of butter in it, it stops

it sticking.

VERNON

A bit of butter? (A moment) I'm not

sure I've got any .. The only rice I don't

have a problem with is Pilau. (Another

moment) I'll have twenty Royals.

CHANTRA

Anything else?

CHANTRA takes down 20 Royals and puts them on the counter.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE - SAINSBURYS. DAY

As before, but a few minutes later. RADCLIFFE passes VERNON as he goes to the counter.

RADCLIFFE

Are you ignoring me?

VERNON

You what?

RADCLIFFE

Am I invisible?

CHANTRA

(To MILTON) Next, please.

VERNON

I don't know you from Adam, mate.

(He walks off)

RADCLIFFE

(Calling after VERNON) Hah!

Oh, I think you know who I am.

(Turning back) Says he doesn't

know me from Adam. One day,

he will know me better than he

knows himself. But by then, it

will be too late.

CHANTRA

(To RADCLIFFE) Can I help you?

RADCLIFFE

(Turning to CHANTRA) Twenty

Consulate Menthol, please love.

The One About Ernie (Part 4)

2008-02-20T14:41:00.009Z

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

Picking up on The One About Ernie (Part 3). Woolworths, as before. But now we see ERNIE motoring through the shop, towards the exit. Unbeknown to him, RUBY is hitching a lift - clinging on to the back of the electric wheelchair. She is laughing. Her elder sister CHLOE stands watching, in stitches. Just as ERNIE and RUBY are about to leave the shop for the open road of the Upper Level, SIMON - CHLOE and RUBY's father - rushes past them into the shop, clearly very late for a rendezvous with his daughters. It's like a cartoon. He sees RUBY, not quite believing his eyes; does a double-take, skids to a halt and shouts after her.

SIMON

Ruby?!

RUBY, of course, realises that she's been rumbled, but can't get off. She's helpless. And beginning to panic. Meanwhile, CHLOE has joined her dad, skipping.

CHLOE

(Breezy) Hi, dad.

SIMON

What the fuck is going on? (He runs

off after the disappearing RUBY)

CHLOE

Nice hair cut.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

The entrance to Woolworths. CHLOE and her father SIMON are having a shouting match, whilst RUBY stands crying nearby.

CHLOE

We were waiting for you! (Angry)

You told us, this is where we would

meet. This is where we agreed

to meet! (She starts to cry) But

you didn't come! Did you?

(Becoming hysterical). We were

waiting for ever!

3. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

Later. SIMON, CHLOE and RUBY in the Central Concourse, making their way towards the lifts to the Car Park. Not a picture of happiness, though at least CHLOE and RUBY have stopped crying. And lo and behold, there's ERNIE, yet again - up ahead - and he's coming towards them.

ERNIE

(To SIMON, pointedly, as they pass

each other) Don't lose your temper,

son!

CHLOE

(Sticking the knife in) Yeah, dad.

ERNIE

You must learn to control yourself.

The One About Valentine's Day

2008-02-16T14:20:00.008Z

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE - TODDS. DAY.

Todds. Picking up on The One About The Axis Of Evil. MACKENZIE has nearly finished SIMON's hair-cut, brushing the back of his neck. At the same time, JOSEPH, the craggy man in his 50s or early 60s who we last saw scrounging a cup of tea off CRYSTAL in The One About Crystal's Memory, comes in.

SIMON

He sounds a bit like my mate Kenny.

He's in the building trade as well,

as it happens. He and his Missus

aren't talking to each other at the

moment.

JOSEPH

(To MACKENZIE) Alright, Mack ..

if I .. (He feebly points a little finger

towards the door at the back - he

wants to use the toilet)

MACKENZIE

(Giving him the mirror view of the

back of his head) Oh yeah? Why's

that, then? (To JOSEPH) Go ahead.

JOSEPH saunters off to the back and disappears.

SIMON

They've got some friends staying,

whilst their house is being decorated,

Rick and Tina. So his Missus has

gone off to Norfolk or something for

a few days, she comes back, and he's

making Tina a vodka and tonic.

MACKENZIE

What's wrong with that?

SIMON

Well, he never makes his Missus one.

Ever. And to add insult to injury, it's

Valentine's Day and he doesn't even

offer her a glass of wine. So she's got

the hump, hasn't she, hasn't spoken to

him for a couple of days now. Says

it's all because of Tina's breasts.

MACKENZIE

Oh, is it? It's often the way, isn't it?

Do you want anything in that? (His hair)

SIMON

It's alright, thanks. (Getting up)

That's what the Trojan War was all

about, wasn't it? I imagine the cause of

that - really - was not so much Helen's

face, as Helen's breasts.

MACKENZIE

(Nodding) They've a lot to answer for.

The One About Ernie (Part 3)

2008-02-09T16:00:00.001Z

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

Woolworths. We see CHLOE (nine), and her sister RUBY (seven), who we saw earlier in The One About The Bogeyman and The One About Hal. They are looking at Bratz dolls. Behind them, a woman TRACEY (early 30s), accompanied by her daughter SHANNON (12), is talking on her mobile as she walks up the aisle.

TRACEY

No, but listen .. everywhere I go,

I got this old git trying to run me over.

I'm not jokin' yer, Davinia, he nearly

drove over my toe. I swear.

TRACEY walks purposefully up the aisle, with her daughter in tow, past CHLOE and RUBY.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE - WOOLWORTHS. DAY.

The skeletal ERNIE appears in his motorised wheelchair at the end of the aisle, and approaches CHLOE and RUBY at some speed. CHLOE and RUBY are talking. ERNIE stops quite abruptly to talk to them.

CHLOE

I think you should get that one.

ERNIE

(Interrupting them, slightly menacing)

I saw you before, didn't I?

CHLOE

(Turning round) Excuse me?

ERNIE

No?

CHLOE

.. I don't think so.

RUBY

How fast does your wheelchair go?

ERNIE

Oh, quite fast.

RUBY

How fast?

ERNIE

Well, it's supposed to have a top speed

of ten miles per hour, but ..

RUBY

Ten miles per hour ..

ERNIE

But I can't say I've ever been at that.

Possibly when I visit my son in Brighton.

He's always telling me to slow down.

Mind you, it doesn't come cheap, you

you have to pay for it. Some of them

are like snails. I like a bit of pick-up.

RUBY

How much does it cost?

ERNIE

Well, this is a Cordoba, which costs

around three thousand pounds.

RUBY

Three thousand pounds! You're kidding!

CHLOE

You were robbed.

ERNIE is visibly deflated.

The One About Ashley Cole

2008-02-02T09:16:00.002Z

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

We're in the underground car park, beneath Sunnyside, on one of the upper levels. In a restricted access delivery depot, we see HARRY and his supervisor KENNY, both wearing hard hats and fluorescent jackets. In front of them are several palettes loaded with paper towels and toilet tissue. They are inspecting one of them particularly closely: one corner of the stacked paper towels appears to have been quite dramatically cut out or shorn off. HARRY and KENNY yatter away. They are watched patiently by security officer HAYLEY.

HARRY

See Newcastle have brought in Dennis

Wise?

KENNY

Above Keegan ..

HARRY

Makes no sense at all.

KENNY

.. Who had no idea.

HARRY

Wasn't king for long, was he?

KENNY

It's ludicrous. (To HAYLEY) Is it just

this one, love? (Palette)

HAYLEY

(Nodding) The others not been touched.

HARRY

Chris Moyles was having a go at Ashley

Cole this morning.

KENNY

He's been caught out, hasn't he? Naughty

boy. Thing is, though, he's a footballer.

That's what they do.

HAYLEY

(To HARRY) What do you think?

HARRY

(To HAYLEY) I think .. she's a lovely girl,

she doesn't deserve that. If I was Avram

Grant, I'd be having a word. 'Professional

is an attitude, it's a state of mind, right?

It's what goes on up here (He taps his

temple) The players here at Chelsea

are all professional. You get my drift?'

HAYLEY

I do but .. (Pointing at the paper towels)

I meant this. (To KENNY) What's this?

KENNY

(Shaking his head) No idea, if I'm honest

love. Mutant rat? Triceratops?

The One About The Axis Of Evil

2008-01-31T22:03:00.001Z

INT. TODDS THE BARBERS. DAY.

Picking up on The One About The Boiler. SIMON framed in the mirror, his hair wet, as MACKENZIE cuts away.

MACKENZIE

He rang me up the other day. He said, 'Have

you got a minute?' I sort of didn't, but I've

known him since I was 16, and I know that

on occasion you have to hear him out. He

says, 'Bush is going to bomb Iran.' I said,

'Oh, right. Why's that then?' He said, 'Don't

worry about that, that's not the point.' The

idea that the future of civilisation might be

beside the point is .. Anyway. He says, 'The

point is the price of oil is going through the

roof.' 'Oh,' I say. He says, 'I've looked in

Loot and you can get a tank that holds

10,000 litres for 45 quid.'

SIMON

Uh?

MACKENZIE

'Obviously,' he says, 'I can't keep it in the

garage 'cos it's too big. But I've got a mate

who owns a farm can keep it at his. Fill it

up with red diesel 'til it's all over.'

SIMON

(After a moment) What's red diesel?

MACKENZIE

It's what farmers use. It's cheaper 'cos you

don't have to pay VAT.

SIMON

That bloke's a lunatic. Ayotollah-Jihadi

what's-his-chops, the President, says

the Holocaust was all made up. Zionist

conspiracy. (A moment) What's his name?

(A moment) So what was he going to do

with it, sell it?'

MACKENZIE

Oh no, it was for his own personal use.

Cheap supply of fuel, 'til it's all over.'

SIMON

(Trying to remember the President's

name) Ahmenijad, or something.

MACKENZIE

No, he wasn't going to sell it.

The One About Maeve

2008-01-29T19:10:00.000Z

1. INT. THE ANGEL. DAY.

Pick up on The One About The Banker, focusing on MAEVE (who we saw in the first story), looking disconsolate, a pint of lager in front of her, whilst elsewhere the suited TONY HILLCOCK has a go at MICKY SHEPHERD for resigning from his high-powered job without explanation.

2. INT. SUPERMARKET. DAY.

Sainsburys. The far corner, near the fridges: all sorts of different juices and milk. It's the middle of the afternoon and it's quiet. See THOMPSON standing behind a small counter, sort of swaying because he is so bored. We saw THOMPSON in the first story with MAEVE, and in The One About The March Of Time. He's a big man with a big belly. This story is a flash-back. On the counter in front of him are ranged four small different coloured bottles of water.

3. INT. SUPERMARKET. DAY.

See MAEVE walking purposefully towards the back of the supermarket. MAEVE is always cheerful and very round. As she comes to the end of the aisle, she sees the tall and rotund THOMPSON, standing behind the counter with the water bottles. He looks slightly ridiculous. He sees her and comes to life, greeting her, an American accent.

THOMPSON

Hello there.

MAEVE

Hello.

THOMPSON

(Slightly leaning towards her) Can I interest

you in some Dasani Flavoured Water?

MAEVE

(Smiles and thinks; she hates to disappoint)

Um .. I'm sort of .. (In a rush. She looks

around) I'll have a taste.

THOMPSON

Would you like strawberry, rasberry, mango or -

MAEVE

(Wanting to get it over with) Strawberry's fine.

THOMPSON pours some into a small plastic cup and gives it to MAEVE, who tastes it.

MAEVE

Do you know what? That's surprisingly good.

THOMPSON

You know what? That's what they all say.

God's truth. I wouldn't sell it else.

MAEVE

It's very refreshing.

THOMPSON

And not only that. It's got no calories, so you

don't put weight on.

A moment. Oops, he might have blown it. MAEVE, of course, is a hefty weight. Mind you, THOMPSON's no Daddy Long-Legs.

MAEVE

(A bit too strong) You're a fine one to talk.

THOMPSON

It's only just come on the market.

MAEVE

(Taking another taste) I thought I hadn't

seen it before.

THOMPSON

It's a good way to hydrate yourself and at

the same time it's nutritional. (A moment)

It's got all sorts of vitamins in it. Would

you like to buy some?

MAEVE

(Surprising herself) I think I would.

THOMPSON

Would you like me to get you a bottle?

MAEVE

Yes please.

THOMPSON

(Going off to the fridges) Would you

like the strawberry, or rasberry or -

MAEVE

The strawberry's fine. (A moment. To

his back) What I really came for was

some milk.

The One About Kevin Keegan (Part 1)

2008-01-19T21:47:00.002Z

Luigi's Cafe. A different angle on The One About Crystal's Memory. We focus on HARRY (late 30s) and his supervisor KENNY (early 40s). Hard hats at the side, papers in front of them as they eat. KENNY is playing Sudoku in the London Paper while HARRY is reading the sport. In the background, we see CRYSTAL and JOSEPH - as ROSALINDA takes JOSEPH's order - and elsewhere, LENA and her friend SARAH, both in their 20s. The TV on in the corner.

HARRY

(Reading) "Sister Josephine Matthews

said there's nothing wrong calling him a

Messiah. 'I don't think Jesus would mind,'

she said." (A moment. He looks up at

KENNY) I beg to differ. Jesus will mind,

in my opinion, if our Kev isn't any good. (He

looks down again to read the paper)

King Kev, it says here, hasn't watched a

single game in three years. (After a moment,

he looks up at KENNY again) He went in and

talked to the team at half-time, told them

not to worry about that. (A moment) Call

me old-fashioned, but doesn't that mean

you know fuck all?

KENNY

Don't knock Special K. Jimmy put a

bet on him becoming manager. Just

over a week ago. Which no one saw

coming. (A moment) Not even Shearer.

Won four and a half fucking grand.

HARRY

You're shitting me?

KENNY

He put some money on Shearer as well ..

HARRY

He hit the jackpot there.

HARRY goes back to reading the sports news, and KENNY goes back to his Sudoku. Commentary from the TV wafts in:

NEWS PRESENTER

"The Home Secretary said that an

effective response to terrorism could

never depend only on government

and the police .."

HARRY

(To KENNY, but his head down reading

again) Havant are the only non-League

club left in the FA Cup. They're 100-1 to

beat Liverpool. And 10,000-1 to win the

Cup. (He looks up at KENNY again)

What do you think?

KENNY

Haven't a hope.

HARRY

(A moment. Deadpan) That's

good. 'Haven't a hope.'

The One About Ernie (Part 2)

2008-01-19T16:23:00.001Z

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

ERNIE, the skeletal old man we saw before in The One About The Ernie, has been stopped for speeding in his motorised wheelchair outside Woolworths on the Upper Level by Security Officer HAYLEY.

HAYLEY

You could've knocked some-

one over. You were going

so fast, you wouldn't have

been able to stop in time. It

would only have taken a small

child to come out of here (she

indicates Woolworths behind

her) and .. bam! (She punches

her fist into her hand for

added effect). Carnage.

ERNIE

That's what brakes are for.

HAYLEY

If it happens again, I'll have no

option but to give you a fine.

Let this be a warning to you.

ERNIE is seething. He shakes his head and looks away in disgust. His attention is drawn by a scrawny couple, KEVIN and LAILA, both in their late 20s, talking to their teenage son VERNON, whose face is gaunt and empty.

KEVIN

(Utterly helpless) Come 'ome

soon, son. So we can talk to

you. Yeah?

LAILA

(Close to tears) We ain't seen

you for such a long time. Just

come 'ome to talk, that's all.

VERNON

(He won't) I will. I will. (He goes)

ERNIE drives off, watched by HAYLEY.

The One About Crystal's Memory

2008-01-18T22:10:00.000Z

Luigi's Cafe. CRYSTAL, as always in faded wedding dress and veil, is in the corner with a cup of tea, reading a book. Close in on the cover: 'The Secrets of Solitary Witches - And How To Make Your Spells Work.'

LENA, early 20s, attractive, and her friend SARAH, 20s, who wears a starched white uniform, having breakfast. LUIGI himself and ROSALINDA, his daughter, working. Elsewhere, two men in fluorescent jackets and hard hats on the table. This is HARRY (late 30s) and his supervisor KENNY (early 40s), who we saw briefly in The One About Hal. See a craggy man, JOSEPH, coming in. He's probably in his late 50s or early 60s, it's difficult to tell. There's something of the vagrant about him. He goes up to CRYSTAL.

JOSEPH

Mind if I join you?

CRYSTAL

(Looking up from her book)

Help yourself. (She gives him

a smile)

JOSEPH

Much obliged to yer, ma'am.

CRYSTAL

Think nothing of it.

JOSEPH

Who's the lucky fella?

CRYSTAL

(After a long moment) I'm

ashamed to say .. I've forgotten.

JOSEPH

That can't be good.

ROSALINDA comes over to take JOSEPH's order. JOSEPH looks at ROSALINDA, and then looks at CRYSTAL. He doesn't have any money.

JOSEPH

Next time .. it's on me.

The One About The Boiler

2008-01-12T15:23:00.000Z

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

A hairdressers, S. Todd - old style, Fifties chairs, trendy. A sofa. Large mirrors along the walls, a wooden floor. A large window onto the mall. It's busy. There are four HAIRDRESSERS working: MACKENZIE and BEDFORD (both mid-30s), KERRY (25) and KIRSTEN (late 20s). An assistant, WINSTON (21) is on the phone and entering an appointment into a diary. A door at the back leads downstairs.

The focus throughout is MACKENZIE as he cuts the hair of SIMON, who was last seen in The One About The Bogeyman. Their conversation is framed entirely in the mirror in front of them. On the mirror, close in on a sticker which shows troops in full combat-gear with helicopter gun-ships flying above them. Underneath, the caption reads 'Americans Flying Overhead.'

MACKENZIE

I searched on the internet and I

discover that the going rate to fix

it is two and a half grand.

SIMON

For a new boiler? That sounds a

bit steep.

MACKENZIE

I've got this mate who buys council

properties, puts as many bedrooms

in them as possible, then rents them

to students. Does everything on the

cheap. Consequently he's very rich.

He says to me, 'The Bosch is like a

Mercedes, the Vaillant's like a Ford,

and what you want's a Fiat. Something

that runs forever and there are always

parts available.'

The One About Ernie (Part 1)

2008-01-12T14:27:00.000Z

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

See ERNIE, skeletal and ancient, a hearing aid in his ear, driving a Cordoba motorised wheelchair along the Upper Tier. We see some SHOPPERS stepping out of the way as they see him bearing down on them. We see a SMALL CHILD, oblivious, about to be mown down. A hand grabs the hood of the CHILD's coat as ERNIE blasts past.

MOTHER

(To ERNIE) Watch it, will yer?

But ERNIE can't hear a thing. He tips her a salute as he passes, all smiles.

ERNIE

(To THE MOTHER) How do.

MOTHER

(To the disappearing ERNIE) Look

where you're fuckin' going.

The One About The Preacher

2008-01-06T21:31:00.002Z

A reverse angle on The One About The Bogeyman. BBs restaurant for muffins and ice creams, which opens onto the central concourse. We are with MIRIAM, a self-styled preacher, as she approaches the customers, none of whom wish to acknowledge her presence or existence. Nearest to her are a YOUNG COUPLE and a WOMAN on her own reading a book. At the back are SIMON and his daughter RUBY in conversation, and a WAITRESS.

MIRIAM

Everybody has got a time in this life.

For each of you, your time will come ..

to be significant. To shine like jewels. You

must be wise enough, smart enough

to see the opportunity for what it is,

and seize it. Then you can become

like Kings and Queens.

WOMAN READING

(Looking up from her book) Excuse me,

I don't want to be rude, but I want to

read. Every now and then, you seem

to pop up out of nowhere. Why don't

you choose somewhere else? (And

at that she returns to her reading)

MIRIAM

Each of us is special. As long as you are

not selfish, I promise you, you will make

it in this world. It is more important to

greet a fellow human being -

WOMAN READING

(Interrupting her) It isn't. It is more

important to listen.

And at that she slams shut her book, puts it in her bag, and walks off - all of which has been seen by the WAITRESS.

MIRIAM

Bless everybody for their strength. This

is very important, because there is a power

in each of you which is beyond all under-

standing. You may have to find a way to

discover it in yourselves, you may know

that you already have it. But with it you

will be free. And the world will be yours.

But if you are sinful or greedy, then you

will be punished. Believe me, I know what

awaits you.

WAITRESS

Get lost, Miriam. I won't warn you again.

The One About The Banker

2008-01-03T20:39:00.002Z

The Angel Public House, set within the main entrance way to Sunnyside in the covered outer piazza. It has a large central island bar, an eclectic mix of furniture and sofas, a kitchen at the back and a blackboard menu on the wall. There are stairs to a function room and private accommodation on the floors above. The landlord, RONNIE THE MOOSE, is behind the bar.

It's the middle of the afternoon and the place is almost deserted. There's a couple of BLOKES at the bar, regulars who occasionally involve RONNIE in their conversation. A woman on her own, MAEVE (who we saw in the first story, The One About The Public Convenience Part 1), looking disconsolate. And a couple of PEOPLE by one of the windows: MICKY SHEPHERD (40s) has beside him a placard leaning against the wall. It reads 'Internet - £1 - For 2 Hours' with an arrow beneath. We saw him, fleetingly, in The One About The Curry Sale amongst the other SIGN PEOPLE. Talking to MICKY is TONY HILLCOCK, late 30s, suit. MICKY stares out of the window and appears to be largely ignoring him.

TONY

Come on Micky, let's talk about

it. I didn't come all this way

to .. I think, at the very least,

you owe me an explanation.

MICKY

I just don't want to do it anymore.

I want it to stop. I want everything

to slow down .. to a standstill.

TONY

So you think .. by doing this (he

nods towards the placard) time

will slow down?

MICKY

I do. (A moment) It does. Crushingly.

The One About The Manhole Cover

2008-01-02T12:25:00.000Z

1. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. NIGHT.

One of the rear service yards to the shopping centre: F Service Yard, which featured in The One About The Skateboarders. It is dimly lit. A van is parked in a bay beneath a sign which reads: 'Cars parked here without authorisation will be clamped.' The doors of the van are open, and we can just make out tools inside.

Nearby, in the centre of the yard, a red and white-striped temporary canvas work hut used by telecom engineers has been erected. There is light inside it.

2. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. NIGHT.

Inside the canvas hut is YOSHITAKA and ZENSHO, both in their late 20s. They are kneeling on the ground looking at a manhole cover between them. YOSHITAKA holds a lamp over it, and as he does so we see that it has a complex design of shapes and hieroglyphs, a bit like a maze. It is circular within a square frame. Across the bottom is the inscription, 'La Fonderie Toulouse.' YOSHITAKA and ZENSHO marvel at it as if it were a work of art.

3. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. NIGHT.

Inside the canvas hut, ZENSHO is trying to open the manhole cover with a crow-bar, without success.

YOSHITAKA

Here, let me have a go.

4. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. NIGHT.

Inside the hut, ZENSHO and YOSHITAKA, both wearing round welding goggles, are using an oxycetaline torch around the edge of the manhole cover.

5. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

The following morning, F Service Yard. There is no van, no canvas work hut. But there is a hole in the yard where the manhole cover once was. Above it stands HAYLEY who, as ever, is on her walkie-talkie. Some SKATEBOARDERS seen over in the corner.

HAYLEY

Control, come in.

The One About Hal

2008-01-01T17:38:00.000Z

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SUPERMARKET CAR PARK. DAY.

JESSICA (mid-thirties) in a lift to the underground car park beneath Sunnyside Shopping Centre. With her are her two daughters, CHLOE (nine) and RUBY (seven), dressed in Boden. RUBY we saw with her father SIMON in The One About The Bogeyman. A supermarket trolley laden with food and drink between them. A long moment.

CHLOE

Mum, I don't think we're moving.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SUPERMARKET CAR PARK. DAY.

See JESSICA unloading the shopping from the supermarket trolley into the back of the car, a BMW X5. Meanwhile, CHLOE and RUBY are inside the car, in the back, arguing over who sits in the middle.

CHLOE

But you were in the middle on the way.

RUBY

Don't care.

CHLOE

(Losing her temper) Listen ... Move out

of the way or I'll kill you.

There is the sound of glass smashing.

3. INT. SUPERMARKET CAR PARK. DAY.

There are broken bottles on the ground at the back of the BMW, and a river of wine. JESSICA loses it just as two WORKERS walk past. They are HARRY (late 30s) and his supervisor KENNY (early 40s), wearing hard hats and fluorescent jackets. They both look at JESSICA as they pass.

JESSICA

Shit! Fucking assholes and .. SHIT!

(To HARRY and KEVIN) And shit to you!

4. INT. SUPERMARKET CAR PARK. DAY.

JESSICA approaches the car park exit barrier. CHLOE is in the passenger seat beside her, and RUBY is sitting in the back on the arm-rest in the middle. JESSICA posts her ticket into the machine.

RUBY

(To JESSICA) I wasn't doing anything.

CHLOE

(To JESSICA) Yes she was. My stupid

little sister.

Close on the ticket machine. 'You must pay at the ticket machine before exiting.' JESSICA puts her face in her hands and leans her forehead on the steering wheel.

CHLOE

Mum, what is it?

5. INT. SUPERMARKET CAR PARK. DAY.

JESSICA is talking to the car park ticket machine. See the camera lens in the machine - like Hal in 2001 A Space Odyssey. Catch a glimpse of a long queue of cars behind her in the wing mirror.

JESSICA

I'm trying to explain to you .. the

reason we couldn't get out in time.

Car horns heard blaring from behind. JESSICA looks over her shoulder at the cars behind, looks ahead at the barrier in front of her, looks at the camera in the machine.

TICKET BARRIER

You must return to the ticket

machine and re-pay the fee.

JESSICA puts the car into gear, revs, and blasts through the barrier which bends backwards and snaps off.

JESSICA

Happy New Year!

6. INT. SUPERMARKET CAR PARK. DAY.

See the BMW burning off, and the smashed barrier left behind in its wake.

The One About The Burial Ground

2007-12-31T15:07:00.000Z

INT. LUIGI'S CAFE. MORNING.

CRYSTAL is talking to LUIGI while CONNOR is finishing his breakfast, reading a newspaper. During this, HAYLEY comes in.

CRYSTAL

Do you know how long the church was there?

Over seven hundred years. It's where they put

the dead during the Black Death.

LUIGI

(Alarmed) Here?

CRYSTAL

This was a burial ground. They brought the dead

by boat along the river.

LUIGI

Under the ground is dead people?

ROSALINDA

(Interrupting) Under the ground is a car park.

CRYSTAL

They got rid of the church.

HAYLEY

(Sitting down opposite CONNOR) Alright?

CRYSTAL

Where is a girl to get married these days?

CONNOR

(Looking up from his paper) Yeah.

The One About The Curry Sale

2007-12-31T14:24:00.002Z

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

Security Officer HAYLEY is walking through the central concourse. She passes several people, all holding placard signs (reading 'Pine Furniture', 'Massive Rug Sale', 'Internet - £1 - For 2 Hours', 'Sim Cards', 'Barbers', 'Mobile Phones - Unlocking', 'Golf Sale', 'Tattoo & Piercing', 'Learn English' and lastly 'Curry Sale' - all with arrows underneath the words), all pointing in different directions. These are the Sign People, and some of them hand out cards to the shoppers who pass by. The man holding the sign saying 'Internet - £1 - For 2 Hours,' MICKY SHEPHERD, will feature in The One About The Banker.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

A large queue from one of these sales cuts straight across the concourse - effectively forming a barrier to the thoroughfare of shoppers. HAYLEY, smiling, is onto it.

HAYLEY

(To the queue of people) Move to the

side, please. Move to the side. (She uses

her baton to chivvy them out of the way).

PERSON IN QUEUE

Oi, we're not cattle you know!

3. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

The queue of people is now neatly lined up against the side. HAYLEY, meanwhile, is dishing out a ticket.

HAYLEY

Do you want a penalty notice for £80

payable within two weeks, or an on-the-spot

fine payable now in cash or credit card for £50?

PERSON IN QUEUE

(After thinking about it for a long time,

watched by his mates) Erm ... I think I'll ...

Phone a friend. Please.

The One About The Greasy Spoon

2007-12-30T20:16:00.000Z

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

Luigi's greasy spoon cafe, morning. A small Christmas tree and decorations. A television on in the corner. LUIGI (50s, balding, sweaty, happy and fat) and his daughter ROSALINDA (20s, drop-dead) behind the counter, working.

CUSTOMERS include CONNOR, the security guard and CRYSTAL, an old lady in her eighties who is wearing a faded wedding dress & veil and Nike running shoes. She has a cup of tea and toast with jam in front of her, and is talking to LUIGI over the local news on the television - which CONNOR watches with a face like thunder.

TELEVISION

A man has died after being

locked in a public toilet outside

a busy shopping centre.

CRYSTAL

(Oblivious) I'm getting married this

afternoon.

LUIGI

(Routine, an eye on the television)

Congratulations. Who is the lucky man?

CRYSTAL

His name's slipped my mind for the time

being. But I'm sure it'll come back.

LUIGI

I hope it comes back in time for the wedding.

(To ROSALINDA, of CONNOR) Your fancy-man

needs to you.

TELEVISION

The mystery death follows the killing

of Robert Forsyth (we see a family

photograph of MAN MOUNTAIN

BOB) in the same shopping centre

earlier this year.

2. INT. LUIGI'S CAFE. DAY.

ROSALINDA is at CONNOR'S table.

ROSALINDA

.. White toast and tea. Anything else?

CONNOR

(Very abrupt, his eyes on the television)

That's it.

TELEVISION

.. David Ash (over a sequence of CCTV stills)

the man who was identified as the

Longbow Killer from CCTV footage

of the incident at Sunnyside Shopping

Centre, was never caught by police.

3. INT. LUIGI'S CAFE. DAY.

CRYSTAL is in full flow.

CRYSTAL

No one cares anymore, nobody has any sense

of responsibility or morality. People are so

weak, it's pathetic. The young are so molly

coddled, they don't know they're born most

of the time. It's such little things now that

people are concerned with, such superficial

things. Little things please little minds, that's

what I say. When I was a young girl, people

had meaning and a reason to live.

The One About The Flowers

2007-12-30T19:37:00.000Z

1. EXT. SUNNYSIDE PIAZZA. EVENING.

The public toilets in Sunnyside Piazza are cordoned off with blue and white 'Police - Keep Out' tape. CONNOR and HAYLEY, Sunnyside Security, stand nearby alongside A POLICEMAN. An SO3 POLICE OFFICER in a white paper suit and face mask forensically examines the inside of the Superloo THOMPSON came out of.

2. EXT. SUNNYSIDE PIAZZA. EVENING.

Nearby, against the wall, some flowers have been laid. Zoom in on a card with a message that reads:

MESSAGE

You were one in a million. Heaven got

lucky today. My misfortune to be left

behind. It's what I've always dreaded.

Pull out to see PEOPLE walking past, oblivious, going home with their shopping, another day done in an endless cycle of repetition.

The One About The Bogeyman

2007-12-30T16:54:00.001Z

SIMON MILLS (early 40s, plump) and his daughters RUBY (seven) and CHLOE (eleven) are at a table in BBs, which opens onto the central concourse of the shopping centre. Above them a sign, 'Drinks, Muffins and Ice Cream.' It's the morning and is fairly busy. SIMON is drinking a cappuccino, RUBY has an apple juice and a muffin, CHLOE has a Coke and is listening to music on her iPod. She holds a monkey, CHICO, in her arms.

RUBY

Daddy .. When you saw the witch,

were you scared?

SIMON

What witch?

RUBY

The one that you saw. The witch

in the night.

SIMON

It was nothing.

RUBY

Mummy said you woke up in

the night. Was it the Bogeyman?

SIMON

It was nothing.

A moment. A LARGE BLACK WOMAN approaches the CUSTOMERS and starts to preach to them all, clutching a well-thumbed copy of the Bible. This is MIRIAM. The CUSTOMERS try as hard as possible not to look at or acknowledge her. She is heard just at the beginning of SIMON and RUBY's conversation, and then dips out.

MIRIAM

Everybody has got a time in this life.

For each of you, your time will come ..

to be significant. To shine like jewels ..

You can become like Kings and Queens ..

RUBY

He came into my bedroom last night.

SIMON

Who did?

RUBY

The wicked witch. And he cast a spell

on Chico. I was sleeping, and then I

woke up. And Chico was gone.

SIMON

Where was he?

RUBY

He was sitting on the floor. Wide

awake.

SIMON

Was he alright?

RUBY

No, he was crying.

SIMON

So what did you do?

RUBY

I got out of bed, I picked him up,

and then I took him back to bed

with me.

SIMON

Was he okay?

RUBY

He was very frightened. But he

went back to sleep in the end.

SIMON

That's good. (He strokes her

cheek, deeply affected)

RUBY

He doesn't talk to me anymore.

He doesn't say anything. (She

holds Chico tight).

The One About The March Of Time

2007-12-29T15:46:00.000Z

Outside the main entrance to Sunnyside Shopping Centre - the covered outer piazza. A Christmas tree and decorations. See a MAN lurching out of one of several 'Superloo' toilets set back against the outer wall of the mall. This is THOMPSON, early 50s, who we saw at the very beginning. He wears a khaki jacket and belt, and beige cotton trousers. Unlike before, however, he now has a beard, he is thin, has long hair and is filthy. His clothes are soiled and torn, his hands are black. PEOPLE are walking past with their shopping, ignoring him.

As we close in on THOMPSON, we see that his face is scratched and bloody. There is a desperation in his eyes as he looks around. He squints, shielding his eyes from the light, as if he's been in darkness for days. Weeks even. Tears start to stream from his eyes. He goes up to a PASSER-BY.

THOMPSON

Help me.

The PASSER-BY ignores him and walks on. THOMPSON goes up to another person, an old lady, OLIVE.

THOMPSON

What day is it?

OLIVE

(Surprised at the question) It's Thursday, dear.

THOMPSON

Thursday what?

OLIVE

I'm sorry?

THOMPSON

Thursday the what?

OLIVE

I believe it's ... the thirtieth today.

THOMPSON

Of what?

OLIVE

Of what?

THOMPSON

(Urgent) Of what month?

OLIVE

Oh. December. (She looks at him, not

knowing whether that's good or bad)

December, dear. (She smiles)

THOMPSON

(In total shock) You're sure?

OLIVE

Oh yes. (She looks over his shoulder

towards the Christmas tree and

decorations) Quite sure.

THOMPSON follows her gaze, looks at the decorations. He starts to shake, like he's having some sort of fit. OLIVE is frightened and watches him helplessly, as he falls to the ground.

The One About The Boot

2007-05-27T16:10:00.000Z

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

The shoe-repairers in the main concourse. Shoe repairs and key-cutting. See the owner, ONE-EYED CARLOS, in the back. He's in his 50s and wears thick, Harry Palmer glasses. His left eye, however, is covered with a black patch. Occasionally, he looks up from his work, cutting a key, looks at a small portable televisionset in the corner. It's a wonder he can see anything at all.

At the counter is his daughter MARIA, who is in her early thirties. MARIA might be quite attractive if it wasn't for a rather pronounced moustache.

At the side, glimpse a public information poster asking everyone to join together to fight the war on terrorism. "It's up to all of us."

TELEVISION

Police were searching last night for a

man who shot dead a builder with

an arrow in a crowded shopping centre.

A customer, RAY (late twenties) is talking to MARIA, a pair of boots on the counter.

RAY

I bought them in to be mended a couple

of weeks ago.

Maria takes the boots. She inspects one of them carefully. She turns it over, looks at the sole, and then the heel.

RAY

When I first brought them in, it took

well over a week for them to be sorted.

I was told it was only going to be a

couple of days.

MARIA

(Putting the boot that she has been inspecting

down on the counter) That's okay. Nothing

wrong with that.

RAY

That's not the one causing the problem.

(MARIA picks up the other boot)

If I'd known then what I know now,

I think I would've done things a bit differently.

MARIA is looking at the other boot. She turns it over, and all looks fine. Then she pulls slightly on the heel, and it comes away. It's completely broken.

RAY

See what I mean?

MARIA

One moment please.

MARIA goes into the back with the boot and talks to her father, who interrupts his work. CARLOS lifts his glasses to peer into the empty well of the broken heel's interior. After a while, MARIA returns to the counter.

MARIA

Yes, these are very difficult to repair.

RAY

(Pointing to CARLOS) That's what he told

me before. When I came to pick them up,

I asked why they'd taken so long. He said

that he'd had to send them away. 'Send

them away?' I said. 'Where to?' 'The

workshop,' he says, 'I can't do them here.'

MARIA

(Showing RAY the broken heel) If you look,

you can see. Because they are made of

plastic, they are very difficult to mend.

RAY

(Pointing again at CARLOS) That's exactly

what he said. Exactly.

MARIA

He is my father.

RAY

That explains it then. 'All the boots now

are coming from Taiwan and China,' he

says. To be honest, I don't care if they're

coming from Timbuktu, I just want them

fixed. I can't be the first person with a

broken heel.

MARIA

We can send them to the workshop again

but .. I do not think that it will work.

RAY

So you're not really .. You don't repair.

It's not what you do at all.

MARIA studiously ignores the bait and smiles at RAY.

MARIA

Look. (She leans over the counter and shows

RAY the inside of the heel) Try to see, really

see what I am saying, and you will understand.

There is nothing to work with to recreate the

heel, because it is made of plastic. This boot

.. is cheap. My father should never have agreed

to mend it. He can never say no. And now you

are angry because it is broken again.

RAY looks at the boot, and then at MARIA. They are close. He is being affected both by her cutting remark and their closeness. A moment.

RAY

Right. So. (Another moment) What should I do?

RAY is attracted to MARIA now, moustache and all. He looks at her again, seeing her in a completely different way from before.

MARIA

(Soft) I will try one more time. Yes?

One more time we give it a go. And

if it is not possible to mend them, I

will give you your money back.

RAY

Okay.

MARIA writes out a ticket receipt and hands it to RAY. RAY takes it, looks at it. For him, it is a token of hope, a promise of possibility. The moment is broken as Security Officer CONNOR comes up to the counter.

CONNOR

(To MARIA, showing her a photograph)

Excuse me, Madam, have you seen this

man?

MARIA

(A moment as she looks at the photograph)

No. Sorry. Why? Who is it?

RAY

It's the Longbow Killer. Isn't it?

CONNOR looks at RAY suspiciously before walking off.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

The shoe-repairers. As RAY is going, a MAN comes up to the counter. He has a key in his hand.

MAN

(To MARIA) This door-key doesn't work

and now I can't get in.

The One About The Bicycle

2007-04-22T10:12:00.000Z

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

A bicycle shop. ABU - the man who was looking suspicious in The One About The Busybody - sits astride a brand new bicycle, getting a feel for it, as the ASSISTANT explains its features. ABU's girlfriend DELLA (30) watches.

ASSISTANT

Aluminium frame, alloy hubs, double wall rims,

alloy cranks, semi-raised steel handlebars, and

21-speed Shimano shifter. It’s a good all-purpose

bicycle, very robust ..

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

The main concourse of Sunnyside. Security Guard CONNOR is talking to someone on the walkie-talkie. Beside him is DYLAN (40), the Deputy Security Manager. They are very jumpy, eyes peeled for the Longbow Killer or - failing that - anyone who looks in the least bit suspicious.

CONNOR

(To JIM) Say again, Jim.

JIM

(OOV on the walkie-talkie) He’s bought a push-bike.

DYLAN

(To CONNOR, indicating the whole shopping centre)

No bikes. We’ve got him.

3. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

We see DELLA with ABU, who is wheeling his brand new bike through the main concourse of Sunnyside. See some way ahead, DYLAN and CONNOR walking towards them, urgent.

4. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

The main concourse of Sunnyside. CONNOR goes up to ABU as DYLAN holds back.

CONNOR

Excuse me, sir. No bicycles in the shopping centre.

ABU

Oh.

CONNOR

Company policy.

ABU

But I’ve just bought it.

CONNOR

No bicycles allowed, sir.

ABU

But I bought it here.

CONNOR

Sorry sir.

DELLA

This is ridiculous.

DYLAN

(Stepping forward) The best thing to do is to take it

back to the shop you bought it from. If you can carry

it, rather than wheeling it along, that would be acceptable.

ABU

You're having a laugh.

DYLAN

You can ask them to deliver it.

ABU picks up the bike and starts to walk back to the bicycle shop. DYLAN and CONNOR watch them.

CONNOR

Sorry about that, sir.

ABU

Yeah. Sure you are.

5. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

DELLA, with ABU carrying the brand new bicycle through the concourse.

6. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

DYLAN and CONNOR in the concourse. Suddenly, ABU burns past them on his bike, giving them a finger as he goes. Close on DYLAN and CONNOR as they take it in.

The One About The Sebatier Knives

2007-04-22T09:18:00.000Z

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

TONY the Salesman is still trying to flog a credit card to MAN MOUNTAIN BOB.

TONY
What’s that supposed to mean?

BOB
I’m really not interested.

TONY
There’s no trick. Go with. Go with.

(BOB is thinking. He looks around the mall).

BOB
I was only killing time.

TONY
Don’t ever do that, Bob. Life’s too short for that.

TONY
I’ve offered you a 25% discount on your mortgage, yeah?

Now what I'm going to do is double your life insurance.

BOB
What’s the catch?

TONY
There is no catch ..

BOB
I’m dead, aren’t I?

TONY is beginning to lose patience.

TONY
(Counting on his fingers) You’ve got the interest-free credit on the

card, you’ve got the discount on the car insurance, the discount on

the mortgage - and I’ve doubled your life assurance in the event of

your untimely death. And .. to top it all, right, I’m going to give you ..

(he bends down behind the counter, re-appears with a set of kitchen

knives in a wooden block) this set of fourteen Sebatier Professional

kitchen knives. Top of the range they are, if you were to buy these

in the shops, they’d retail for £69.99. Look at this (he takes out one

of the larger ones, takes a piece of paper and slices it in two).

BOB
I like knives.

TONY
If I can get you to sign just here ..

BOB, convinced at last, signs on the dotted line.

TONY
You get free identity theft assistance as well. So if someone hacks

into your computer or gets your PIN number, you’re covered.

BOB fills in his details on the application form. He doesn’t seem too bothered about the identity theft assistance.

TONY
You should receive your new card within five working days. Once you

get it, you’ll need to ring the number provided to activate it.

BOB
(Pointing to the knives) Have you got one of those boxed up?

TONY
I have indeed.

As TONY bends down there’s a quivering noise and then a terrible crunch. TONY re-appears with the boxed set of kitchen knives, puts it on the counter. Looks up. And what he sees is .. indescribable. BOB is looking down. A bloodied arrow-head protrudes through his chest, through his T-shirt, blood expanding everywhere. Totally in shock. He looks at TONY, a frown of annoyance forming on his forehead, a frown of incomprehension.

TONY
What the fuck ..

BOB
(Disbelieving) What’s that?

TONY
Shit ..

BOB
That’s not right.

BOB begins to fall forward on the counter, twists, his legs buckle and he crashes to the ground.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

Security Guards CONNOR and HAYLEY running through the mall, walkie-talkies in hand, squawking.

3. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

BOB on his side in a pool of blood, white as a sheet and still, the shaft of the arrow between his shoulder-blade and neck. People milling around. See HAYLEY kneeling down beside BOB, trying to work out what to do, as CONNOR tries to push people back.

The One About The Busybody

2007-04-09T14:10:00.000Z

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

A man, ABU, is standing in the main concourse opposite the toilets. He’s in his early thirties and has a long black beard. He is reading from the Koran, mouthing the words. Occasionally he looks up, looks at his watch, and then goes back to his silent reading.

Unbeknown to him, he is being watched by CRYSTAL, who is sitting having a cup of tea in a nearby café, Luigi’s. CRYSTAL is an old lady in her eighties who is wearing a faded wedding dress and Nike running shoes. Today, CRYSTAL is being a busybody. Over this we hear a DJ on Sunnyside Radio.

SUNNYSIDE RADIO DJ
(Chirpy and breezy) .. And of course, you can help us

by reporting anything or anyone suspicious,

because these days, as I’m sure you’ll agree, you

can’t be too careful. And remember to keep your

belongings with you at all times. Anything left unattended

will be removed and may be destroyed.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

In the main concourse, CRYSTAL approaches CONNOR and HAYLEY, Security Guards.

CRYSTAL

Don’t look now but there’s a man over there behaving

very suspiciously.

CONNOR

(Looking around) Which man, ma’am?

CRYSTAL points at ABU. HAYLEY and CONNOR follow her gaze. They see ABU apparently reading aloud from the Koran.

HAYLEY
And what in particular has aroused your

suspicions about this person, ma’am?

CRYSTAL
Well, he keeps looking at his watch.

CONNOR
He does look dodgy, I’ll give you that.

HAYLEY
We’ll take care of it from here, ma’am.

The One About The Salesman

2007-04-09T13:13:00.000Z

INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

A salesman, TONY, selling MBNA credit cards in the mall behind a stall. Behind him, exhibition display boards with micro-lighting show posters of the credit card and the strap-line, ’The Gateway To A Better Life,’ and a cheesy picture of a perfect, smiling family.

BLONDE BOMBSHELLS in hot-pants and tight-fitting T-shirts with ‘Get A Better Life’ emblazoned across big tits hand out leaflets, smiling cheesy grins. TONY is doing a job on BOB, a man-mountain with cropped hair, T-shirt, trainers, track-suit and tattoos. A big gold chain around his tree-trunk neck, big gold rings on his fat fingers.

TONY
Nought per cent interest on balance transfers and nought

per cent on purchases for nine months. Interested?

BOB
Not really.

TONY

Five hundred Nectar points for free.

BOB
Nah, you’re alright mate.

TONY
25% discount on the current cost of your car insurance

guaranteed if you switch?

BOB
Nah.

TONY
Oh ye of little faith, you offer people something for nothing,

and they immediately think you’re trying to trick them.

BOB

Nothing to do with religion, mate. I just don't want a

credit card. That's all.

The One About The Skateboarders

2007-04-01T19:19:00.000Z

1. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

One of the rear service yards to the shopping centre. A sign on a wall reads ‘F Service Yard.’ Another, with a clamping graphic, says ‘Cars parked here without authorisation will be clamped.’ Some cars parked, refuse wheelie-bins, and over the way below wire fencing a line of recycling units - for bottles, plastic, paper, clothes.

Signs everywhere: ‘Danger. Vehicles unloading’ ‘Sprinkler Stop Valve’ ‘Cars parked without authorisation will be clamped’ ‘No parking’ ‘No skateboarding’ and ‘CCTV cameras are operating in this area.’

WINOS drinking Tenants Super near to the rear sliding entrance doors to the shopping centre. Across the way, a telecom engineer’s temporary work hut has been erected.

Some KIDS aimlessly kicking about their skateboards near to the fence. They’re not skating really - the occasional jump maybe, but it’s like they’ve been doing it all morning and they’ve finished for the day. Now they’re just hanging around. They are JOSH (14), JAM (16) and ERROL (15).

CONNOR (late 20S) and HAYLEY (25), security guards, appear through the rear entrance doors. Behind them, graffiti on the wall: “The Outlaws Cry” and “Crazy Horse.”

2. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SERVICE YARD. DAY.

CONNOR and HAYLEY are with the KIDS.

CONNOR
It’s breaking the law. (He indicates a sign on a wall, ‘No skateboarding’)

ERROL
But we’re not doing nothing.

CONNOR
So what are those? (Indicates their skateboards)

ERROL
Doesn’t mean nothing.

3. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SERVICE YARD. DAY.

Another kid, KURT (18), approaches the others.

JAM
(To KURT) What’s happening?

KURT
Fuck all.

HAYLEY takes out a pad and starts filling in a form, like a parking attendant dishing out a ticket.

HAYLEY
What’s your name?

KURT
What y’wanna know my name for?

HAYLEY
I’m giving you a fixed penalty notice.

KURT
You what?

JOSH
That’s nice.

HAYLEY
Eighty pound fine for swearing.

KURT
You must be joking.

HAYLEY
No I’m not.

KURT
Says who?

HAYLEY
Says the law. Under the Public Order Act.

KURT
Nothing to do with the public though, is it? And nothing to do with

you. ‘Cos it’s just between me and me mates. Meaning it don’t

concern you. So keep your nose out of it.

HAYLEY
What’s your name?

KURT
I’m not telling you.

The others start to laugh.

JOSH
It’s Kurt.

KURT
Oi you.

HAYLEY
Kurt what?

JOSH
Cobain.

The One About The Longbow

2007-03-31T14:37:00.000Z

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

Inside a shop, ‘A Man’s World.’ Pen knives, gadgets, digital razors, executive toys, pens that record audio, watches, poker sets, torches, 20-piece barbecue sets, radio-controlled jet fighters and spy cameras in a lighter. Outside, swarms of people. It’s open to the main shopping centre concourse, so it doesn’t have a doorway.

KEVIN, an assistant, approaches a bloke DAVE, who’s looking around.

KEVIN

Can I help you, sir?

DAVE

Fine thanks.

KEVIN

If you need any help ..

Meanwhile, at the counter, seen by DAVE, is another customer BOB, being served by the Manager, MAHMOUD. This is MAN MOUNTAIN BOB.

BOB
So how many different knives does it have?

MAHMOUD opens the box and takes out a Swiss Army knife.

MAHMOUD
This is called the Huntsman Plus, which comes with wood

saw and pressurised ball point pen. As well as blades,

screwdrivers, can openers. The whole kit and caboodle.

Everything you need. See this, look, I show you. (He opens

out the saw and starts to cut through a little piece of bamboo).

BOB
I like that.

MAHMOUD
Very useful in the jungle .. Anywhere. Or ..

(He gets another box out of the cabinet)

You could try a much simpler version which

has a built-in MP3 player and digital voice recorder.

BOB
Wow.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. A MAN'S WORLD. DAY.

DAVE approaches the half-wit, KEVIN. There is a sign. ‘If you don’t see what you’re looking for, please ask one of our sales assistants.’

DAVE
Do you have a crossbow?

KEVIN
(Feigning the feintest possibility of uncertainty) Umm .. No ..

(As patronising a tone as possible, to MAHMOUD) No

crossbows, have we?

MAHMOUD
Give me a minute .. (To BOB) Is it a gift?

You want it wrapped?

BOB
Just in a bag’s fine.

3. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. A MAN'S WORLD. DAY.

MAHMOUD gets out a catalogue, opens it on the counter top. Flicks pages of data, taps into a computer. Half muttering to himself, like he doesn’t want to be beaten by this.

MAHMOUD
We might just .. (have one in stock).

A moment.

MAHMOUD
Let me see for you. Won't take a minute. Ah. No.

(Defeated: computer says 'No') Sorry.

DAVE
What about a longbow?

MAHMOUD
A longbow ..

Again he taps on the computer key-board. MAHMOUD then disappears into the back as KEVIN casts DAVE a look which says, ‘You‘re a weird fucker.’

MAHMOUD re-appears with a long thin box.

MAHMOUD
.. in luck. (Barely able to conceal his triumph)

I think we’ll find that this .. (is what you’re looking for)

4. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. A MAN'S WORLD. DAY.

Close on the lid being taken off the box, polystyrene chips being swept away by a hand, to reveal a beautiful longbow. MAHMOUD picks it out, holds it up, and hands it to DAVE, who remains inscrutable.

DAVE takes the longbow. Inspects it, closely. Handles it as if he knows what he’s doing. Meanwhile, MAHMOUD takes some feathered arrows out from inside the polystyrene chips. They are astonishing.

DAVE
Give it a try?

MAHMOUD
(Not entirely sure if he’s joking) Not really. (Embarrassed laugh)

DAVE holds the longbow at full arm’s length, the bow to his cheek.

DAVE
I need to test the thing.

MAHMOUD
Sure. Get a feel ..

DAVE takes out one of the arrows, places it, raises the longbow and pulls back the bow itself once again to his cheek - this time, the feather of the arrow under his nose. MAHMOUD looks on nervously, an anxious glance to KEVIN.

DAVE
How much is it?

MAHMOUD
It’s two hundred and fifty five pounds and ninety nine pence.

And then very quickly, expertly - like the way a violinist puts the violin to shoulder and bow to string in one seamless moment - DAVE aims high, stretches the bow right back, arches his back and lets fly. To the horror of MAHMOUD and KEVIN.

DAVE
It’s a bit light. (Clocking their shocked expressions) I think I’ll leave it for now.

MAHMOUD
Right. I don’t think you ..

DAVE hands the long-bow to MAHMOUD and leaves.

MAHMOUD
Shit man.

KEVIN
Fucking hell.

The One About The Terror Suspect

2007-03-20T14:57:00.000Z

1. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

Two security guards ambling along the vast main concourse of Sunnyside Shopping Mall. Uniform, name badge, walkie-talkie, peak cap. They are CONNOR, late 20s, number one crop and goatee; and HAYLEY, 25, not bad looking for a security guard. They think they’re the business, more US Law Enforcement officers than retail security. They pass beneath a huge banner poster hanging from above, ‘We Are Londoners,’ with the ‘We’ ‘Are’ and ‘one’ picked out in red. The Shopping Centre’s own radio station, Sunnyside FM, heard over.

2. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

Currys. See CONNOR and HAYLEY ambling through the TVs. We notice that CONNOR is watching an ATTRACTIVE WOMAN with a gorgeous figure as she looks at refrigerators. HAYLEY clocks this and mutters under her breath.

On all the TVs, THE HOME SECRETARY is giving a press conference. CONNOR is pretending to watch one of the televisions, a wide-screen plasma, when in fact he is looking just over the top of it at the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN. We cut between CONNOR staring, the TV and THE HOME SECRETARY, and the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.

THE HOME SECRETARY on the TV

Britain is now facing the most sustained period of severe

threat since the end of the second world war. A new breed

of ruthless unconstrained international terrorists.

Sometimes we may have to modify some of our own

freedoms in order to prevent their misuse and

abuse by those who abuse our fundamental values

and would destroy all of our freedoms in the modern world.

3. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

CONNOR and HAYLEY following the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, who carries a handbag and a Currys carrier bag, in the main concourse of the Shopping Mall.

4. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

CONNOR and HAYLEY go up to the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.

CONNOR

(With effortless ease and poise) Excuse me, madam ..

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

Yes?

With HAYLEY beside him, he leads the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN to the side of the concourse, an exit door (‘Staff only’) nearby.

CONNOR

Could I see inside your bag, please?

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

Excuse me?

CONNOR

If you could just open your carrier bag for me?

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

Why?

HAYLEY

It’s purely routine, ma’am.

The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN hesitates.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

(Opening her carrier bag) Alright.

HAYLEY

The moment we think the problem’s gone away is the moment they’ve won.

CONNOR

(Taking the carrier bag and looking inside) Okay ..

He puts the bag on the ground and ferrets around while the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN begins to lose her patience.

CONNOR

Looks fine. (He hands the carrier bag back to her)

Could I see your handbag, please?

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

(Affronted) What?

CONNOR

Your handbag, please.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

You’re joking, aren’t you? Why?

HAYLEY

We are in the middle of a war, if you hadn’t noticed.

They say they will not stop until they have

wiped us off the face of the earth.

The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN looks at them, weighing up her options. She decides.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

(Under her breath) Fuck’s sake.

The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN hands over her handbag and HAYLEY goes through it. There’s not much - a purse, keys, tissue, car park ticket, lipstick, and hands them to CONNOR. HAYLEY takes the purse, opens it and looks inside; CONNOR takes the lipstick, opens it, twists it up, turns it back, puts the lid on. The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN is now getting angry. HAYLEY snaps the purse shut.

HAYLEY

Okay, Miss Church, I’m going to ask you to accompany us

through these doors here so we’re ..

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

This is a wind-up? Give me my things back ...

But CONNOR and HAYLEY are ushering her out of the doors marked ’Staff only’ even as she is protesting. She is powerless.

5. INT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPNG CENTRE. DAY.

A white featureless corridor leading off the central mall. The doors have swung shut behind them.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

I want to know what the fuck is going on!

HAYLEY

It’s routine security .. nothing to worry about.

HAYLEY hands the purse back to her, conciliatory, as CONNOR hands back the lipstick and keys. At last, thinks the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, it’s over now.

HAYLEY

Could I ask you to lift up your top?

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

(Unbelieving) What?

HAYLEY

(Firm, authoritative) If I could just ask you to lift your top

up for me, please.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

No fucking way.

CONNOR

I know it feels like .. an intruding ...

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

Too fucking right ..

CONNOR

But it’s for all our sakes ...

The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN looks at CONNOR, then back to HAYLEY, as if to say, ‘I’ll do it if he goes away.’ HAYLEY picks up on it and looks briefly at CONNOR. CONNOR is all understanding to the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.

CONNOR

I’m sorry ... The regulations state that there have to be two

witnesses at all times, just in case ...

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

Fucking .. Jesus you make me fucking sick! (She lifts up

her top - to reveal a sexy bra).

CONNOR

(Remaining inscrutable) Okay, that’s lovely, ma’am.

Thank you. (He looks to HAYLEY) Okay with that?

The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN quickly pulls down her top)

HAYLEY

That’s clear. (As in, clearly there are no small arms hidden there)

CONNOR

(To the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN) Thank you, ma’am. Most obliged.

CONNOR proffers the handbag. The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN snatches the handbag from CONNOR and storms off through the staff doors.

A moment. HAYLEY leans against the wall while CONNOR blows out.

The One About The Public Convenience

2007-03-20T14:36:00.000Z

1. EXT. SUNNYSIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

Sunnyside is a vast, sprawling 21st century retail destination. A shopping mall with palm trees and fountains. Built near the banks of a river, it has streams and rock-pools with freshwater fish. It has a multi-screen cinema, high-rise apartments and a luxury hotel; a 50-foot high monolith, a cross between the giant stone figures of Easter Island and a Henry Moore sculpture; underground car parks; a school; and it has a wooded park and landscaped gardens, with a restored nineteenth century smock windmill, a carousel and a steam-train for the kids. It's so vast that one part of it is always still being constructed. And because of the unusual abundance of crickets and lizards, some people think that Sunnyside has a special biosphere.

Outside the main entrance is a covered outer piazza, like the Great Court at the British Museum. Bursting out from above the entrance are the huge, three-dimensional sandstone letters S-U-N-N-Y-S-I-D-E, like the title of a crazy movie, KAPOW!

Beside the main entrance and set against the outer wall of the shopping centre are several public toilets. It's the morning. As PEOPLE are milling about, we focus in on a tall, fairly fat man in his early 50s, THOMPSON, and a tubby woman, MAEVE, in her 40s. THOMPSON wears a khaki jacket and beige trousers, like he's on safari. MAEVE wears a sweater with 'Greggs' inscribed on it.

THOMPSON

(To MAEVE) I'll see you later.

Have a good day.

THOMPSON kisses MAEVE, then walks off towards the public toilets. MAEVE is going to work and heads toward the main entrance to the shopping centre.